Beloved: Beauty

In 2011, I have been on a journey to understand the word Beloved.  I've written several posts about the aspects of Beloved that I have encountered along the way.  But this is the one I have been avoiding...like the plague.  I just don't get it.  

  Even though, the term Beloved makes everyone think about it.  I haven't wanted to go there or write about it.  But after a period of days where it has been brought up, questioned and forced its way in to my conscious mind, I knew this is what I needed to write about.  It is deeply personal and I was hoping to write something less...intense.  But I'm certain my journey with it, is not unique...and my hope is my journey, and yours has less of a focus on it and an increasingly clear focus on HIM.

Beauty.

I appreciate beauty.  I see it in things and people all around me.   I see it in Jesus.  Notice which one I left out? 

I don't see beauty in myself. 

 I see my square jawline and muscle definition that men are jealous of, and I agree with my students' words that I look masculine (Should I mention I have two degrees in physical education?).  Sometimes, I just don't think I can pull off feminine.  

I see an empty queue of suitors and the truth that at 26,  I have never been on a date in my life, and I agree with the women who have said that I could find a husband if I put on a little more makeup, dressed differently, or did something different with my hair (Which has a mind of its own, add humidity and forget it).  Honestly, for all the advice I get, I'm either too much or not enough.  I can't win.

I constantly run into the walls I put up.  A hardness that came as a defense mechanism from both abuse and rejection, and it has prevented me from offering that tender beauty of a soul at rest.  The assault began so early in life that I believe the Enemy's lies that I never had beauty to offer in the first place and it was my fault.  The chaos going on in my heart and spirit, seem to only show the faults, the scars, the cracks, not a work of beauty.  

Most of these sentiments about myself never leave my head.  And I shove them down, and tell myself they are true along with the idea that God loves me anyway...even though I'm ugly.

And He does love me.  He created me.  The Master Artist.  With Beauty.  Inside. Outside. Upside down. Backwards.  I have Beauty to offer, no matter how small it feels.

I can do something about the ugliness I feel both inside and out.  I cultivate a lovely heart by time with Jesus, asking for the beauty of a quiet and gentle spirit...one that trusts God even as the Enemy assaults me and as others make, some well intentioned, but hurtful comments about my personality or outward appearance.  I can go after the places that need redemption, and refuse to believe the Accuser has the final word on me.  

I cannot ignore my outward appearance either...when I ignore it, it shows something about the condition of my heart.  Would you believe that two of the most healing moments regarding my beauty have ended up with God leading me on a shopping trip?  I found that I dress less femininely because I don't believe I possess a beauty able to carry the clothing.  

Yes, clothes will fade and in my case end up with sweat stains, make-up is temporary, and the happiness that comes on good hair days will dissipate...God wants me to know I am lovely, beautiful...formed as a woman to offer beauty.  Yet, in those moments where God has invited me to buy and wear something I feel beautiful in, He speaks of how He will always adorn His Beloved.

I most covet the inward beauty of a trust in God that will not be shaken.  To take back the places, the Enemy has stolen, believing they are fully mine, because I'm the Beloved and Co-heir with Christ.  It is a place of victory and beautiful and triumphal procession. To walk in the faith in Jesus, even greater and deeper faith than that faith that took risks to bring me to Korea, despite overwhelming obstacles, put the shame of the past behind me, and knew I was so Beloved by Jesus.  I was in that place of faith and rest last summer when a friend commented that it was the most beautiful she had ever seen me look.  Oh...

That is where Beloved meets Beauty

I acknowledge, I have a long way to go on this path, but I'm out of denial and sitting with it at the feet of Jesus