Beloved: Seen

It's been a while since I wrote solely about my 2011 OneWord.  Partly because this post has been slowly developing as God has been unraveling the truth in the midst of some very intricately woven lies.

It all stemmed from these; Now(1) You(2) See(3) Me.

The resulting conversation resulted in me speaking out loud something I had always thought:

People missed who I was because it was like they couldn't see me; I was invisible.

I chose invisibility because it allowed me to hide my insecurities.  But it also blocked out people from knowing who I really was.  In fact, I didn't even really know myself.  I was constantly denying myself anything that left me vulnerable.

I felt unloved and unlovable at the same time I was working so hard to protect myself. So a huge part of my heart was dead.  My ability to be loved was based upon what I did.  It was not who I was.  Heck, I didn't even know myself.

Jesus has slowly been working at the knot around my heart.  He's been slowly loosening the chains over the last 9 years.    And this last year in South Korea, it seems most of the chains have dropped away.

It isn't just that I have found friends who have chosen to love me for me, although my friends are amazing.  It's the way Jesus has brought out who I am.  And I am opening myself up to show others, and stay open and seen even when the easiest thing is to close myself off.  Because even when my dear ones say that they love me for who I am and not what I do; the lie still kicks in and I want to do something, anything to not let them see the dark side of me, or I hold the dark out expecting them to reject me.

On more than one occasion I've found myself staring Jesus and a friend in the face as they simultaneously asked of me to let my walls down and to just be.  To sit without walls and without the need to use words to justify any part of myself.  That terrifies me.   My chest tightens up and my brain tries to speak to avoid that my heart is feeling so exposed.

It happened 4 times this weekend; sitting quietly with a friend who sees me nearby, God reassured me each time, " I see you.  I know you.  No fear."  My heart ached even as I knew I was being held and my throat closed with tears.

But I was seen.

And I was wanted.

That is being beloved.  Knowing I am seen in every way.  Like this:

To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admitting my shadow side I learn who I am and what God's grace means.” - Brennan Manning

The darkness of my life story has crept up and threatened to overwhelm me, into invisibility again, into doing something really stupid.  On the flip side, I know the fear that I still wrestle with, trying to deflect the intimate gaze of others, of Jesus and save face if I can...

But in beloved, I wait, under His gaze, both all seeing, and incredibly tender.