What the Hell is Everyone Running From?

Busy

A four letter word

So often worn as a badge of honor.  "Look at all that I am doing.   You're only doing that much?  You should pick it up, weakling."


We kill ourselves and then cry out when we are burned out with no peace in our hearts. We don't like being so crazy but we just can't stop.  So I have to ask the question?

What the hell is everyone running from?

Ourselves.  Jesus.

When we stop, there is so much chaos inside, we freak out for any chance to get busy again.  We crave the solitude but then are not sure how to handle all the noise that arises when we stop going and going.  It isn't the peace we imagined, so we jump back into the fray not really rested, but not knowing if non-circumstantial peace is even possible.

For this edition of Five Minute Friday, I wrote how we have to be intentional about connecting with people even though with how easy technology makes it to be connected to people near or on the other side of the globe.

And as I continued to ponder the idea.

The Holy Spirit dwells in us.  How much easier can it get to connect with God?

And yet it takes such intentionality to actually connect and commune with with God.

I don't know if that thought strikes you like it just did me.

To get to that quiet place, I first have let the inner chaos out.  To let God at what has crowded into the place where connecting with Him is like breathing in and out.  But I make the choice.  Yes, God made it so easy, but I have to choose to open my mouth and communicate and connect with God.

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one,  I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me.

Connecting Intentionally

Five Minute Friday with the Gypsy Mama.  Five minutes of unedited writing.  Ready, set...

GO

In the age of skype, high speed internet, smart phones, easy international air travel and mobile everything...It can be so easy to get and to stay connected with people all over the world.

Then again do I miss actually connecting with people.

I'm no judge. Having lived overseas for a year myself, I know how vital technology is to staying connected with people back home.

In the past, going to a different continent meant possibly never seeing that person ever again.  Now all that is required is a computer and an internet connection.

At the heart of things though, is intention.  Friends have moved all over the world and all over the country.  All the technology in the world can't keep us connected if we don't use it.  So while clearing junk out of my email inbox, actually writing that email I intended, to skipping a cup of coffee everyday so I can save for that plane ticket.

STOP

A Year = Only the Beginning

Expectations accompany a new year, full or promises.  I held on to multiplying expectations of this year of Beloved.  More than I realized.

For everything I've learned, experienced, wrestled with this year...

...I expected to feel more differently than I do.

And possibly the lull that has come at the end of this year due to transitioning back the the States from Korea has me feeling a little isolated and a little less able to feel the love.

Again I get quiet.  I type and catch the sight of the ring on my finger.

I AM MY BELOVED'S....MY BELOVED IS MINE

All this year, God has been giving me pieces of what Beloved is: Authority, Calling, Repentance, Beauty, Watching, Being Seen, and mostly Being.

I'm still putting pieces together.  I just want to feel like I get it.  That it is ingrained in my soul permanently.  Who doesn't want that kind of love?  That always assures.

Yet it is here, with my doubts, fears, and hiding, that God does this incredible thing:

He never stops loving me.


He never stops fighting for me.


He never stops pursuing my heart.


He never stops speaking the depths of His love to me.

Beloved doesn't end as the new year comes.  Because God has been speaking this to me for years and will continue with every breath I continue to take.  Beloved goes with me forward because it is the core of my identity.  It's also something I need to hear and be reminded of by Jesus every day. (It's also what Satan attacks)

So I look forward to 2012 carrying both Beloved and Courage with me as I go into the year of ________ (Coming soon)

Missing Shades

GO

How I wish things were black and white...or maybe I really don't.  This isn't about shades of grey but actually the vivid colors that bring the joy.

The circumstances that should be straight forward and in a rush, you hope go off without a glitch.  Except they don't.  There are delays, complications, incoviences.  But with each passing second a new brush stroke goes on the canvas.  The master artist continues His work.

The people you want to just be normal.  What is normal anyway?  Who among us isn't complicated? Or colorful?  Or a tad crazy?  Again, each person was molded by the Potter and then became a vessel for color to the world.  We need them.

STOP

Not bad for 6am.  Join me and others over at the gypsymama for five minutes of unedited writing.

Broken and Bleeding

Words meant to be remembered.  Painting a picture almost impossible to comprehend.  Spoken with such intent that generations would remember them and speak them as they joined together.

The good news...the "how" of and incredible "what," the new covenant described through the words of the prophets...

The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified. They shall build up the ancient ruins; they shall raise up the former devastations; they shall repair the ruined cities, the devastations of many generations.

Sing and rejoice, O daughter of Zion, for behold, I come and I will dwell in your midst, declares the LORD

Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed. All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned—every one—to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all. He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth; like a lamb that is led to the slaughter, and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent, so he opened not his mouth. By oppression and judgment he was taken away; and as for his generation, who considered that he was cut off out of the land of the living, stricken for the transgression of my people? And they made his grave with the wicked and with a rich man in his death, although he had done no violence, and there was no deceit in his mouth. Yet it was the will of the LORD to crush him; he has put him to grief; when his soul makes an offering for guilt, he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days; the will of the LORD shall prosper in his hand. Out of the anguish of his soul he shall see and be satisfied;by his knowledge shall the righteous one, my servant, make many to be accounted righteous, and he shall bear their iniquities.

The fulfillment of words He breathed Himself, displayed in the crack of unleavened bread and sip of red wine.  Body and blood signing the signature on the new covenant.

The body broken for us:

for the healing of all sickness and disease that afflict us...

for the wounds inflicted by others...

for the sorrows of a world growing under the weight of sin...

for the freedom of the captives held by injustice...

The blood poured out for us:

for our sin...the darkness found within...

the blood covers the sin...even the sin we are unwilling to see.

Yes, the eucharist has been explained, dissected.  But is it felt?

Christmas celebrates the birth of Jesus.  God putting on flesh that would be broken, and drained.

What can I say?  I'm begging that this would drench me and sink in deeply.  God fought for me, even though a dark season makes it hard to believe.  And even when I struggle to believe it, I choose to declare it over myself and those around me.  This is the gospel.

So I take the bread and as I chew... I remember that new life was forged as He was being beaten.

And I drink the wine...I remember that forgiveness is signed in His blood.

 

 

 

 

So Tired...

TIRED

GO

Tired...jaded.

Being so worn out by brokenness that even a normally strong belief in restoration for all is weakened.

Tired...from being busy

But self-made busy in a time where quiet and rest is allowed.  Frantic when things will be left unfinished and out of my control.

Tired?  Sure.

But I don't have to be.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

STOP

Five Minute Fridays at GypsyMama.

Do You Hide Like Me?

Will I embrace this season?

Will I accept this time where unstructured time is more abundant and money is less?

Will I choose to come into a place of solitude?

As soon as we are alone, without people to talk with, books to read, TV to watch, or phone calls to make (or social networking sites to browse), an inner chaos opens up in us.  This chaos can be so disturbing and so confusing that we can hardly wait to get busy again.

Will I listen?

The discipline of the heart makes us stand in the presence of God with all we have and are: our fears and anxieties, our guilt and shame, our sexual fantasies, our greed and anger, our joys, successes, aspirations and hopes, our reflections, dreams, and mental wandering, and most of all our people, family, friends, and enemies, in short, all that makes us who we are.  With all this we have to listen to God's voice and allow God to speak to us in every corner of our being.  This is very hard since we are so fearful and insecure that we keep hiding ourselves from God.

These words from Henri Nouwen have been bouncing around in my head all week.  I am somehow trying to ignore the fact that I am trying to get so busy so fast, applying for jobs right and left.  I don't like not having full time work and a full time paycheck.  I half acknowledge that I am hiding from God even though I know better.

Words come: I love you.

Eleven months of "beloved" and I am still hiding.

Beloved: BEING

Crawling under the down comforter and propping up pillows as I pick up the book again.

Blinking, trying to stay awake long enough to read and to get quiet before I fall asleep.  Sure I could skip this step but doing so has lead to those kind of weird, but not quite memorable dreams.  The ones that wake me up feeling disoriented and confused.

The words speak of solitude.  Embracing solitude.  To stop running, and stay in that place where busyness and distraction give way to the true condition of my heart and soul.  And what I see is dark.  Much of the righteousness I thought was there...was self-righteousness.

I am learning the season of BEING

Not running around not filling up my schedule even though worries of finances and desires for connection press in daily.  BEING.

Heck, I have been distracted for the last 30 minutes instead of writing this post.

What keeps me from sitting down and just being is that I am squeemish about who I am.  Seriously...it's like I can't stand to be around myself.

After four different sources have confirmed that this is my season to be and not do, I am trying.

So how exactly does BEING tie to my OneWord for the year?  BELOVED.

They both start with BE.  Resounding in my ears is JUST BE!  I LOVE YOU!

Each of those dark places and things in myself that make me squirm are the things that Jesus is after.  See, He isn't afraid of my darkness.  He is all about loving the darkness out of me.


So much of my posturing and desire to be busy is my own fear of facing up to myself; all of me.

Nothing cuts through distraction like a five hour drive.  Driving back from my parents' God broke through.  I didn't like it.  I didn't like feeling so exposed.  The sickness of sin in me.  How do I say these words, labels that seem to put me in a "caution: dangerous" box.

Liar


Damaged


Masturbation


Unstable

Other words I still can't put forth to anyone but Jesus.

With the road open before me, only the sound of the engine and the tires running over cracks in the pavement, tears welled up in my eyes.

I've got you.  I'm not afraid of your darkness.  I. Love. You. Period.

He is loving me.  Loving the hell right out of me.  Facing up to my own darkness, His light pierces.

...And HEALS...RESTORES...MAKES NEW...


The Enemy has tried but He cannot destroy me, the being that God himself gave life to.  It hurts but to not resist the call to solitude.  To be okay with more time and less income.  To be okay with not understanding and not having answers to let God do what HE needs to do so that I can BE good with me.

Maybe this is true for you too, needing to BE so that God can shine His light into your dark places.

Randomocity from Reading Journals

Heart Friend = K

Scared of leaving all I ever knew and now in returning something is off.  I don't quite fit anymore than I didn't quite fit in South Korea.  Even though, my heart found a home there.

Fears that I will screw something up irreparably meet the word that He has given me so much honor.

I go all in.  Right now...I'm not plugged into much of anything.  Which is beautiful to find not much being asked of me, but with it comes bouts of loneliness.  I need community but I don't really know what I need from community right now, nor do I know what I can give.

Don't shrink back.  A prophetic dream that I would be seen as a traitor and an agent of death...bringing the Kingdom to the dark places.

No casting stones.  No telling someone how their story is supposed to go.

A seeming oxymoron:  The tender warrior.  The one who is the fiercest because they are first the softest.

Stop filling the needed silence with unknowing answers.  When others can't see the rationality, I seek to fill the gaps of understanding even when I'm not supposed to at all.

The reoccurring thought that I will go to the least, the broken, the lost, the sick, the poor.

I want to be a wife and a mom but I need a man with calling who can also carry the weight of my calling too.

The guitar that I asked God for and was given without any explanation.

His bigger story is the redemption and adoption of humanity, perfect communion once again.  And He is calling me into that as a warrior.  Satan tried his best to take me out.  He terrorized me.  I became the fearful, angry child.  There was no fight in me.  The covering I needed was absent in its fullness.  No armor, so I built up my own.  And I stayed in the fortress of my own making.  Reclusive, because invisibility seemed to be the only refuge I had from the outside beat down I was getting.  What drove me even crazier was that the shame and oppression on my person was even heavier.  He has drawn and is drawing me out.  I am to be a warrior.  Special forces.  One with profound honor given that is fiercely undeserved but given out of truely unconditional love.  So faithful, so tender is the fierce love of Jesus.  Jesus the judge.

Death?

Death where is your sting?  Grave where is your victory?

My heart aches right now.  I process the revelation that death brought into the world by the Fall weighs heavy in my personal life.  These are not words I want to be writing.  They are thoughts I'd rather not be contemplating.  Yet, I go there.

I stare down darkness.  

As I've thought about the whole situation, I'm broken and yet I'm certain that death is not defeat.

Oh, how Satan has convinced us that if a Christian dies of something so evil as cancer that God cannot be good or powerful enough, or the believer didn't have enough faith to be healed.

LIES!!

An understanding of the resurrection is a clue:

Jesus died but He didn't stay dead.  He defeated death and as followers we are joined to His resurrection.

Satan only thinks he wins when a Christian dies.  Satan cannot steal eternity, because Jesus holds the keys, the victory.

For all my days, for the days of beloved ones, there is a weightiness about the loss of life, but not fear, not hopelessness.

Instead there is life; Abundant life!  Life with Abba!

Following Jesus Looks Like...

Right now following Jesus:

Looks like loving other people's children.  Playing games, giving hugs, cooking food, teaching responsibility, and somehow showing what it looks like to love Jesus.

Looks like staring down darkness and refusing to back away, and doing it afraid.

Looks like laying down walls and picking up armor.

Looks like listening and only speaking when the words are words of life.

Looks like being settled in being unsettled.

Looks like reconnecting.

Looks like letting myself be shown true, unrepayable hospitality.

Looks like less Bible study, and more talking with the Holy Spirit.

Looks like more "being" and less "doing."


Sure following Jesus has looked like this in other seasons of life, but it has also looked much different.  That's the thing about following Jesus, everyone isn't on the same prescribed path, and a path doesn't look the same all the way along.  What following Jesus looks like for you may look sort of similar but also very different from me.  Even so, I'm with the body of Christ ready to cheer them on.

Jesus says, "Follow me."

I ask, "What does that look like?"

And he says, "Follow me."

Forgiveness In the Moment

I've never met Kim Jong Il, but I've heard plenty about him.  I've heard the second and third hand stories of what is going on under his leadership in North Korea.  Some accounts coming from South Korean friends who have met North Korean refugees.  I've seen some of the propaganda coming out that portrays the dictator as a benevolent father to his people, while reports are that North Korea is facing crippling famine.

And I have scoffed.  I've called the man insane, crazy and even a freak.

I can understand why the government of South Korea, where I lived for a year, has tried to give aid but has had to pull back due to the constant tensions and threats of war.

No lie, I could call Kim Jong Il the modern day Hitler, except he rules a dirt poor country.

I'd like to believe that the dictator has softened with age and with illness.  But it's hard to believe when I sat as air raid practice sirens still sound in South Korea, when he refuses to disband nuclear ambitions which would open the doors for desperately needed food to enter his country.

And here I sit with the phrase: NEVER BEYOND.

Never beyond.  No limit on grace.  To forgive even when no repentance is in sight.  To forgive a man.

He's a man.   

Crippled by sin and convinced by the devil that he can some how keep his regime together, and slowly dying like every other man.

I sit, humbled, drawing slow breaths as I dialogue with Jesus:  "You formed him, you died for him.  Same as every other man.  Same as me."

May that goodness that drew me out of the darkness and into repentance, draw the man, Kim Jong Il.  Give grace because no one is ever beyond.  Even if grace is mocked.

The craziest thing is when forgiveness meets the offense, in the moment.

Like Jesus speaking from the cross,  "Forgive them, for they know not what they are doing."

Everyone is...

It's unsettling.

But here I'm finding the deepest trust and the sweetest touch.

The inordinate shame lifting as I let myself feel the pain of what was.

Everyone is broken.

Me...My friends...My family...My enemies.

As much as I could settle into blame and bitterness, I'd also agree to settle into death and a life as something less than being fully me.

I don't want to sacrifice destiny and joy for what turns out to be an illusion of a less painful road.  It's an illusion because that road doesn't exist.

Remember...Everyone is broken.

I have lived the illusion.  I've hidden behind religion and all the rational answers I could come up with.  My answers could not push away the darkness. The brokenness has remained, and I did such a job hiding myself so that I'm not sure what I need. The true double-edged sword of not owning up to the fact that indeed:

Everyone is broken.


I've picked up my life and moved back to the other side of the globe.  I've left behind beautiful people that I love.  I pray for the chance to return, but for now I'm settling in to being unsettled.  Living out of a suitcase, depending on the kindness of those I returned to, as I have no peace about signing a lease.

Instead, I'm taking time to just be.  Let whatever God needs to do wash over me.  It's been promised that it will be a season of both darkness and joy.  The courage I need will come.  I want everything God has for me.  I want to be everything He created me to be.

Everyone is broken.

And He makes all things new.

Open Apology

To all the men who I have pushed away:

I'm sorry.  I had no idea how to let you see me without going crazy.  I read too much into what was meant to be friendly conversations and fun adventures.  What's worse is that I have missed out on knowing some really incredible men.  

For those of you who ran into my brick wall; I'm trying to take it down.  Not to let just anyone walk all over me, but so that you can see me, and I can see you.

This is still a learning process for me.  I advise that I may pull back and start throwing a brick or two from my disassembled wall.  Give me time, but don't give up.

They're Coming with Me

I didn't really protect myself from it.  I didn't want to.  And the little weasels burrowed into my heart.

Now the pain is so great...I'm not entirely sure how to go forward and leave them.

Could you forget faces like these?

I can't.  Especially with the stories behind each face.

While some of them are celebrating my departure (I'm still a teacher after all) many have given me a sad or surprised reaction when they understand that I am leaving soon.

The impressions they have left on me are permanent.  Even writing this, I'm choked up.  They've gotten to me.  And I wouldn't ever change it.  I may leave Korea but because of these kids, Korea will never leave me.

Catching Fireflies

Catch

Five minutes of unedited free writing with Lisa Jo and others at the GypsyMama


Go:
Always playing catch up.  Trying to get ahead and watching time fly by.

Tick tock.

So much doing...so little time to catch the moments to just be.

Tick tock

Seeing smiles, laughs, wanting to capture each one.

Tick tock

Every moment more precious and rare than the last.  But catching them is like trying to catch the wind.

Tick tock

Knowing there is a new adventure ahead but to not let go of all I have caught and could still catch in this one.

Tick tock

Walking with Jesus as He catches moments like fireflies and shows them off to me.  So much love in these days I savor.

Tick tock

And the sound of the clock on this season slows to a stop.

Tick...

Stop

From Walking

"Who have You made me?  Who am I?"

Question, question question.  Then shame:  I'm not supposed to ask that question, am I?

As my pace slows, I put my hands on my head, trying to catch my breath like I used after finishing a cross-country race in high school.  The weight feels like too much tonight.  And I look away as He tries to catch my gaze.

I need to answer those questions.  It's fear of rejection that holds me back.

Being seen.

I turn into a raging ball of emotions.  I can't explain the tears when someone pushes too close.  When they see the darkness that I have carefully arranged to look like light, and also begin to see the cracks where darkness and brokenness still look like a shattered mess.

I don't want to be wanted in that place.

From all these revelations, the questions come again:

"Who have You made me?  Who am I?"

In the answer seems to be the answer to all the whys of my life.

I know who God is.  I have sought after who He is to the max.  He's never been unfaithful.  And this is the time to ask Him the other questions... the seemingly self-centered questions.

To really discover myself with Him.  To understand His creative design, so that I may know how to glorify Him.

The nagging questions remain:
Will I find someone I like?
Am I even unique?
Will anyone else embrace the vulnerable person outside the "dress-up" clothes and masks?
Can I take the pain, if someone rejects the core of the person I find?


photo credit 

Beloved: Seen

It's been a while since I wrote solely about my 2011 OneWord.  Partly because this post has been slowly developing as God has been unraveling the truth in the midst of some very intricately woven lies.

It all stemmed from these; Now(1) You(2) See(3) Me.

The resulting conversation resulted in me speaking out loud something I had always thought:

People missed who I was because it was like they couldn't see me; I was invisible.

I chose invisibility because it allowed me to hide my insecurities.  But it also blocked out people from knowing who I really was.  In fact, I didn't even really know myself.  I was constantly denying myself anything that left me vulnerable.

I felt unloved and unlovable at the same time I was working so hard to protect myself. So a huge part of my heart was dead.  My ability to be loved was based upon what I did.  It was not who I was.  Heck, I didn't even know myself.

Jesus has slowly been working at the knot around my heart.  He's been slowly loosening the chains over the last 9 years.    And this last year in South Korea, it seems most of the chains have dropped away.

It isn't just that I have found friends who have chosen to love me for me, although my friends are amazing.  It's the way Jesus has brought out who I am.  And I am opening myself up to show others, and stay open and seen even when the easiest thing is to close myself off.  Because even when my dear ones say that they love me for who I am and not what I do; the lie still kicks in and I want to do something, anything to not let them see the dark side of me, or I hold the dark out expecting them to reject me.

On more than one occasion I've found myself staring Jesus and a friend in the face as they simultaneously asked of me to let my walls down and to just be.  To sit without walls and without the need to use words to justify any part of myself.  That terrifies me.   My chest tightens up and my brain tries to speak to avoid that my heart is feeling so exposed.

It happened 4 times this weekend; sitting quietly with a friend who sees me nearby, God reassured me each time, " I see you.  I know you.  No fear."  My heart ached even as I knew I was being held and my throat closed with tears.

But I was seen.

And I was wanted.

That is being beloved.  Knowing I am seen in every way.  Like this:

To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admitting my shadow side I learn who I am and what God's grace means.” - Brennan Manning

The darkness of my life story has crept up and threatened to overwhelm me, into invisibility again, into doing something really stupid.  On the flip side, I know the fear that I still wrestle with, trying to deflect the intimate gaze of others, of Jesus and save face if I can...

But in beloved, I wait, under His gaze, both all seeing, and incredibly tender.

Just Write: Marriage

Go:

I wear a ring.  I used to wear it on the left hand but due to constant questions from my students (Teacher, you married?) and God speaking to me about my authority in Christ (a signet ring is worn typically on the right hand) I moved the ring to my right hand.

On it, it says, "I am my beloved's.  My beloved is mine"

Now I assume that most people who pick out this ring, it is symbolizing purity and commitment to a future spouse.  A marriage.

I want to marry.  I want to have a covenant marriage, one that is committed to the vows spoken from the beginning.  I've seen glimpses of this kind of marriage as I have watch friend after friend join together with another.

But what captures my attention about marriage is the relationship between the Bride, the Church, and the Bridegroom, Jesus.  A pastor, spoke that being Holy, means there is a respectful distance between God and man.  But the more I study scripture and Jesus' words, I am more fully convinced that being made Holy as the Bride of Christ is about being drawn more and more into covenant intimacy with Jesus.  That Holiness means there is less and less distance between God and fallen man.

I suppose that is the marriage I dream of more, than the marriage that doesn't go into the resurrection.

Stop

Longer than 5 minutes today but I couldn't stop

Ready, Set...NO!!!

I'm quickly approaching the end of my time in South Korea.  Like 3 weeks.

The three months between June and August were spent clinging to a spiritual piece of driftwood.  And while it did cross my mind to not return after vacation; And I was ready to pack it in and shut down after that:

God is bringing life and restoration again.

And where I was standing on the start line for the next season so ready to just go...

Now, I'm not ready to leave.  My heart has found a kind of home here.  Maybe chalk all of this up to sentimentality, but as I reflect, I knew even in the worst of things, my heart was set to see what God had for me here.  I was never ready to quit.

So where I am now is seeing life coming, the growth coming from the investment and labor made.

And as much as I would love to share that daily with my students and with the dear friends of the community I have found here, it is time to move forward.  But as God reminded me, I will always carry this place, these people, this year of training with me.

Forever changed.

Ready... Set...

The First Chapter

I admitted it to my co-workers; I had gotten lazy in my preparation for and expectations in the classroom.  I had stopped expecting as much of my students calling it good enough if we got through the material without checking to make sure that there was understanding and learning going on.

Truth be told, I got beat up by a negative environment prior to their arrival replacing teachers leaving.  Their new energy kicked me in the butt and I realized that even with only one month left in my term, I want to and need to keep going.

Growing means that I don't get to just survive, just make sure things are gone over and covered.  There must be understanding and learning.  It may be difficult.  I may want to whine just as much as my students do when I ask them to write sentences to show me if they really understand the grammar and vocabulary we just covered, but to do it anyway.

I thought I had the trust and courage thing covered after coming to Korea.  Apparently, that was just the first chapter of the book... so much more growing.
STOP

This is my (almost) weekly post for five minute friday @ the gypsymama.  Join me and others for 5 minutes of unedited writing.

Callouses

Honest.

Living in Korea has been the greatest challenge and sweetest reward.

And as my thoughts and momentum turn toward leaving, I'm a jumble of emotions and thoughts.

I needed Korea, and though I can't say that Korea really needed me, I can say that the city where I live has a story that mirrors mine in so many ways.  So if I hurt, I wonder how the people of this city hurt too.  Where have they put up defenses that block out a part of the pain but also hold out against redemption.

I am a part of the most imperfect church.  I had heard rumors of people like this and of problems like this church has, but now I have lived in it.  And I still love this church.  I love the people.  They want to be the life raft for the waves that come from being a foreigner in a foreign land.

For all the places I have let walls down.  I think I have become calloused.

How can I tell?

As God tenderizes me again.

I'm actually consistently cracking open my Bible again...and I could feel my surprise at how it was coming to life and being refreshing.  And I'm the one who for years was lauded for always being in the word.  But my consistency slipped in pride.  I let myself be "busy" with other things even when I have had more free time now than ever in the past.

I'm praying and asking God to speak to my heart, and I am getting impressions after a few months where I didn't seek much, didn't open up my heart before and therefore wasn't hearing much.

Even these places where I had become tough were necessary.  Yes, I want to be pliable and tender to God, but time passes and I am gently reminded that God is always faithful.    This year has been training and I am in the homestretch.  The next few weeks pointed towards Jesus, and knowing how much I need and want Him, that my ONE thing is to go after Him.

Day 7: Write a blog to encourage a beautiful woman

What the world did you get yourself into?


Seriously...


Friend, you walked into the point of my life where I was in need of a heart friend.  Someone I could be me with.  Someone who cared enough to tell me like it is.  Someone with whom, just about any subject could be discussed.

Kristi is awesome.   She's the person who you call when you want a travel buddy, and the person you call when you need a beer after a long day.  She gives selflessly.  She makes me laugh.  She has courage that I admire.  She is beautiful.

We've had some of the best conversations on buses, over coffee, on the phone after a long day.  In a land where saving face is important, I don't have to save face with Kristi.  She knows that life comes with the kinds of broken heartedness, that needs of vulnerability to let healing happen.

And I write this knowing that my beautiful friend seems to find herself in second place perpetually.  So this is for her than for anyone else who may read this:

Kristi, you are the most kind and generous person I know.  You are Ruth of the Bible, in how you serve and love people.  Don't shrug off others' kinds words for you.  They are true.  Never apologize for who you are.  Who you are gives life to others.  Who you are is a masterpiece.  Who you are is the apple of His eye.

My Joy

Five minute Friday at GypsyMama.  This week in honor of a women I've never met in the flesh but who has spurred me and others on.  To GitzenGirl.

JOY!

I ran.  No shoes.  Hands still flecked with paint.  Down the granite stairs, trying not to slide in socks.

I stood jumping up and down in front of an office door.  I had to tell someone!

"I got the job!  I'm going to Korea!"

While in that moment, I was elated beyond words, it wasn't that moment that overwhelmed me.  It was all the moments of pain in the previous 10 months, when this seemed like an impossibility for multiple reasons.   Money, family support, timing, health, paperwork.  Each one, God stayed steady and I kept walking forward.  Tears that streamed my face seemed such a distance memory.

I chose to trust.  I chose to believe.  I chose joy.

Whether I had ever made it here or not, I knew the joy that went beyond my circumstances or understanding. Even, if I was still deeper in debt and without a job, accused, out of sync, or barely able to walk:

There is always joy.

It was God.  My joy.  The joy that never left or faded.  Constant.  Faithful.

Set My Heart

This God I am encountering is magnificent.

Far to often He is met with my indifference.  I want to want more of Him.  I want to experience who He is.  Yet, I hold back.  Where life is continually intense in one way or another, I make my excuses and I shrink back.

This is my wrestling in a season where honestly, I think I realize the desperate nature of the situation but I'm still trying to breathe with my head underwater.

I get pieces of what God is doing.  Tokens, words, breadcrumbs leading me forward.  I'm stubborn so I keep up the trail.  But I go back to the word a friend gave that, it is like I am riding a bike uphill through mud. Jesus is calling for me to stop.  There isn't endless work for just breadcrumbs,  not when God calls me to come to Him with those pieces.

I'm working out my salvation.  I want sanctification by the grace of Jesus.  I'm doing what I know to do to cultivate desire for Jesus.

The very first words the Holy Spirit spoke to me were: "Come follow me"

There were no holes for me to slip away into.  Only to follow Him.  Not religion.  Follow Him.  Not a great pastor or teacher.  Follow Him.  Not my own constructions of what it means to follow God.  But to be weak, listen in desperation and Follow Him.

In following Him, becoming one with God as Jesus and the Father, and the Spirit are one.

Yes, He's got to come closer no matter how much I flinch as His glory and holiness, and righteousness touch my life.

The musings of my heart in prayer:

Lord what do all these examples of gates and walls mean?

Keep looking at Israel coming back to Jerusalem.

I had studied Nehemiah before which was about the rebuilding of the wall around Jerusalem.  But now I am  into Zechariah, which is before Nehemiah and at the time that they are preparing to rebuild the temple.  Through the visions that God gives to Zechariah, He is promising the rebuilding and restoration, but there is also a call to set their hearts on worshiping God.  Not just in the restoration of the temple and the practices there, but to humble their hearts and live out the first commandment.

Rebuilding and restoration comes first at the heart.  I truly believe, God has restored and rebuilt my heart in  His glory and grace.  But I can tell from my actions and inactions that there are hindrances to living out the first commandment to love the Lord with all of myself.  I need God to rebuild the wall.  To reset the gates. Because there are breaches where the Enemy moves freely in and out.  Compromises and attachments that have turned into idolatry.

God I want to fast, and maybe try a Daniel fast.

A few hours later I turn on the International House of Prayer webstream for their weekend service.  They are preparing for a 21 day Daniel fast.  So, I'm setting myself to join them.  Lord prepare my heart for that one.

Just Write: Sweet

The sweetest things in my day.

The little fuzzball I am watching for a friend for the weekend.

Ella, the student, whose smile and joy are matchless; and a perfect greeting before my last class of the day.

The lady at the restaurant offering us forks even though, chopsticks are the best utensil ever.

Crossing one HUGE thing off my to-do list.

The scripture that hits my spirit like a ton of bricks, but settles me where I had been anxious.

The moments when I quiet myself, and God wraps me up in His presence, like the best hug ever.

Sweet...

Not Today

I know there are profound things stirring under the surface in me.  They are profound simply because God is profound and revealing more of Himself...  That is His kindness.

It is also His kindness to let these things be just out of my understanding, that I would seek and desire Him more.  Jesus is drawing me closer.   It is good.

I want to share these things.  I want to speak of the joy that is growing, the beauty coming from the ashes, and the dreams He's given me...

Not today...

Rest

Five minute Friday with The Gypsy Mama and others for 5 minutes of unedited writing.

Rest.  Stop.  Pause.  Break.  Breath.  Still.

The frenetic pace has worn me thin.  Some days it takes all I am just to stay on my feet.  But for all the days where it seems like stopping seems impossible without crashing, there is a simple and neglected command.

Rest.

Don't pick up that stack of papers to grade.  Don't head to the bus stop to travel here or there on errands.  Don't even study.

Set against the ever grinding flow.  Find that place where Shalom peace in the presence of God is reality and not a ever present wish not come true.

Where being is far more important than doing.   And there is actually trust that everything that needs to get done will get done, even if it can't be done today.

Love Came Down

Whether good days or bad days, I am Yours.

In the bad, it is the moments of worship, knowing that You conquered death.  You came to rescue me from sin and its wages of death.  That in the silence, You are everything.  You are the I AM even when I am shaking in sin or hardship.

In the good, it is the moments of worship, knowing that I deserve nothing, but You give Your riches of grace anyway.  The humility it takes to know that You are enough even when worldly abundance may blind me.  That even in the joy of seeing promises fulfilled, there is no way to ever separate the blessing from Creator.  You are where I hide, celebrating every bit of joy with You.

I am Yours, I'm Yours, forever.

Yours.  Forever.

Because Love came down.



This is a new favorite song and I really love this slowed down acoustic version.

No One Wins

I shifted uneasily, as words continued to fly.  As an observer of two people demanding their way.  What both of them want are good things.  But with no love, no one gives an inch except to save themselves the strain of the current argument.

A phone call breaks up the exchange and one person leaves the room.  I can feel the strain.  My own head trying to understand why I have both empathy and anger for both parties.  One deserves the promise filled, but also needs to give respect.  The other deserves a measure of empathy for the weight they carry, but also needs to give what was promised without manipulation.

At the end of the day, I retreat to my own abode and ask, "WHY?"

Seeing both sides, means despite the pull, I don't get to pick sides.  And...

No one wins, when you compete in relationships.

Because you're not just pushing a body around in a sporting competition, you're pushing and manipulating a human heart and human spirit.  One that is likely already broken, injured.  Physical wounds heal way faster, then the slashes of words or emotions ever will.

And the wounds don't just come from the person you're competing with; If I am going to compete for power in a relationship, I am most likely to harden a part of my heart to do it.  I close off part of myself that is actually meant to offer life.

To hold oneself open to wounds and say, "I will honor your need above mine."  doesn't mean you become a doormat, your needs invisible.  You can still ask, but put away the weapons.  Words creatively formed to knock the other person down, become questions that ask the questions that unlock the defensiveness of oneself and the other.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

For God sought to restore the relationship with man, that man had torn.  He gave all of Himself, He gave His Son, so that their is reconciliation and restoration.  

Older

Five minute Friday's at the Gypsy Mama

GO:

I used to think that as I got older, some things wouldn't hurt so much.

But then I would have gotten harder as I got older.  But with Jesus the opposite has happened.  My heart breaks for things even more than they used to.

But as I have gotten older, my framework for dealing with the pain, the bitterness, the lies, the abandonment, the rejection, has been transformed.  As I get older, I see things more and more in the light of Jesus.  I first seek where He is in the situation when I remember.  I don't always but, I've come to understand that even, if at first, I don't go to Christ, and the walls build up.

Hardness comes.  The same as the old life.  The same as I learned as a child.

But as I get older, as a Child of God, the moment I turn to Him, His fierceness and justice take what I used put forth in protecting myself.  And the walls come down.  I turn into His tenderness.

STOP

Coffee and Hope

호프

Korean phonics and English phonics are two fairly differently things.  There are some commonalities and both languages are very open and easily acquire new words.

Then there is hof.  Or hope because there isn't an 'f' sound in Korean so it phonetically pronounced as a 'p'.

Most places if the word is romanized it is spelled hof, but I saw this place, which is on my way to walk to church and I had to take picture to note the more accurate spelling of the word in English...

So what exactly is so interesting about hof or hope?  

Hof or hope is the Korean word for bar.

Coffee and Hope sounds like a Christian ministry.  In fact it sounds like all the hours I spent at coffee shops in college ministering and being ministered to in the love and hope of Jesus.  We shared in the caffeine lift to the body and the Holy Spirit lift of the heart and spirit.  As one friend and I half-way joked, and half-way said seriously that the coffee shop was where we "did" church before we went to church.

For all the irony of the way the Korean word for bar is pronounced, I am not going on a tirade against drinking. In fact, I enjoy a drink or two, but rather my take away is this:

Where do I find hope?  How does hope alter my life?

May the God of all hope fill you with joy and peace, in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit, you may abound in hope ~ Romans 15:13

Therefore since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.  Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.                     ~ Romans 5:1-5

I'm mulling over what these passages talk about hope.

God is the God of hope and He pours it out on me.    

Hope is the product of suffering, endurance and the growth of character.  

Hope is in the glory of God.  Him being magnified.

No matter what else I glean from the hope spoken of in the Bible: This is the all-encompassing hope.  It is not dependent on circumstances, or another broken, sinful human being.  It rests on Jesus.  The one who took an enemy of God, paid for salvation with His blood, justified a sinner who would rather go their own way, redeemed a heart broken by a Cruel and Deceptive Master, brought me into His kingdom with all the rights of a citizen and adopted me into His own family with all the inheritance and love of a Daughter.

So every morning as I drink my coffee, whether at home or tucked away in the corner of a coffee shop, alone, or gathered with friends, I'll be resting on Hope...God's full hope.

Lord of Hosts

Yahweh of Hosts.  The name used in Genesis to describe the Creator.

I've been stuck on this title of God for over a week.  Partly because I don't think I had read a ton of old testament lately, where this title occurs, in a translation that uses this title rather than Lord Almighty.

I knew that Lord Almighty translates to Yahweh, but Lord of Hosts gives me a different, more vivid picture.  Like this definition from Biblosdotcom

Evidently the meaning of the title is that all created agencies and forces are under the leadership or dominion of Yahweh, who made and maintains them. It is used to express Yahweh's great power.

 All created agencies and forces under His leadership...

Jaw-dropping visualization:  The forces of heaven and earth at His command.  Waiting on His word; ready to go battle for the Kingdom, with Him at the front.  I envision the fierceness, riding in on a the white horse of Revelation or the red horse of Zechariah 1.

And this picture puts my heart at rest.  Realizing the Lord of Hosts has gone to battle for me, returning from Hades with the keys...  And He continues to battle Satan and His forces for the salvation and redemption of every one of His creations.

Dreaming

Dreaming, seeking, wondering...

I keep thinking about what I want to see made a reality.  Things that have been on the list of impossible for years.  What I pray for that no one else knows.

My fingers trace over the words and names on a worn piece of notebook paper.  The cries of my heart.

I see them in my mind, I treasure them in my heart.  The promises of the One who never fails.

Terrifying and exhilarating is the knowledge that new prayers, dreams must be added.  They are bigger than the ones already on that list.  And God is the one inviting me to draw near and ask.

I want what HE wants.  Arising from the things that break His heart and that He has broken my heart with.

When and how are not mine to know.

I ask for the what, dream for the what, and trust God.

The God who made a 100 year old Abraham, and a 90 year old Sarah parents to the Nations.
The God who parted waters.
The God who lead in a whirlwind.
The God who defeated sin and death.
The God who promised life!

Dreaming...with the hope that if God drew me, redeemed me and is transforming me...He'll make good on His word.

Day 6: Jaded Beauty

Day 6 of 31.  Back at this series of posts on Beauty.

Has the world's definition of beauty ever jaded you?

I wasn't sure if jaded was the right word: worn out, broken.

But in considering the way that I lived my life in relationship to beauty, primarily as the world defined it

SOOO JADED...

The world's definitely wore me out and that was on top of the fact that I was already broken.  I was so worn out that I didn't even want to try.  So I didn't.  I remember that as a middle schooler I wore t-shirts two sizes bigger than I currently wear now (I was about 10 pounds heavier then...but really, I hid in my clothes)  And until college, I thought make-up was only for those women who were trying to hard.

Only as I started getting healing and restoration have I been able to embrace beauty in myself.  I can accept that I will never catch up to the world's definition of beauty.  But now I try, I try to accentuate the design God has given me.  I'm no fashionista but I have taken some tips on clothing, make-up and personal care.  I've asked the Holy Spirit to teach what it is to be adorned by a quiet and gentle spirit.  I can look in the mirror without cringing or searching critically for flaws.

I'm not worn out by chasing after an ever changing definition. Instead, I rest in God's definition of beauty.

Embracing Beauty

Five minutes of unedited (okay maybe I should admit to a few minuscule edits) writing on a topic.  This week's topic:

Beauty

GO:

Why am I not surprised? Well actually I'm chuckling.

Beauty has emerged in the last few months as something God really wants to talk to me about.

It is about how much He loves me and that He designed me.

The wierd thing is, I had settled somewhere in my mind that one didn't have to find themselves beautiful to appreciate beauty.  That may sound vain but what I am getting at is this:

The more I come to see and understand the beauty God made me with, the beauty He is restoring in the broken places, the more I see and embrace beauty in others.  Because I see with more clarity the very glory and beauty of God in things and especially in God's image bearers.

STOP

Designed with Destiny

I thought my chances were 1 in 200 but actually there was never a doubt.

It was destined.

I saw them hold up the package.  And there was a whisper, "This one."

Designed

[di zin] : intend something for particular use: to intend something for a particular purpose. Intended, meant, bound for, aimed at, predestined, preordained.

Being a created being, design is essential.  Each piece carefully selected and intended for a particular look and purpose.

What shakes me is that if this is true...doubting my beauty or choosing invisibility is separating me from my Creator.  It's the denial of His workmanship.  It isn't worship...it is sin.

Embracing my design leads me forward out of invisibility and into greater intimacy with God as I seek after and He reveals the parts of me that I've not always wanted or understood.  It's the moments where Jesus shows me something and I can only stop and go..."Oh... now I get that about me.  You did that on purpose."

Destiny

[déstinee]: inner realizable purpose of life: the inner purpose of a life that can be discovered and realized.  Fate, providence, future, purpose, intention, calling

Design meets destiny.  The design is done because there is an end to be met; so there is destiny.

As I understand more and more about God's intention and design the more I pick up pieces about my destiny.  Yes, the all-encompassing destiny of being in the presence of Glory, but even the details of my specific destiny.

Count me among those believe God does give specific revelation.  Pieces that have come together and some that remain only pieces at this time, until all things are revealed at the end.  Like these things...

Worshipping Intercession


Restoration House


The Nations

Transformed through light.  Timeless.

But all is coming from my Jesus who is redeeming the brokenness, invisibility, and transgressions which had marred my original design, just as He is doing for all of creation.

So if you need to be reminded, you were designed with care, with an intent to reflect the Glory of the Creator.  You have a destiny that will come out of your design.  And the humility needed to walk with that is that the transformation to walk in that destiny is only bestowed, by Yahweh.

So this picture is always on display should I forget

Catching Up

A whirlwind trip home later and I'm sitting here thinking, I've got so much to do, but yet I only have just over 2 months remaining in South Korea. 

REALLY?!

It's become hard to think of my time remaining in weeks and not months.  To think about saying goodbye to these kids, to the culture and environment that has been the context for training and transformation.

Picking up my whole life and moving again is daunting.

Sitting down with friends and family I realized that while returning home is a bigger leap of faith for me at this point than staying for another contract, there is no way, anyone is going to let me end up penniless and on the street (as long as I don't turn into a bum.).  

So now , I look forward dreaming of what God is leading me towards.  To take the steps forward, resting in the tenderness and love I have learned of my Heavenly Father.  To keep walking out of the invisibility I claimed as protection, into the strength and vulnerability of exactly who I am, seen, and on the front stage if that is what God calls me to.

So while at the moment, tests that need grading are calling my name, I look forward to delving into the stories of my trip and the heart themes that have been marinating.

• Denying beauty
• Not a stage hand
• Pressed
• International travel
• Weddings

Blogging Sabbatical

Well, I' m going to be missing from the blogosphere for a few weeks.

It's funny, I have so much to write, ideas popping up everywhere but I have to step away.  Partly due to computer issues: SEE...having to hold the power cord in a specific position and not move so that they batter will charge.  Which limits my time to just sit and stare at a blank post screen as I process my thoughts.  Thank goodness I have a new laptop waiting at home.

Speaking of home:  I'll be traveling back to the US for vacation. WHEEEE!!!!!

I'm so EXCITED!!!  Family, friends, and my brother's wedding!

I'm hoping and praying that time away will deepen and enrich and refine the many thoughts in my head and I can come back when life gets back to normal for my life in Korea.

See you on the other side!

This Ain't No Cakewalk

This week has been the spiritual equivalent of a MMA fight.

I've been punched, kicked, headlocked, and put in a submission hold.

Plans changed unexpectedly

People in my life got hurt 

A gift given was called, "Not enough."

More demanded when I already feel spent

This among what has generally been an atmosphere of conflict and pessimism.

The Enemy could smell weakness.  He had no intention of showing mercy.

Sending out a 911 prayer call to the people in my corner, knowing my heart was beat and it was like having a cut over my eye that Satan kept punching open.  From the haze, I saw clearly for one moment, enough to go where the Shelter was, to be suited up in the Armor of God.

So I went into the fight.  And I picked up my guitar.  I sang.  Declared His glory.  Singing of hope and the darkness trembled.  It couldn't stand where the Name of Jesus is lifted up.

And while the assault remains consistent.  My heart is in the fight, bruised, but trusting the faithful One.

 

 

 

Letting Myself Lose

Five Minute Friday at the Gypsy Mama.  Five minutes of unedited writing.

GO:

I can't say that I am good with loss.  I've lost people, things, innocence, pieces of myself, even the sense of belonging.

Then in the quiet moments... everything crashes and I cry.  I finally grieve.

Once in my deepest sense loss, I cried out publically twice.  Once, with friends.  Once with family.

My friends let me cry.   They spoke comfort but they never tried to talk me out of crying or grieving.  One friend sat down on the floor where I collapsed and prayed over me.  In that, working though grief, through the loss, I found myself able to move toward worship.

My family tried to calm me.  They wanted me to stop crying.  I knew they were sharing my feelings of loss, but they didn't want to grieve.  They wanted to be okay without ever going though the process.  So they couldn't let me release my loss.

Interesting how that worked.  More for the principle about loss and grief that I have learned, than about the people who were around me.

When I accept loss, when I let it hurt, then God can come in and touch it, and lead me to worship and see who He is in the midst of pain.  When, I hold out, I wall up against the pain...I don't let God in, I don't worship...and I don't heal from what was lost.

STOP

When the Holy Spirit Makes Sure I Listen

Today, I'm the guest blogger over at Mary Katheryn's blog Beauty for Ashes as part of her Blogiversary


I chuckled and shook my head the other day as I read my friend's wall post on facebook.

Okay God, I'm starting to get it.

I've been wrestling with the subject of both my internal and external beauty as a woman.  It's been kinda rough.  And I have been resistant to believing what God says about me.

And like Jesus has done before with my wrestling about my singleness, my calling, my giftings, His love and kindness,and His sovereignty...He will make sure I listen one way or another.

Often it comes in the "stumbling" upon a scripture verse:

You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.  Song of Solomon 4:7.

Again...

Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life. Isaiah 43:4

and again...

For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying of my hands, for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

Through the songs in shuffling through my iPod:

I know You have come now even if write upon my heart; to remind me of who You are.

and again...

I finally found where I belong in Your presence.

and again..

I don't have time to maintain these regrets, when I think about the way... He loves us.

Other times it is the speaking of the still small voice:

I love that you have sought and know Me.  You do this because you have My love, not to earn My love.

and again...

And I do love you.  I created you.  I AM the Master Artist.  With Beauty.  Inside. Outside. Upside down. Backwards.  You have Beauty to offer, no matter how small it feels.

If I continue to be stubborn, the Holy Spirit calls in the special forces.  His messengers in human skin.

Know you are lovely and have inherent value. You are the only Melissa with your set up gifts, beauty, personality, demeanor, boldness, stubborness, femininity, tender heart!

and AGAIN...

I love your realness and search for truth before God. I love that you allow him to shape you how he wants to shape you and take you where he wants to take you... I love your sense of womanness in him!

God is persistent and His love endures forever. He will make sure I listen.  I sometimes think that I should be more receptive.  I should accept the first whispers and believe.  But I wonder sometimes if part of God's comprehensive approach is to surround me on all sides, to take down the years of defenses I put up and the lies that have controlled me...

...because God can do no less than envelop me in His love and declare that I am His Beloved.  

Unify Us

The church is made up of broken people needing Jesus.

Is is any wonder that we hurt each other constantly?

But Jesus said we would known as His disciples by our love for one another.

How are the two reconciled?

We need You Lord!

While we seek to walk in obedience, it is beyond ourselves to be unified.

We have to get beyond ourselves to be unified.

We have to go after Jesus.

Jesus said to love one another.

He didn't say this just to make us feel good about the people we already love.

He said it because He knew that we are so separated from each other.  But each person has something to give to the church.  Broken as we may be or because we are broken we have something to offer.  So loving means unity, communion.  As God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit are unified.  No hiding and no shooting at each other!

Paul wrote, "Bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ." and along with so many exhortations to love and care for one another, that we are  to be united in Christ, taking the gospel to all peoples.


I'm fairly certain that while Paul encouraged the churches for what they were doing well, he said many of these things because he knew that where there is a gathering of broken people needed the grace of God to live...well those people also need the grace of God to love one another.

We need the sanctifying love of God to lay down our offense at one another and embrace the cross that bore the penalty of sin, broke the flesh of Jesus that we might be healed and whole, and was soaked in the blood that brought the new covenant reconciling man and God.  These unite us when nothing else does.  And this is what carries the gospel forth to the ends of the earth.

Unify us.  Purify us.  So that we can change the world.

(Not the best quality but it was the only video of this song I could find)

Grateful because He's Faithful

GO:

Teaching six hours a day takes more out of me than the days that I worked eight hours doing manual labor.  To give that much to the kids takes so much from me.

And then there are all the ways that God is working on me through teaching and my experience here in Korea.  Life is all about learning everyday.  Dialogue with God about how teaching, the culture here, my own issues are all part of what He is doing.'

Some days, I want a mental health day.  I don't want to think.  I don't want to learn anything else.  I don't want to let anything else go.  I just want to be.

I'm grateful that God is faithful to keep taking me through it all.  He doesn't stop just because I want to.  He takes me further, when I'm dragging my feet and when I just can't make myself do it.  Jesus turns me to the cross.  To where, "It is finished." was uttered.  I'm grateful, that I can trust God, His whole character, and His ongoing work of redemption in me.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.  Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

STOP

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