Question, question question. Then shame: I'm not supposed to ask that question, am I?
As my pace slows, I put my hands on my head, trying to catch my breath like I used after finishing a cross-country race in high school. The weight feels like too much tonight. And I look away as He tries to catch my gaze.
I need to answer those questions. It's fear of rejection that holds me back.
Being seen.
I turn into a raging ball of emotions. I can't explain the tears when someone pushes too close. When they see the darkness that I have carefully arranged to look like light, and also begin to see the cracks where darkness and brokenness still look like a shattered mess.
I don't want to be wanted in that place.
From all these revelations, the questions come again:
"Who have You made me? Who am I?"
In the answer seems to be the answer to all the whys of my life.
I know who God is. I have sought after who He is to the max. He's never been unfaithful. And this is the time to ask Him the other questions... the seemingly self-centered questions.
To really discover myself with Him. To understand His creative design, so that I may know how to glorify Him.
Will I find someone I like?
Am I even unique?
Will anyone else embrace the vulnerable person outside the "dress-up" clothes and masks?
Can I take the pain, if someone rejects the core of the person I find?
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