Irrational Fear?

What do you do when you find yourself afraid of something you can not see or define? How about as a child with no framework for understanding such a fear? It looks like an irrational fear to everyone else around you. Something childish that you just need to get over.

I was there. For the first time, I went beyond merely saying that I was an anxious child. I sought out the source of anxiety. Even now I cannot definitively say what caused the anxiety that drove me to insomnia. Was there nothing really to be afraid of? When asked, I would say that there was nothing bothering me, but settled into bed, I would lie awake for hours, the fear welled up with in me.

What I can say is that I feared that I was not protected or worth protection. This is not to say that I wasn't. My parents were concerned and trying to figure out why I was so freaked out. Because I couldn't understand it or explain it, I just held onto the burden.

I continued to hold on to burdens. But deep within that heaviness came a constant statement, "You'll never be enough." So I hated myself. I hated my weakness. My desire to prove I was strong enough, coupled with intense anxiety of failure, left me paralyzed and with a very tough exterior. A very independent, driven person, whose real desire was to be known and cared for, but to afraid to let anyone in.

I still fight with the thought that I am never enough. Right now, this is so appearant as I am learning a new situation, a new culture, a new job. I make more mistakes everyday than I want to count, and I wonder, "Is just me, enough?" A shared this whole scenario with a friend and they wrote back to me: "that my gifts, personality, beauty, demeanor, stubborness, boldness, and tender heart, " are what make me perfect for the situation I find myself in. That how God designed me was intended for this very place and time. (Ephesians 2:10) When the kids are screaming in Korean and I feel I have lost all control, I have to wonder. But as I talked to God over that description, I got the sense He said, "Its all true, and I'm really glad she used the word stubborn. Before you were formed in your mother's womb, I knew you"

So here I sit, in the midst of asking and seeking, am I enough? What belies that question of fear is, did God make a mistake in how I was formed? So again it comes back to trusting that God is everything and that I am enough because He has made me.

I hesitate even writing this because, I'm afraid that my writing isn't good enough, or that people will walk away as I share my weaknesses.

The Riches

I was recently discussing how in Jesus' ministry on earth, he called his disciples to be prepared to sell their possessions, to follow Him rather than family, to rely on the generosity of God through men, rather than their own material wealth. (This person also joked about posting all my possesions on E-bay for me.)

Most of us resist selling out. I know I do. I worked, I earned, I deserve my wage.

But that selfish, prideful attitude does two things. It hardens me to the needs of others...and it prevents me from receiving the riches of God.

One look at the first chapter of Ephesians and this is so evident: ... blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing...forgiven our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace, which He lavished on us...we have obtained an inheritance...sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance...that you may know the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe...

These are true riches: Spiritual blessing, forgiveness, adoption, an eternal inheritance from God the Father, hope, His power at work for me.

Worldly wealth and possessions are good when invested in the kingdom of God, but when I cling to them for security rather than God's eternal riches, I will always be disappointed. Plus clinging to them pulls me away from the heart of God.

Father, cause me to be content in what ever state of worldly wealth I find myself in, knowing that You are the giver of all things. May everything I have been given be invested, by faith, in Your kingdom, trusting that You will always provide for me from Your storehouses. Amen

What To Do With Mistakes

I hate making mistakes and I am far harder on myself about the mistakes than anyone else is. Sometimes though I project God's disappointment on my mistakes. Its as though because I failed, I screwed up what God wanted to do. This becomes a crushing weight, a tenseness that leaves me on the edge, waiting for retribution.

That is shame. And Jesus is the last person who would shame me. God knew my mistakes before they ever happened. Every weakness, careless mistake and sin.

I'm not discounting sin. I know the weight of sin cost Jesus everything. There are consequences to my choices. But the difference is that I do not bear the wrath of sin anymore. That is what I fear most.

Instead the Author and Perfecter of my faith has said that: "

For it was fitting that he, for whom and by whom all things exist, in bringing many sons to glory, should make the founder of their salvation perfect through suffering. For he who sanctifies and those who are sanctified all have one source. That is why he is not ashamed to call them brothers...Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, he himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery ~ Hebrews 2:10-11,14-15

Jesus is not ashamed of me. He defeated the one who used the fear of death to hold me in shame and slavery.

So do I allow myself to stand in the unbelievable grace that led me share in His glory?

At the moment, not so much. I think I made an oversight on something important. I haven't been able to find out if I actually made a blunder or not, but I feel crushed by the thought of it.

So I pray: Jesus have mercy on me. Reveal again the truth of Your love that paid for this.

Humility

I wrote in a blurb for the program for my master's hooding ceremony that I learned from Jesus that the degree meant nothing if I didn't have the character to back it up.

My own words are pointing a finger at me.

I'm educated. I have material possessions. I know people who can help me find employment in my field.

AND I rely far to often on those things rather than on Jesus.

My life and my work is not about serving myself. Maybe I am far too idealistic, but if what I do is only to serve me by making money to support a comfortable, easy lifestyle, I fail to walk as Jesus did. I become selfish, prideful and self centered.

Yes, I have physical needs. But Jesus said, "seek first the kingdom and all these things will be given to you as well."

I need to trust those words. Even when I have been called foolish or even childish for some of my choices. I face reality but I also walk in faith knowing that I have to trust Jesus to cover me on all sides, as life and the enemy takes shots at me.

This isn't just about going to Korea, (I can make no judgements at those God places strategically in the States to risk, and bring about His kingdom. He called me out. For what reasons, some I still don't understand) I choose to live outside my comfort zone. Its a lifestyle.

And it makes no sense outside of relationship with Jesus.

The Interim and The Story

Hey All!

I'm currently sitting in a coffeeshop. Not all that surprising, I know, but the location is different than my normal Brookings locale. I'm in Indianola, IA, staying with my parents until my paperwork for my teaching visa to South Korea comes through. I'm waiting for my visa number to come back from my employer in Korea so that I can go to Chicago to interview in person at the Korean Consulate to confirm the visa. Yes, this is a wonderful hoop-jumping process but I also realize that the process protects all parties involved.

I'm thankful for the interim to get some rest but I'm also kind of restless. The time has also allowed for some processing. I have had several people ask me in the last week how exactly I landed on teaching English for a year in South Korea. Its a interesting story as I think about it.

I think it started the summer of 2007 as I returned from the Philippines. Sitting in the airport in Incheon while changing planes, I remember saying to myself that I would like come to Korea sometime and see more than just the airport.

I can't remember when it was. Either that fall or the fall of 2008, I heard a message on God's heart for the nations. I had been to another nation in the Name of Jesus but starting that night God became moving my heart to go among the nation and began defeating my prideful ethnocentrism.

Fast forward to the summer of 2009. I was beginning to pray in earnest for God to point me in the direction He wanted me to go following graduation from grad school in May. Deep in my Spirit I could sense God leading overseas, but financially and logically it didn't make much sense to go. I should wait until I had worked a few years in the states first.

The nagging call kept pushing on my heart as I was working on my thesis. My research proved how important my passion for physical activity and wellness were but there was not peace in my heart about applying for physical education positions after graduation.

Then in October, during a campus-wide human trafficking awareness week, the Holy Spirit moved and revealed a plan to send me overseas, specifically to South Korea. Some of the most intense and heavy human trafficking takes place in Asia. As I was falling asleep Wednesday night, wrapped up in the covers, I could hear cries, and I knew God was opening my eyes to what victims of human trafficking fell asleep to: cold, no comfort, only tears.

I was devastated. I cried and I begged God to show me what He wanted me to do. How could I do nothing while I knew so many were enslaved? There had to be a next step to training in being a warrior for the Gospel and seeing people of the earth redeemed and set free. The next night He unveiled His plan.

I was explaining to a friend what I had been experiencing during the week. He looked me straight in the eyes and asked me, "So what are you going to do about it?" I paused and then the Spirit revealed to me as I spoke to my two friends there: I wanted to go to South Korea to teach english for a year. To be immersed in an Asian culture, as training for whatever God had for me after that. (South Korea came up for a couple reasons: It was a place where I had a friend already so I knew how the system kind of worked, and it was a place where I knew my experience would be sheltered by the Body of Christ as S. Korea has a great church presence and many with English speaking services and congregations.)

I was convinced this was the next step, yet in late December I began wondering as my physical health started a deep decline. While the muscular dystrophy that ran in my family, had weakened my muscles and left me sore and fatigued most days, what happened was beyond the realm of that disease. It started with swelling in my knees and ankles. I went to put on some dress boots for a friend's grandfather's funeral right after Christmas and it was almost impossible to get them zipped up. Then the pain came. First in one knee, then both knees, then both knees and an ankle then both knees and both ankles. Even a wrist and elbow began to have some pain. I couldn't fully bend or extend either leg. I could only wear flat shoes because of pain and balance. I was having to wake up 30 minutes early to try to ice my knees and ankles and because it was just taking me that much longer to move to ready myself in the morning. Some mornings I would try to stand getting out of bed only to fall back losing balance, and every morning facing sharp pain just standing.

I doubted that Korea was a good choice anymore. There was no way I could teach standing for hours a day in a high pressure culture, feeling like I did. I woke the morning that I was to complete my final draft of my thesis to sumbit to my committee. I could barely move. It was the worst day of pain yet. I was tired of the excessive amounts of ibprophen I was taking to try to soothe the pain, but I had to take more to get moving to finish the paper. I managed to get to Cottonwood and start in on edits. Karissa came in and noticed the strain on my face. We talked and she told me about Dr. Allard who practices alternative medicine. At that point I was willing to try anything that didn't involve prescription pain killers (I don't react well to them).

After a few days of contemplation, I called to make an appointment. Karissa came too and we drove down together. I'll admit it was a little strange but after two appointments, I was no longer taking any more than 2 ibprophen a day. I knew I had the green light to move forward with Korea even with some residual pain.

So God continued to prepare my heart as I began getting in contact with recruiting agencies and working on gathering all the necessasry paperwork. Into the summer, the one agency I worked with had plenty of jobs, but after applying for each one, I would hear nothing until I contacted them again to apply for a different job. So I contacted the man in the states that recruited teachers for the school that my had worked for. After an inital interview, he said he would like to work with me but he did not currently have any openings.

Doubt tried crushing me. I wondered how long I was supposed to keep pursuing Korea before moving on to finding a job in the US. At the beginning of July, David contacted me again saying a position had come open unexpectedly. I interviewed, was offered and accepted a job at the Yeong Kang Academy.

So this is where I am now. Waiting for visa paperwork to be processed. Even this step has been a longer waiting process than I anticipated but for what has transpired, I know and am convinced that His timing is perfect and I can trust Him for all things. I am preparing for a year of work but also a year of training. To God be the glory! May His kingdom reign in Me!

Breaking this down is hard. A revelation of the past has left me dumbfounded. I want to know who is to blame and how justice can be served.

And yet Jesus knows me too well. I cannot in my own mind, my own flesh reconcile every single piece of this devastating event of the past. Instead, He pulls me nearer and speaks to my heart:

"So My power may rest on you. You don't have to do anything to reconcile this but just ask. I made all atonement for your sin and I will carry out full justice on the unrepentant. No, what happened was not fair. Let Me stand in the gap and fight the battle that only I could win. And I did win. Walk in the victory and freedom of life that I have abundantly given you. Plus don't miss this: You will testify and be my messenger of grace. Be the vessel. Stand as Mine, Beloved."

Gut Level Compassion

I know what it is like to feel the kind of love and compassion that literally I can feel in my innards. Its not a sick to the stomach feeling but rather a kind of tension that makes me need to grunt in response. No lie.

I know it sounds weird but even in the Bible it talks about the guts being the seat of the emotions.

Picking up on some generational "curses" and sins at a recent family gathering, led to a very gut wrenching trip home. There are so many events and experinces that have shaped my family members that I don't know or understand. It leaves me broken for them. I long for them to be free of the chains that keep them in hiding. And I long for them to walk in the life offered by Jesus rather than the death of a self-sufficient, Godless life.

I pray and it only comes in groans. I have been wounded deeply by some of them, but my eyes now see the attacks of Satan and the defensiveness of ones also deeply wounded. How I pray for the cycles to stop! Lord, please, let it end with me!

A Letter to My SDSU Family...

I cannot tell you how God has blessed me through you all. I was given such loving and funny friends. I have laughed until I my stomach hurt with you. I have prayed in tears, fighting with and for you.

For those who are just finishing your junior year, you were an answer to an impossible prayer for me. God answered beyond imagination. I have had the opportunity to watch you all grow deep, up, and together with Jesus. My prayer for you: ask for a greater generation of spiritual multiplication to follow you. Leave with no regrets. You are an anointed group of ambassadors for the Father's kingdom. Stand in the power of His Spirit living in you as beloved children.

For the Nav's staff: Thank you for taking the risks. Thank you for following Christ into disciple making. Jeff, you have lived out dying as a seed so that God could produce fruit in and through you. I am so grateful for your example and leadership. Jo, you invest in so many lives, outside of Jesus, the way you live would not make sense. Thank you for speaking life! Sherry, I don't see you often but your faithfulness in raising your boys and supporting Jeff is something I admire. Keep writing! I love your honesty and it is a gift. EDGEr's, you rock! Besides the fact I would have felt like the old lady without you here, I loved witnessing God working in and through you.

For my Bible study women: I learned time in the word together is incomplete without dessert. I loved feasting on the Word with you. I pray God keeps revealing more of Himself to you and increases your hunger for His Word.

For anyone who may have rode with me on a trip: Sorry if I tried to kill you or got us lost. Big thanks to Sarah for doing her best to keep me awake for the last 2 hours back from the Laborer's conference even though the adrenaline from the snow was sufficient.

For all: Even if not mentioned by name here, you are written on my heart. I may have been in Brookings way longer than I intended but I God's amazing wisdom, He kept me here until His vision for disciple making was implanted in my heart and He made me ready to be sent out. I pray for Jesus to make you ready to follow His command where ever He leads you too. He is faithful. He will do it.

Hear His promise: "Call to ME and I will answer you; I will tell you of great and unsearchable things you do not know."

Melissa

God is Sufficient

The words in this email were hard to swallow then, and even reading it again now made me squirm alittle.

it's easy to miss the bigger lesson: that Jesus wants to be your all in all. I'm glad that to some degree God is meeting your needs through other relationships. Reality is, though, they will fail you as well, and while I'm tempted to say that's sad, really it's not.

My biggest idols are relationships. As God was tearing down one idol, I was getting ready to set up others. Even though the new relationships were far healthier than the old, I would put them in the place of God. And that was no better for my healing, wounded heart than to set myself up to be torn apart when those new idols would eventually crumble under the weight of my unrealistic expectations.

It is meant to keep God . . . God, and our idols of relationships in place. It's really a good thing when human systems let us down, even though it hurts. I know you know this, but we need to remind each other.

And I'm still guilty of putting people in the place of Jesus. Usually now though, I listen well enough to hear Him whisper to bring my heart back to Him before I really get into deep trouble.

Admittedly, my heart heart has betrayed me deeply in the last few days. I'm seeing relationships pop up that appear to be able to fill this deep ache that I have been feeling. It is taking about all I have to bring my heart back to God. To trust that He alone is sufficient to fill this heart. He is jealous for me and my deepest affections are to belong to Him.

And in God's amazing ways, when people are people, and not idols, God is the supplier of an outpouring of love for them. Even though they fail me, they are not what I am relying on to hold me up.

(This is a continuation of entries that are inspired by a series of emails)

I am standing by you, the real you, the redeemed you, the YOU that God wants to bring about, the YOU complete with your whole story but you're right, I won't cheer on the angry little girl except to say that her anger makes perfect sense to me, and I want to see her let go of it so she is no longer in prison. January 12, 2007

Forgiveness. Jesus tells us to forgive. But we've been wronged and we want justice. We want to know that what happened was real and we are justified in our anger.

But the anger we hold onto, holding the offense against our offender, without knowing when it happens, we end up with shackles on. By hanging on to our anger, we are actually enslaved to our anger.

Until, I realized that letting go would set me free, I felt like I was living life in a straight jacket. I forgave and the chains fell off. I was able to move on even though my offender has not repented. I thought in forgiving that he would get the upperhand on me, but instead in forgiving I got my life back. I could finally move forward.

The angry little girl walked out of that horrible, dispicable prision and began to breathe the fresh air of freedom, becoming the woman that God intended her to be.

Testify from the Beginning

Today, I went back through a series of emails dating back to December of 2006. I keep them not because of who sent them, but because they contain words of truth and now as sort back through them they read as the testimony of what God has done. So I will be sharing some from those emails.

The more freedom you taste, the less appealing being a victim will seem...ask Him to show you how He was there, and wait quietly. Then ask Him what He would have said, and wait quietly. Be prepared to weep; He may break your heart with kindness...Your (may I say it? pitiful) efforts at punishing yourself are nowhere near the judgement God will pass on sin; all the while redeeming sinners. I don't understand it; I just know we think we do sometimes so we do our little thing but He wants to do His Big thing -- just in His time, so cast yourself on His fairness, OK? December 2006

I had come to the end of my rope. I was angry, bitter, and broken from my own sin and sin committed against me. I dove headfirst into destructive behavior, but knowing I hated it more than anything. A dear friend offered their home as a retreat to pour my heart out and sort out what steps I needed to take for healing.

I left a note sharing what Jesus spoke to me that day. I was trying to bear the burden of sin committed against me. I believed the lie that I had to because they were not repentent.

I can say now that Jesus has spoken even more into this since. I have come to know in the deepest parts, that what Jesus did on the cross was enough. He will not punish me nor continue to let me punish myself because in His kindness I know that He has defeated sin. So I am a victor not a victim.

And yes, walking back through every hurt and sin often left me weeping, but I will never forget as I prayed seeing a vision of Jesus right next to me, weeping too.

(im)POSSIBLE

Last fall at a conference I was at, we were all challenged to create our own Impossible list. A list of the prayers that we knew to be impossible except for the intervention of Jesus. The speaker urged us to find and claim the promises of God. To see in the promises who God is as the Promiser. To pray, in faith, that God would do what He had promised. To pray over that list for 6 months and see what God would do

I prayed my list most of last fall, but as I transitioned out of the journal that my list was in, I lost sight of that list. And being honest, I saw no changes in the things I was praying for. It was just so hard to put those things that are closest and dearest to my heart out there, and then have it seem like nothing was happening. I put my heart out there only to get stomped on.

Earlier this week, one of my closest friends reminded me of those Impossible lists. She told me that there were 40 days left in the 6 months of challenge. I had to admit that my list buried under a stack of other notebooks and binders. She challenged me to go find it and to keep praying. To keep claiming those promises. To live as God's promises are true. To trust Him.

I found that list. I reread it. I wept.

I haven't been trusting You, Jesus

And something broke free in me. I saw that list with hope again. I saw the Truth in And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

With the strength He renewed in me,I will pray daily over that list and see what He will make POSSIBLE.

Health and Hiatus

I'm not taking a hiatus; I am coming back from one.

Life gets busy and I cling to the 30-45 minutes I have in the morning to spend with Jesus and journal but I don't seem to get through the surface level thoughts when my days are so hectic.

So what have I been up to?

Well... master's oral exam, planning 24/7 week of prayer on campus, spring break in Chicago serving at Cornerstone Community Outreach,day-long Dr appointment, teaching, grading, homework, more planning, speaking at kick-off event for 24/7 week of prayer, paperwork, looking for a job (sort of), praying, Bible study.

For the record, I love where I am at. I love what God is doing in my life. Its just that in busy seasons as this, I really miss the time I get to spend resting with Jesus, praying, journaling, processing. Not that I can always retreat from life, but things are a little out of balance at the moment.

I also run into my limited physical capacity. I can't keep up with most people or even the pace that I set for my own life. I struggle with the lack of control over my legs. This whole experience with alternative medicine has been very positive. My doc is a real comedian but with a real determination to help people. What he's doing is working, it is taking time and resources. I fear saying this but I am praying for provision so I can go back. At this point, I can't go back, even though where treatment stopped, has me even more unsteady on my feet.

I think the next post for me will be about the relationship between suffering and God's compassion and power to heal. See, that is going to take one of those really good sessions with Jesus first.

Finish Well

I remember when I used to run cross-country in high school. Yes, its only been seven years but it seems like forever ago, and I haven't really run since. My coach had many philosophies and one I will always remember is, Run through the line!

Some racers would let up and start coasting 10-15 yards before the finish line. That was one thing my coach hated. Anytime we did track workouts she was always yelling as us to not pull up before the finish line. But see, it paid off for almost all of us at some time. We would catch people or prevent ourselves from being passed, simply because that last 50-100 yards was all out and we wouldn't let up until we had crossed the line (This did cause some problems as we did run into people who had stopped past the line.)

I'm racing towards a finish line in life right now. Eight weeks separate me from an official end of grad school. Its hard to believe that I am in the homestretch.

I want to enjoy everything. I want to savor the moments that I have left with a group of people who for the love of Jesus have radically altered my life.

There is a temptation to coast, to pull out of certain responsibilties. And while I know the necessity of dicipling and passing on responsiblities to those who will continue here, the greatest influence I can have is by finishing well.

And the things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable men who will also be qualified to teach others.

Besides, I have another finish line to strive for.

However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.

Living the altered life

Its not your fault

Then why am I blaming myself?

Separate what you need to repent for from the things that you have no control over.

Its not your fault

The lies are deadly and oppressive. The pain from arthritis as my muscles break down down putting more and more pressure on my joints is excruciating. Getting out of bed in the morning takes more energy and courage than I feel I have.

Its not your fault

The pain is so prevalent that it is causing life altering changes I never expected to be making at 24. I'm seeking medical and chiropractic solutions for pain that most of the individuals my age never even think about. I have to consider whether I take the stairs or find an elevator not out of laziness but out of necessity. My pride won't let me go there quite yet, but a wheelchair exists in my future.

Its not your fault

But on top of the pain, Satan is so good at shaming me into giving up. To accept the pain as something I deserve. To believe that what is happening to me is in someway tied to my sin. The subtle lie that my mistakes are the reasons for a genetic disease that slowly deteriorates my muscles.

This is not your fault

God knew all of this would happen before I was ever born. He did not cause, nor does rejoice in my pain. He is taking what Satan meant for evil, and using it for good. I'm experiencing how personally the Enemy hates the Children of God.

Its not my fault. I had no control of this. God allowed it, but He promises full redemption. And humility and courage means risking seeking help from others. It means seeking help while resting fully on the sufficiency of God's grace.

It is what gets me out of bed in the morning. Its why I can honestly testify that my Father is loving and kind and enough in ALL things.

My grace is sufficient for you. My power made perfect in weakness

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest on me.

I just wanna play!

I was sitting here just now thinking that something just didn't seem right. There was a meloncholy feeling about me and I could not for the life of me why? So I asked Jesus.

About ten minutes later, the revelation came pouring out on me.

I really just want to play.

In that instant, tears came streaming out of my eyes. I could not hold them back.

I want to play and have the joy of a child. With the upcoming transition of finishing grad school and moving into the workforce, the last thing I feel like I have permission to do is play. And I know that in the moment God revealed this desire, He spoke that I could and needed to seek out play.

So, as my dear friend says, "Right now, I just wanna be 5! And I am gonna be 5!"

Loving God Makes Me Courageous

I was at a conference and the first session addressed The heart of a laborer.

A laborer is defined as a worker for the kingdom of God. And God raises up laborers by loving people. And as they know Him more, know His love more and learn to love Him more; it brings them out into the harvest field.

If you love Me, you will obey My commandments

I myself had read this before and thought that I must not love God. I was always disobeying. What I didn't know before is that this statement is an invitation. Its Jesus saying:

"You love Me, because I loved you first. Come let Me love you, so you will love Me. My love will do the transformation from the inside out. I'll clean the inside of the cup first, then the outside, your actions will also be transformed because your heart will be transformed."

As I know His heart for me, more and more, the more I want to go to others with His love. That still takes risks, because He asks and is asking that I go out to places in His harvest field that I've never been before or to places with very rocky soil. To international students, to my family, to the other side of the planet.

But loving God makes me courageous, because I know Him and His heart, and because I know, I trust Him for the steps He asks me to take.

Of course, I still chicken out sometimes. Thank God that so did people like Peter, Moses, and Jonah. But nore than that I want to rest on this:

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go

To Stand without Shame

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.
Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden. But the LORD God called to the man, "Where are you?" He answered, "I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid." And he said, "Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?" The man said, "The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it." Then the LORD God said to the woman, "What is this you have done?" The woman said, "The serpent deceived me, and I ate."

Man and woman fell in sin and they felt shame. They were wrong. They disobeyed and they hid.

We're still hiding today.

But God doesn't let us remain in hiding. He calls us forth to stand before Him. Completely bare.

But the thing that God is revealing is that He covers me with His righteousness. I can stand in all that I am. Every sin and every failure and every brokeness, and He sees Jesus. He says, "I forgive you. I make all things new. No more shame."

Of all the tactics that Satan loves to use on me, he really likes shame. It paralyzes me. Makes me rethink everything I do, even when it is an expression of love, I question my motives.

Its more than just knowing I don't have to hide. Its living as a child of the king. Not afraid to be me. To speak confidently, to love out of the love poured out on me. To live as an heir.

Sight

I woke up Sunday morning and my eye was red. I thought it was probably just from a lack of sleep and went about my day. By the time, Tuesday rolled around, my eye was bright red, the pupil was tightly constricted and I had a painful sensitivity to light.

A trip to the clinic, followed by a referral to an opthamologist revealed a condition I had never heard of before: Iritis (inflammation of the eye).

I've been frustrated as this has meant putting prescription eye drops in every three hours and has forced me to forsake my contacts for glasses. Its inconvienient, annoying and down right constricting to my normal way of life.

BUT...its for the sake of my sight. Untreated, the inflammation can cause any number of complications including permanent damage to the eye.

God has changed up my daily routines this week and put me in situations I am far from comfortable with. He has asked me to review some of my beliefs about certain things He says in His Word.

He has asked that I think less about what will be quick and less messy in ministry in my last semester and instead invest in places I have not before and be vulnerable and willing to His leading. To walk away from a group of dear friends (on good terms) to spend time with international students.

God has given me His heart for the nations, something that was borne when I was in the Phillipines (picture above). As that continues to grow, God is stretching me out of my introverted, self-focused, comfortable self (I've used introversion as an excuse when the latter two were more the issue).

Just as obeying doctor's is essential to preserving my physical vision, listening to and following Jesus' voice is essential to preserving my spiritual vision for His kingdom.

The Sound of His Heartbeat

dumdum dat dum dumdum dat dum

The rhythm bounces in my mind and my body moves with it. The sound of the drums echo through the room. The tips of the fingers on my left hand are now essentially numb and my right arm aching from playing guitar for two hours.

But there was no where else I would have rather been on a Friday night. Gathered in a small room of a church were around 20 people, and answer to prayer.

I can guess what things sparked this spontaneous prayer session. But as the drums played, I could sense the Spirit saying, "Listen to My heartbeat,
for this campus,
this community,
this nation,
for all nations,
for each person here,
for you."

I want nothing more than to continue to live so close to Him that I can always hear His heartbeat. At the moment it beats, "Prepare yourself, prepare yourself."

What is His heartbeat saying for you?

When Words Give Life.

Writing has become more than just theraputic to me. In writing, I have grown closer to Jesus. As I journal, putting thoughts and prayers to paper, He speaks to my heart.

From gentle rebukes, to the kind words of a Father, to cutting but not condemning convictions, to tender whispers of healing, to powerful affirmations of His glory, to clear reminders of the Truth of His written Word.

In writting I have learned Jesus' voice better, and even more transformational is that I have learned His heart better.

His words are life-giving and I through out my journals, I see Him. Drawing, inviting, healing, transforming. On days I go back to re-read them, I am awed by Him and His faithful pursuit of my heart. I am encouraged forward. Persevering in the face of life doesn't leave me defeated, when compared with knowing Him

My journals are the cheapest spiral notebooks I can find. They get beat-up as I tote them around with me, many lose their covers by the time they are filled, but they are immeasureably valuable.

Courage.

2010 is upon me. It is the year that I will turn a quarter-century old. I will graduate with a master's degree and it will be a great year of transistion. And the truth is;

I am afraid. I'm feeling overwhelmed at another step in growing up.

Yet, I can't wait. To see God's plan unfold and to enjoy the journey as I go.

So my word for 2010 is courage. I pray for courage to walk well, to not give into fear, and to obey the One Voice that beckens me.

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living! Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD! ~ Psalm 27:13-14