Irrational Fear?

What do you do when you find yourself afraid of something you can not see or define? How about as a child with no framework for understanding such a fear? It looks like an irrational fear to everyone else around you. Something childish that you just need to get over.

I was there. For the first time, I went beyond merely saying that I was an anxious child. I sought out the source of anxiety. Even now I cannot definitively say what caused the anxiety that drove me to insomnia. Was there nothing really to be afraid of? When asked, I would say that there was nothing bothering me, but settled into bed, I would lie awake for hours, the fear welled up with in me.

What I can say is that I feared that I was not protected or worth protection. This is not to say that I wasn't. My parents were concerned and trying to figure out why I was so freaked out. Because I couldn't understand it or explain it, I just held onto the burden.

I continued to hold on to burdens. But deep within that heaviness came a constant statement, "You'll never be enough." So I hated myself. I hated my weakness. My desire to prove I was strong enough, coupled with intense anxiety of failure, left me paralyzed and with a very tough exterior. A very independent, driven person, whose real desire was to be known and cared for, but to afraid to let anyone in.

I still fight with the thought that I am never enough. Right now, this is so appearant as I am learning a new situation, a new culture, a new job. I make more mistakes everyday than I want to count, and I wonder, "Is just me, enough?" A shared this whole scenario with a friend and they wrote back to me: "that my gifts, personality, beauty, demeanor, stubborness, boldness, and tender heart, " are what make me perfect for the situation I find myself in. That how God designed me was intended for this very place and time. (Ephesians 2:10) When the kids are screaming in Korean and I feel I have lost all control, I have to wonder. But as I talked to God over that description, I got the sense He said, "Its all true, and I'm really glad she used the word stubborn. Before you were formed in your mother's womb, I knew you"

So here I sit, in the midst of asking and seeking, am I enough? What belies that question of fear is, did God make a mistake in how I was formed? So again it comes back to trusting that God is everything and that I am enough because He has made me.

I hesitate even writing this because, I'm afraid that my writing isn't good enough, or that people will walk away as I share my weaknesses.

The Riches

I was recently discussing how in Jesus' ministry on earth, he called his disciples to be prepared to sell their possessions, to follow Him rather than family, to rely on the generosity of God through men, rather than their own material wealth. (This person also joked about posting all my possesions on E-bay for me.)

Most of us resist selling out. I know I do. I worked, I earned, I deserve my wage.

But that selfish, prideful attitude does two things. It hardens me to the needs of others...and it prevents me from receiving the riches of God.

One look at the first chapter of Ephesians and this is so evident: ... blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing...forgiven our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace, which He lavished on us...we have obtained an inheritance...sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance...that you may know the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe...

These are true riches: Spiritual blessing, forgiveness, adoption, an eternal inheritance from God the Father, hope, His power at work for me.

Worldly wealth and possessions are good when invested in the kingdom of God, but when I cling to them for security rather than God's eternal riches, I will always be disappointed. Plus clinging to them pulls me away from the heart of God.

Father, cause me to be content in what ever state of worldly wealth I find myself in, knowing that You are the giver of all things. May everything I have been given be invested, by faith, in Your kingdom, trusting that You will always provide for me from Your storehouses. Amen