ICU and a Man Named Mike

Last Friday night I rode with my sweet friend K to see her grandpa who is in ICU in a town 2 hours away. While I wasn't facing the same emotions as her and her family, the whole night was a precious experience.

I sat in the waiting room while others took turns going into the room. I had met everyone who was there, except for one aunt, during the summer. The conversation bounced back and forth between serious and humorous, between the decisions that needed to be made based on what the doctor was saying and teasing one another about many different things.

We loaded up and headed out to a restaurant to eat after the ICU closed to visitors. Once there, they seated our party of 7 in the back. As we headed back, we passed a booth, where a man, disheveled and scruffy, was slumped over sleeping, with only a pot of coffee and a glass of water on the table.

We ordered and K's dad mentioned the man, whom many of us had not even seen walking in. Someone said we should ask if he had anything to eat. We stopped a waiter and asked if he knew if the guy was homeless. The young man said that he was and that usually the restaurant would give him food at the end of the night.

After we got our food, our table continued to talk about the man, and it was suggested that we should ask him if he wanted a meal and we would buy it for him. When our waitress stopped to checked on us, we asked her if she would see if he wanted to order something. She walked over and woke him up. She came back over and said he ordered a meal.

Later as we were almost finished, the first waiter came over and told us, " Mike says thank you."

You know, what gets me most is that when we walked in, no one knew what that family was facing; the possibility of losing a father and a grandfather. And, they were loud and rambunctious as we went through our meal. But they looked out for the interests of another, someone who needed a warm meal.

The Gift of Presence

This weekend was precious to me. The events and experiences stirred my spirit and I praise God for His goodness.

I took the opportunity to spend time with my sweet friend, K. The context of this time was riding with her to see her grandpa who is in ICU in a town 2 hours away. There was a hard reality that she and her family are facing, but the tenderness I saw among them, and the deep conversation we got to share, was a beautiful reminder of the gracious presence of Jesus with us in every situation.

Then I had to privilege to have a young woman over to my place for dinner and to use my place a study refuge for finals week. It reminded me of God's call to us to come away to Him. To lay down everything, and be with someone who loves you deeply.

See, difficulties get thrown our way everyday. They will seek to take out our hearts, where the Enemy, loves to deceive us into believing that life is too hard, that is easier to give up than to keep fighting for God's kingdom.

This weekend I saw, where God has called me away to His presence to rest. He has been with me in every moment of pain and sorrow, meeting me with His tender presence. I don't need the circumstances to change to have peace. And I know more than ever what the Gift of His presence cost Him. He sent Jesus to be the atoning sacrifice that I could enjoy and worship in His presence forever. Thank You Abba, in this season for the Ultimate Gift. The gift of Jesus, the gift. of Your presence

Yes

It was just over a year ago, a group of people called The Traveling Team came to speak on campus. They revealed God's great commission through out scripture and not just Matthew 28:18-20. They challenged us to ask ourselves if our "yes" was on the table.

YES meaning that we were actively seeking God for direction and if He asked us to move anywhere to see His gospel and kingdom advance, we'd be willing to obey.

This summer I tried pulling my YES off the table. The thought of leaving the people and place where I am at seemed too much to ask. But as I prayed, and sat at Jesus feet, the more I saw His heart and the things He desires.

I am more convinced today than ever, even knowing the reality of the situation that awaits me, that after I graduate in May, I am off to a land far from my own. Some days I feel more ready than others. In the moments I am afraid, God gently reminds me that He prepared me for this and that He goes with me. In the moments I can hardly wait, I dance for joy that He chose me.

Either way, my answer is:

YES!!!

You said, "Ask and I'll give the nations to you." Oh Lord, that's the cry of my heart

Rest for the weary

Sunday Pastor Scott spoke on rest for the second week. And by the end the Holy Spirit led him to speak a third week on rest next week. In his words, "it is too important for us to get this."

Sheesh...after another kick in the pants, I prepare for another. "Rest is more than a stop from working, it is actively seeking God and His rest." Pastor Scott asked us to honestly evaluate our weeks. Are we lazy? Or are we mistakenly believing that we must squeeze every ounce of productivity that we can out of every single moment?

Sometimes I think it is both. I get distracted easily and don't always use my time effectively when I need to, and then end up stressed because I procrastinated. Other times, I end up carrying a burden where I never stop to trust that if something doesn't get done that things will be okay. That God will work it out.

Then I also wondered about my weekend. It was full of time with friends. Friday night I got to go to a high school play to watch a good friend and then spend time playing games after. Saturday during the day, I did some work on my research and some other projects, but then that night, I went with friends to a great dinner and then live music. I often wonder about the value of entertainment. But I really enjoyed that time. I relaxed and was able to put the workload behind me because the people are what really matter in my life. My weekend was topped off with an awesome conversation with a friend who is in China. I felt rejuvenated.

Is that rest? Or is it shucking responsibility? I'm sitting on this verse: So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. ~ 2 Corinthians 4:18. I figure whatever is best and rest will come out of that. Whether, I need a kick in the butt to get going, or a hand on the collar to get me to stop. If my focus is on the eternal, God will work it out.

Something Missing

God uses all things for good.

As I have spent the last few months processing the reality of living with muscular dystrophy, God has spoken directly into how that physical condition is representative of the spiritual condition I have often found myself in.

Let me explain first what exactly is going on physically. This is a genetic disorder where the mutation basically makes it so the muscle cell membranes are faulty. What this means is that when muscle tissue breaks down like it usually does with normal use and exercise, it cannot rebuild itself properly and this causes weakening rather than the strengthening effect that normally happens.

Okay folks, I hope you are still following me.

In our walk with Jesus, it sometimes seems like there is something missing too. We work and work and work, but there seems to be no fruit, no growth, and, at times, that we are even going backwards. We get things in our minds, but it doesn't translate into transformation. Why is this? What is missing?

Is it discipline? I don't think so. Is it prayer? I'd be the first one to say there is a lack of prayer but that isn't exactly the answer to this question.

I think it is a Galatians 2:20 heart. We are still fighting to live for ourselves. We don't die so that Jesus can live in us and exert His power through us. We are weak because we don't let Jesus be strong.

When Jesus tells Paul that His grace is sufficient for the trials and daily grind, Paul gets it: " Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest on me."

The something missing is the power and life of Jesus. The troubles and trials will come. Jesus told us they would. The daily grind takes our hearts out. But Jesus has overcome, so must choose to die to myself so that Christ may live and reign. There lies the key to growth and sanctification.

Why "Seek, Fight, Pray"

It's the ache in my chest that puts me on my knees.

It's the joy of refuge

It's that moment when I realize God had been at work all along

It is the call that keeps repeating

It is the desire to see chains break

It's seeing mourning turn into dancing

It is the body I am a part of that rallies to whomever when the call is sounded

It is living my life in worship as I will for all eternity with my Savior

Seek: The treasure is God. He is what my heart longs for. My sinfulness, perverts that desire and I will seek good things as though they are God. Satisfaction is only fully met in Jesus. When I ache, when I long, it is an act of will to seek God. To surrender myself to Him.

Fight: This seeking is not unopposed. Satan would nothing more to keep me from loving and worshipping God. He tries to turn those longings into sin, which put up a barrier between me and God. I fight with the Truth of who God is. I let Jesus fight for my heart. I fight for others because I want them to know too.

Pray: What better place to be than before the throne of God? In prayer, I know and am known. Satan can't use what I have confessed and acknowledged before the throne. I cast myself on God's mercy...

Divorce is NOT an Option

I think about how often I see a split, whether in a casual aquaintanceship, friendship or marriage, is the end result of conflict. It feels like the best option; that the pain will go away if the relationship is terminated.

We are too stubborn to stop having our own way. And the result is torn relationships and broken people.

In meditating on the truth, that for God, divorce is not an option, I am reflecting on what it takes to fight for relationships as God has fought for me. I am not talking about marital divorce. I'm talking about our sin that has separated us in our relationship with God. We go our own way.

But God has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." And He has backed up His Words. His love, has said "I will do what ever it takes to make this relationship work out." In the greek language, this type of love is called agape. We walk away in our pride and selfishness and God pursues us relentlessly. To fight for and win back our hearts. The reconciler of all is Jesus. Who laid down His life to pay the price of our sin, to bring us peace with God. And to top it all off, He stays near to heal. To whisper the truth, when we start to forget.

In this time, when I am very aware of my shortcomings and deficits, and I just want to to numb the hurt with more sin. I am crying out to the Lover of my soul. He is not walking away from my squalor. He is coming toward me with arms wide open, saying, "I will redeem. I will restore. I am enough. I make all things new."

27 Million Voices

I want to do something.

This week four campus ministry groups plus imput from the three most secular groups on campus held a human trafficking awareness week. 4 days of training, praying, information tables, and an open forum will conclude tonight with a presentation by, Mindy, a woman who works with World Hope in Cambodia.

The sheer volume of information I have taken in this week about modern day slavery is completely overwhelming. An estimated 27 million people in slavery around the world... 80% are women... 50% are children... 70% are in some type of sexual slavery...it is happening in my backyard...200 women bussed into South Dakota for sexual servitude for hunters during pheasant season (Opener is tomorrow)... the mall of America is the #1 recruitment spot for human trafficking in the US... women held in cages to be selected by customers for sex...children as young as 5 or 6 kidnapped and forced into being soldiers... people told they must work for nothing to pay off a "debt"

This is the tip of the iceberg. I am exhausted physically and emotionally from the whole experience, but when I look into the heart of Jesus, I know one thing...

I can't claim ignorance...

I hear their voices...

I am not the bearer of the weight of this problem, but I know the call of my Lord: to act justly and love mercy and walk humbly with my God. Jesus is the true Redeemer of those who are enslaved physically and spiritually.

I want to go to Asia, to be an agent of His redemption. But I'll start right now...

From Nehemiah to the Moravians

The power of prayer...I can talk about it. I say that I believe in the power. I have read about the theolgy and know the scriptures about prayer. The real school of prayer comes in doing. Facedown, praying until the Spirit really gets you praying, getting carpet fibers up your nose (Thanks for this image Jo), begging before the throne of grace.

There are two examples of pray warriors that I have been asking God would mold me into.

First is Nehemiah. The man was in the court of the king as cupbearer. He hears of the remnant his brothers of Israel in Jerusalem being exploited and attacked. Nehemiah is devastated. The first throne room floor he hits is not that of the king of Persia, but he weeps before God.

The source I used, said that about 4 months spanned the gap between when Nehemiah first heard about Jerusalem and when the King inquired of Nehemiah what was bothering him. In that time, Nehemiah was constantly burdened in prayer for Israel. Four months... I have prayer ADD and often find it impossible to sustain prayer for a topic for more than 2 minutes.

The beauty of God is that HE delights to answer Nehemiah's prayer. God moves in the heart if the king to be favorable toward Nehemiah and Jerusalem, not only granting that Nehemiah may return to Jerusalem to see the wall around the city rebuilt, but also granted all the supplies needed as well as safe transport there.

The prayers of Nehemiah do not end there. He listens and watches to God's vision as he surveys the walls around Jerusalem. Then Nehemiah, follows the voice of God, his King, as he rallies the remnant to rebuild, even amid the distractions and threats of Tobiah, Sanballat, and Gesham. Leading the people to rebuild the wall in record time, while most of the time they were working with one hand and ready for battle with a sword or spear in the other.

I cannot tell you powerful this last image sticks in my mind these days. Praying, obeying in building the Kingdom, and fighting in battle spurred on by petitioning and listening to the voice of God.

Lately, it is incredible how subtle the distractions have been. How deceptive the lies have been to prevent me from walking forward in freedom. Prayer must be constant or I hesitate or stall out. There is only ONE VOICE for me to listen to and obey even when other voices seem wise.

The second picture of prayer comes from more recent (if you can call it that) history. It is the example of the Moravian Church. Which is the birth of the 24-7 prayer movement

The Moravians saw God move. Someone was before the throne of God every hour of every day for over 100 years. This is a picture of giving God no rest. You who call on the LORD, give yourselves no rest, and give him no rest till he establishes Jerusalem and makes her the praise of the earth. Isaiah 62:6b-7

And it was in and through this people on their knees that God moved mightily. They were transformed by prayer. They saw people coming to know Jesus and they sent many missionaries around the world with the gospel.

This is my heart cry for the church. To be transformed and moved by God as they seek Him in prayer. A book I was reading states over and over again that without people grounded in prayer and constantly seeking God, nothing we do can ever be successful, because without prayer we leave God out of the equation. Without the power of God, teaching and preaching has not the vision of God and the gospel falls on deaf ears.

Where does prayerlessness and weak praying come from? Pride. We fail to see in every moment our desperate condition apart from the redeeming and saving grace of Jesus. We put our trust in something other than Jesus.

I have no brilliant words to offer. My Spirit is somewhere in a state of desperation and rejoicing. Please, body of Christ join me facedown. Let us seek the face of the One who sacrificed all, to make a pathway to the Father.

When he has brought out all his own, he goes before them, and the sheep follow him, for they know his voice...My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand. ~ John 10:4, 27-29

A group of friends and I were studying this week the topic of God as Shepherd. As we were discussing, it was hitting all of us how much we really are like sheep and how desperately we need a Shepherd.

See, sheep are really dumb. They are the second stupidest domesticated animal on the planet...behind humans. Sheep will freak out and run head first into a fence, and then freak out more. They are so dumb, that they won't stop to think that they could back up, and instead keep running into the fence. They need a shepherd to turn their head, so they can escape this prison of their own creation.

Shepherds also would break the leg of a sheep who had a tendency to wander off, and then carry that sheep over their shoulders, while the leg healed. It was in that time as well that a sheep would really learn their shepherd's voice.

God does the very same thing as our Shepherd. At times He will have to turn our heads to keep us from continuing our insistent head-banging. And He will also use our circumstances, where we are wounded and need to be carried to teach us His voice.

Between reading in Ezekial 34 and John 10, and listening to the stories from Ryan whose family raises sheep, the metaphor became a very real scenario. The Holy Spirit was doing some serious work in me.

I am a sheep. A particularly dumb one. I have been freaking out because of circumstances. I have a form of muscular dystrophy that my doctors have not yet been able to identify. I am losing strength and more so in the last few months than before. I am losing the ability to do things that I love, and I have been left wondering how long I would be able to pursue a career in physical education.

In the last couple of weeks, God has been coming to turn my head away from ramming the fence of being a victim of my circumstances. He has also seemed to have broken my leg, so He can carry me in this path and so I can learn intimately the intonations of His voice. To be reminded that, the Shepherd of my soul has laid down His live so that I might have eternal life. It is ill-deserved grace.

He has called me to be still and rest. Believe me, even wounded, I am dumb enough to want to run back to the fence. I'm learning His gentle and kind voice, and it is giving me courage to check into options I would have never pursued without His coaxing. I am waiting to hear back from a professor who has done research on physical education teachers with disabilities, and I am praying and waiting on whether to go after a couple other possibilities.

Yes, my Shepherd is good and kind. And I need Him desperately!

"I myself will be the shepherd of my sheep, and I myself will make them lie down, declares the Lord GOD. I will seek the lost, and I will bring back the strayed, and I will bind up the injured, and I will strengthen the weak, and the fat and the strong I will destroy. I will feed them in justice...I will make with them a covenant of peace and banish wild beasts from the land, so that they may dwell securely in the wilderness and sleep in the woods. And I will make them and the places all around my hill a blessing, and I will send down the showers in their season; they shall be showers of blessing...And they shall know that I am the LORD their God with them, and that they, the house of Israel, are my people, declares the Lord GOD. And you are my sheep, human sheep of my pasture, and I am your God, declares the Lord GOD." ~ Ezekial 34:15-16, 25-26, 30-31.

He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young.~ Isaiah 40:11

One Voice

There are two ways to live. My way or God's way. They both produce results, but what results do I want?

I was visiting at another local church than where I regularly attend, because a friend of mine was getting baptised. It was beautiful. I was in charge of taking pictures. I was so excited I was shaking.

Back to why I was writing this post. God spoke clearly to me through His servant who pastors that church. He made a point that those who follow Christ will not face life the same way, the same normal, as the rest of the world. The sermon reached into my heart where seeds had already been planted.

Quite honestly, I have been living scared. I have forgotten, in my desire to control my circumstances, to live in Christ. The power to walk through this unknown valley comes through asking for and receiving from the Holy Spirit. I am not sure what God is up to. There are so many voices telling me to do this or that so that things will work out the way I want. But as I sat there this morning, and I pushed mute button on those other voices and listened to the still small Voice, the assurance that He is with me through the grieving, the fatigue, the seemingly lost moments, and the unknown future poured over me, as my spirit surrendered once again.

Besides, after watching this, it is hard to forget for what Jesus died. That is One Voice I need to listen to.

Breaking the Cycle

There is nothing quite so suffocating as hopelessness. It comes from a cycle of thinking that there is no solution to the problem. Okay, I have a problem. And even if the solution is to rest and praise God. Okay. It means that God is still Lord. He is still at work. I can't see the answer yet. But I know God.

I thank God for a friend, who challenged me to stop focusing on the problem and seek a solution without predicting the outcome. I know the love of Christ. So by faith, I will have a couple of conversations and pray knowing that God is in control of the outcome. In that, there is hope.

Through the Cracks 2

Back in the spring I wrote this post about how Jesus shines through the cracks of the broken vessel I am.

After this summer, I'll that I have been pretty self-focused and I have been trying to hide the cracks instead of letting Jesus be glorified. I could say that what has been on my mind is justified. Circumstances have been confusing and some just down right hard.

"psst...your weaknesses are showing..."

Thanks Satan. I realize that. You don't have remind me. I do that well enough myself.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;

The weight of accusation has been heavy, but I don't want to give Satan more credit than he deserves. I want to praise my God, with hands lifted high. To be transparent about my weaknesses, not to focus on my problems, but to share the grace of Jesus with more and more people.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

It can be difficult to not give up hope. I am looking at a degenerative muscle disease, that is taking away the skills and abilities to do things I have always enjoyed and been good at, the things I trained for. There is no cure, only management of symptoms.

Yep...I could lose hope. Or I can praise God, because I look forward to the day, when I see Him and all things, including this body, are made new. I don't know what He has planned for me in this life. But I want be more concerned with the kingdom and glory of Jesus than my comfort or circumstances. I trust Him because I know that He loves me.

But God demonstrates His love for us in this, while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

He has always had my good in mind. So I will not cease to say,

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord

I am His and He is Mine

Loved with everlasting love, led by grace that love to know;
Gracious Spirit from above, Thou hast taught me it is so!
O this full and perfect peace! O this transport all divine!
In a love which cannot cease, I am His, and He is mine.
In a love which cannot cease, I am His, and He is mine.

Heav’n above is softer blue, Earth around is sweeter green!
Something lives in every hue Christless eyes have never seen;
Birds with gladder songs o’erflow, flowers with deeper beauties shine,
Since I know, as I now know, I am His, and He is mine.
Since I know, as I now know, I am His, and He is mine.

Things that once were wild alarms cannot now disturb my rest;
Closed in everlasting arms, pillowed on the loving breast.
O to lie forever here, doubt and care and self resign,
While He whispers in my ear, I am His, and He is mine.
While He whispers in my ear, I am His, and He is mine.

His forever, only His; Who the Lord and me shall part?
Ah, with what a rest of bliss Christ can fill the loving heart!
Heav’n and earth may fade and flee, firstborn light in gloom decline;
But while God and I shall be, I am His, and He is mine.
But while God and I shall be, I am His, and He is mine

The lyrics to this hymn written by George Wade Robinson were used in a book I was reading and I was so moved. I am now looking for a recording to download.

This song is just too perfect for where God has me and what He is teaching me. The apostle Paul writes to the Ephesians and says that it is his prayer that they may know the full dimensions of God's love and that it is in that they would be made more holy and God would be most glorified.

If experiencing and knowing God's love is what glorifying to Him, why am I running away from Him? Why am I running away from the intimacy that would mature and complete me?

Reality is that I am far mor self-centered than Christ centered. So as Paul prayed, now I pray.

Grace, Grace, Grace

Grace is the love of God poured out, through Jesus, on ill-deserving sinners. Can't be earned. And it is pride to believe I could ever add anything to the completed work of Jesus on the cross. Jesus said, "It is finished."

I have been living my walk with God as though I have to earn something and perform. It is like God is always disappointed with me,as I stumble and fail.

Do this. Don't do this. I was starting to believe that I couldn't win.

Then He reminded me of the true nature of His grace. And I'm learning to live knowing I just can't lose.

A Quiet Friday Night

I have thoroughly enjoyed a quiet evening alone. When I got my hair cut this afternoon, the cosmotoligist asked if I had Friday night plans. Nope. Instead I sat on the couch, got up made a frozen pizza, made a shopping list, went shopping, and then came back to the couch. I'm contemplating bed. It is a cool summer night so I may even opt for some warmer pajamas tonight.

The last couple weeks have been good although busy and at times rather intense. I can definitely say the biggest themes running through out it all are grace, God's promises, and persevering in prayer. I am at the moment looking at Him and asking with excitement, "What is next? Where is Your glory?"

Off to bed with this tired little girl. I may have passed the mark of another year on earth, but I am never too old to climb up into my Daddy's lap.

Freedom

There are tears pushing at my eyes again. They are tears of release, of joy.

This last week has brought the challenges of God asking me to obey Him, instead of living in the fear of man. I wrote a letter that was a long time in coming. I pray it is the first of many. I can't say where this is all leading. I must keep taking steps forward and trust God with the results.

There is freedom,and I am finding a deeper and sweet confidence and trust in my God.

Rain

I saw the stares but I didn't really care.

It was only once the rain started that I got out of my car and walked into the oncoming downpour.

It was FOR my sanity that I did it. Have you ever felt so contained that you have to do something a little crazy.

So I walked and prayed in the rain. I confessed my failures and shortcomings and prayed that God would be glorified through me. And I got my answer...

The rain came down even harder

Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me
Hallelujah, all my stains are washed away

Need vs Want

Everyone wants to be needed, right?

But what if what we really want is to just be wanted? Confused? So was I.

I believed that all I was worth to people was being useful. I needed to be needed. What I wanted was inconsequential. Being known for who I was and enjoyed was something I could not believe others would see me.

When someone pointed out that it was hard to fight for our friendship because I made it too easy, that I needed their approval and couldn't really know and enjoy them. I couldn't really love them. I had put conditions on love. For loving myself, for loving others.

My world was turned upside down. I was looking at relationships with people to meet my needs, while believing that I was doing it for them. It looked good, but was selfish.

I praise God that He knocked me out of this delusion. God does not need me. He wants me. He chose me. Because He needs nothing from me, His love is unconditional. If I live with my needs met in Jesus, I am free to love others.

Joy

It's in peace. It's in security. It's in contentment.

I have very little of those things in my outward circumstances. Despite all of the things that are driving at me to be anxious, there is joy.

It is small. Yet enduring. Because the Lover of my soul is a strong and mighty fortress. So I rejoice!

One of THOSE Kind of Weeks

I am so glad this week is shortened by Memorial Day weekend. Only two more days of work left. Heck, I am already needing a break. I have spent the last two days painting at work. Its a task that I don't mind. I actually enjoy seeing the transformation. Minus the fact that I have been staring at a very interesting shade of lime green for a day and a half.

Seriously though, the MD is a real pain in the rear. Appearantly climbing up and down off of ladders and tall chairs and holding a paint roller above my head for long periods of time does not make my body feel good. I actually considered using the elevator to get back upstairs because I didn't think my legs would carry themselves there.

Sometimes I wish I was a typical almost 24 year old. Then God reminds me of 2 Corinthians 12:9-12: Then He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you. My power made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest on me.

By the way, my powerwashed toe is healing pretty well.

God at Work

Summer has come. I have had my first official sunburn. I also was doing some work power washing outside the other day barefoot... It was a great idea until I misfired and took skin off one of my toes...

It has been a tradition the last few years that this time of year is also where I need God to break me. It has seemed that God has pulled the rug out from underneath my feet. I know better and I am praying for a heart that can take mid-course corrections from my God.

This summer is also about laying the foundations of prayer for the coming school year. I won't try to go into the theological arguements but God moves and works when His people pray. Here is the verse I have been meditating on:

If my people who call by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land. 2 Chronicles 7:14

I Am Done

I want to be done with this world. I'm tired of being entertained. I'm tired of the empty promises from our culture.

I read of God's promises and I ache. I want eternity. So I hope. So I pray for the hastening of God's kingdom.

I need Jesus near. I need to not be disillusioned with my Savior, and see clearly the Truth.

What I Need

I have been saying my first couple rounds of good-byes for the summer. Seriously, I have held off the tears but the hugs have been monster! I know that it will get harder as campus empties out for the summer. Withdrawal will start kicking in about sometime Sunday night.

I know God has me in a much different place than I was a year ago. (THANK GOD!) I was chatting with a friend and mentor this afternoon and she affirmed somethings that make me praise Him all the more. Because of many circumstances, I had to depend on God more. My walk with Him is richer because, instead of seeking comfort in people, I sought Him.

All the things that we often say as Christians that we "should" do became things I needed to do. Time in His word, prayer, worship. All of these are not as mechanical as they used to be. Jesus taught me how to seek Him, to talk to Him, to praise Him.

Here is the thing, I want others to know Him intimately. God relates to each one of us individually because of the unique way He created each of us, but He always offers the deeply passionate, intimate relationship with Him. Too often we are scared to go there. There is no hiding with Him...Just lay it out there and ask Him to do what He wills with it.

I have found myself amazed at how I know Jesus now and that I am still not done learning more about Him.

50 and Counting...

Well this is my 50th post. For as much as I journal, it is interesting to me how long it has taken for me to get to this point. Really though, it is because I do spend so much time journaling, I don't always know how to rephrase some of my disjointed thoughts enough to post them.

Aside from that, I am sad and joyful. Last night was the end of the year picnic for our campus Navs group. I was put in charge of organizing it. Tuesday's forcast called for rain all day! So what did I do? I freaked out for a while, made a back up plan, then I prayed (probably not the best order, but well, old habits die hard). I prayed for workable weather and by yesterday morning the evening forcast was only calling for cloudy skies! Sweet! After consulting with our campus director, we decided to go ahead with the picnic.

The weather wasn't perfect. In fact, it was misting most of the time, but no one seemed to really mind. There was joy. Everyone was enjoying just being together before finals and dispersment for the summer. God is good.

Anything else?

The last three days have been a whirlwind. I'm trying to take some deep breaths at the moment so that I don't pop!

This week I have had lists of expectations set on me for the summer and even more so the fall. It really has been one thing after the other. I have been sorting through and praying over so many of these things, trying to know if God is asking me to make it all fit or if there is something I really need to say NO to. I am excited for what God is doing but, much more feeling burdened to pray.

I know how helpless and powerless I am to get through any of this without Him.

Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all of these will be given to you as well.
Matthew 6:33

Anything else?

Hiding

Tuesdays are usually the day that I spend the majority of my time in the Student Union, working on random homework and just have a spot for people to just come and hang out in between classes. Not today...two papers due this weekend and a swarm of high schoolers in blue corderoy (aka Future Farmers of America) have decended on campus, have me hiding out in a coffeeshop instead. I need some kind of productivity!

...His Grace

Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace.~Jerry Bridges

Thank you Jesus!

Through the Cracks

"Okay God, You really want me to smash this pitcher with a hammer?"

Moments later, I sat there with a hammer in my hand and shards of pottery scattered out in front of me. This was far from the end. Now I had to piece by piece, glue everthing back together. God wanted me to see how He saw me and the processes He was taking me through.

Sort the pieces

It was time to inventory the damage that had been done. There is no way to continue without first seeing what kind of pieces there are. The base was mostly intact. There were some tiny shards and dust, that needed to be set out on a sheet of paper. I knew some of those would be tossed away, no longer necessary. What pieces needed to be glued first so they would set better in whole?

I ignored that damage for the longest time. I could shove it down, and maybe people wouldn't be able see it. They wouldn't see how messed up I was. Yes, I knew Jesus had saved and redeemed me, but it seemed everyone else was telling me to just pull things together. Besides, that was a mess, destruction that no one in their right mind would ever want to deal with.

But Jesus wouldn't leave me alone... And I began to know that I couldn't live that way. It was painful to look at and deal with, but Jesus started looking at the pieces and placing them together. Some things I thought were a big deal, got set aside. They would be dealt with later after the big things were put in place.

Glue and Patience

The first two pieces went together fairly easily and set in about 10 minutes. Okay, maybe I can do this, maybe it won't be too bad... 40 minutes later only one more piece had been glued in place, I had to take a break to go take care of another task for someone else

At times I was having to add glue 2 or 3 times before the pieces would stick. A couple I realized, would not stay until later; other pieces had to be in place first. That and I had to be patient in letting the glue dry. Move too quickly, and it would be another 10-15 minutes of sitting still.

Well, that wasn't so bad. Okay Jesus, come and deal with this. I need to be put back together.

Wait... no not there. I'm not ready to let go of that! Agh! I messed up again! How will I ever be whole? Jesus why do you put up with me? I'm never going to get this right!

Gentle Pressure and a Steady Hand

For the glue to set, there had to be not only patience, but pressure. Let go, and everything falls apart. Press too hard, and pieces would slide and move. It was at this point that God and I started talking about, what He had been doing in my heart that paralleled me putting the jar back together.

I could feel His hand with me as we talked. There were wounds, but I could see now, where He was in all of it. And it hurt! But I saw His tears, and felt His steady hand. I could move forward. There were sins, but I saw Him pouring out His blood to make me clean. There were tears in both our eyes still, His gleamed with love, and mine of gratitude.

"You are mine, Beloved."

Whole?

After a stop for some more glue, finally the once shattered jar was back together. There was no way to hide the cracks and chips. And there were even holes that could not be filled. The jar was not much to look at before, and well now it is no where near perfect, but like anything that has stood the test of time, those imperfections are beautiful and intriguing. There is a story behind each crack and chip.

Jesus has made me whole again, but I am still so imperfect. I want to keep looking at the cracks and holes and wonder, God how could I ever bring glory to You?

A Vessel for His Glory

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us." ~ 2 Corinthians 4:7

Like that clay pot, I am but a vessel. Jesus is the precious treasure. And through those cracks, my weaknesses, that Jesus can shine and seep through. It isn't about people seeing me, it is about them seeing the power of God and the transforming power and love of Jesus. I do have a story, and it is not something to be ashamed of, but it is a testimony of what Jesus has done for me.

In reality, I am so far from being complete. Jesus is still working, and so the story continues, His glory increases, and His grace becomes richer and deeper to me. He walks with us every step of the way, and I am learning what it means to praise Him and honor Him and give Him the glory in good and in bad.

I wish I could express the richness of the whole passage of 2 Corinthians 4. I want to be a servant, a vessel in which Jesus and the power and love of His salvation and glory can be seen. Well, the best way to see the treasure inside a opaque clay pot... is through the cracks.

Nice is NOT a Fruit of the Spirit

This was the title of a workshop put on by a close friend of mine, at a conference Saturday. It is funny how we will be nice to avoid things getting messy, but what about that person that really needs to hear they are making a mistake?

My friend did some study on the origins of the two words and here the basic conclusions: True kindness combines speaking the truth in love. Nice is about caring about how you end up looking. Kindness is about looking for the best interest of the other.

His Will

I'm putting off homework until tomorrow. I had wanted to get more done today, but it isn't what I need tonight. I do have time tomorrow to chip away at the to-do list, but I need to contemplate a question tonight.

Do I pray to hear and accept God's will?

Prayer is about God changing us, not us changing God.

I am tempted to sort through my journal tonight to see if I have been asking God to change my circumstances more than I have been asking to know Him and hear and accept His will for my life. Yet, that is not what God is asking of me. He wants me to seek Him.

I know things have been hard and I want to understand why this is God's will for me. Yet I know that faith in Christ is not about getting around things, it is about having a relationship that gets me through things.

I rejoice tonight knowing my God reigns, that no mistake on my part can frustrate God's will. I am not even close to having that kind of power. He will prevail! And so I rejoice that my name is written in heaven and that His will is for my good and His glory. Hallelujah! He is worthy!

From the Heart

Would you come and pull up a chair across from me? Would you like some coffee? Hot cocoa? Maybe tea?

For those who know me in real life, you know that I don't live on the surface level. I am constantly thinking about deeper things, probably because until Jesus came into my life almost 7 years ago (Praise the Lord!) I lived on the surface level. I was too afraid to go deeper, to be found out.

I'm guessing most of you know someone who you wonder what is going on below the surface, but they never let you in? Usually they are so busy, so concentrated on tasks that your sincere question of, "How are you?" is returned with, "Fine. Gotta go!" I am not saying that to be critical. I am this person. I am more comfortable for what I can do than for who I am.

Seriously, I have a hard time believing that people love me for me. It hasn't been until recently, when a friend looked me directly in the the eyes and asked me, "Why can't I just love you?" that people do see more in me. And she wasn't the only one asking that question. God has been asking me that, more and more in the last few months.

Here is the real issue, if I feel my worth comes from what I do, not from who or I should say Whose I am, then the most natural thing to do is to ignore and bury my heart. But Jesus, kept seeking my heart out, and I am learning that the abundant life Jesus talks about is found when we live from our hearts.

Most of us run from out hearts, because we are afraid of them. We are afraid if anyone see's them, we will be found out as imposters. We are told they are evil and that we should keep them in check. Yet, in looking at scripture, this isn't the truth.

2 Corinthians 5:17: Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come.

So often we are told our hearts are sinful and bad, but if we are new in Christ, we have been given new hearts. So our hearts are good, because they are from God.

So what about sin? Check out Romans 7 and Paul wrestling with this very question. If my heart is good, why do I sin? Because there is the flesh. When Paul says there is nothing good in him, it is the flesh he speaks of.

So what about the heart? The heart expresses our desires. Those desires, unchecked by the Spirit and allowed to be corrupted by the flesh, can and do lead us into sin. So the heart becomes the target of our harsh attempts to get our sin and woundedness under control. Ladies and gentlemen, we have picked the wrong target.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. ~Proverbs 4:23

...For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. The good person out of his good treasure brings forth good... ~ Matthew 12: 34-35

We should be protecting our hearts. It is not just about trying to avoid the evil in this world, though we are commanded to flee from it. It is about actively caring for our hearts and caring for the hearts of those around us. ABOVE ALL ELSE! Truely when was the last time you paid even minimal attention to your heart? When was the last time you let your whole guard down with someone? When was the last time you did something you really enjoy without feeling guilty or selfish for taking time for yourself?

The heart is the source of life. Remember that person who won't let you even get close to what is going on? Most the time, they don't either. They are busy, but they are not alive. The heart is covered over, blocked off, and they don't really want to go there after years of neglect.

A friend, was having a stressful week. I asked her if she had taken time for her heart. She said that if she did, she would get nothing done. Here is what I am coming to understand, when we take time to care for our hearts, letting God heal wounds, and understanding the desires of the heart, we find joy. And all that energy we spend trying to keep our hearts hidden, is now available to be poured out. We really live and not just do.

There is a reason God says, above all else. Our hearts are the source of life. The first person we need to be honest with about the condition of our hearts is God. He does already know our hearts completely, but we don't always trust what He is doing in our hearts, unless we are laid bare for Him to work and heal us.

So why be vulnerable with others? It is about giving life to others. If you are anything like me, I was waiting for permission to be real with someone. It showed me the truth and a truely good desire, to know my heart is valuable.

With the power of God's redeeming love, I share my story. I know it is important, because it shows God's love and work in my life to others. Just being me, not doing anything, shows my value to God's kindgom.

So why is it so hard? Well, my friends, we are at war and the enemy aims for the source of passion and desire, our hearts. Don't have a clue what I am talking about? As Christians, we are citizens of God's kingdom. Before we knew His salvation,we were members of another kindgom. The prince of this world, Satan, will do whatever he can from us joining God's kingdom or from understanding the power of being a citizen of God's kingdom. Satan aims for the heart because once that is taken out we don't have the will or desire to fight. He will tell us we are good enough and don't need God before we accept Christ, and will then tell us that we are not good enough once we do. So the devil will try to get us caught in sin, believing our hearts are no good, or he will wound us, most often by the people closest to us, to keep us from wanting to live from our hearts. So what do we do?

We fight with the weapons God has given us. We fight with the Truth of God's Word. We pray for the Spirit to reveal the Truth. We choose to lay down everything, every excuse, every sin, every wound before God. Let Him speak the truth to your heart. He is far kinder to our hearts than we ever are. We wonder why it is so easy to wander away from God's love. I think we often don't let God go to the depths of His love that Paul talks about in Ephesians 3. The love that surpassing understanding, the love that when we let it, completes us. When we know this is the way God loves us, lavishing us with mercy and grace, we are drawn ever closer to Him.

We also know when someone hurts us, for those who are Christians, that their hearts are good. It is unlikely what they did was intentional, and even if it was, it was most likely a response to being under attack. (When I speak of being attacked, I am referring to when fear of what ever hurts us the most, overwhelming us) We also know we should be caring for others hearts. That when we are vulnerable with one another, we look out for ways that we could wound someone in the same ways they have been wounded before, we invite and encourage them to do things that will be be good for their hearts, and we pray for them intensely.

Friends, lay yourself and and heart before God. If life flows from our hearts, we desperately need God to hold our hearts. Know you are deeply loved and have a value that reaches far beyond what you do. You are His.

Give Me Jesus

I don't know if I have the words, or even the strength to write this whole post the way I want to. Bear with me, as I pray my way through this one...

Every few minutes of the last few days, I feel like I keep asking myself, "Is Jesus enough?" I'm confused about the direction God is leading. I have watched people I know and heard about others who are walking through pain, who are dealing with disappointment, and who are just as confused, if not more confused, than I am. It has put faces to the suffering and to those who are poor in spirit, and I am so helpless to do anything. God is telling me to rest in Him, when all I want to do is to fix things. Fix me, fix situations, solve the problems... How Jesus?

And right now... I do know my Savior is with me. Yet there are tears... and anger... and disappointment... and confusion... And there is His presence... His affection... His joy... and His love...

When it comes to crises or events that upset us, this I have learned; you can have God or you can have understanding. Sometimes you can have both. But if you insist on understanding, if often doesn't come. And that can create distance between you and God, because you are upset and demanding and an explanation isn't coming and so you withdraw a bit from God and lose the grace God is giving. He doesn't explain everything, but He always offers us Himself. ~ John Eldredge

At some point, I may get an explanation. I'm looking at God right now and wanting to ask "Why?" to so many things. I want an answer. I want a solution. This is where God has taken me.

This is what the LORD says: "Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom or the strong man boast of his strength or the rich man boast of his riches, but let him who boasts boast about this: that he understands and knows me, that I am the LORD, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight," declares the LORD. ~Jeremiah 9:23-24

so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. ~ Ephesians 3:17-19

But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. ~ 2Corinthians 3:16-18

Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised. ~ Romans 4:20-21

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. ~ Ecclesiastes 3:11-13

I could have all the world, every explanation and not have what I need...

Give me Jesus

p.s. Stay tuned for a post about why you should take care of your heart...

Back at the Keyboard

Chicago was the amazing experience that I thought it would be. It was so eye-opening and humbling. We got to explore the city by foot and CTA, enjoying some of the sites. But our purpose was to work along side a couple of organizations that help those in poverty and homeless.

We had noble intentions, but as the week went on, we found that it didn't seem like we were doing much. Yet, in sharing together before we left for home, we concluded that we did the things that can't get done without the help of volunteers. Those who work full-time with these organizations are overloaded as is. Picking up trash, sorting papers, sorting clothes, fixing bunkbeds, and handing out fliers were simple tasks but they were so thankful. Some of the residents of the homeless shelter wondered what a group of college students were doing in Chicago instead of Florida.

Inner-city Chicago is not a place where I felt comfortable. I was more focused on my weaknesses than leaning on Jesus. The question came to mind; why me? Why do I get to enjoy the comfortable life I do?

The other question I have been processing in the last 24 hours is why does God love me so much? He saves me, but more than that He adopts me, calls me His, and is infinitely patient (okay this is the miniscule short list). I can do nothing, to earn or deserve any of this love or any of my circumstances. Sigh... I need to mull this over... so enjoy some pictures

CHICAGO!

Well at 8 am tomorrow, 25 of us will head from the windswept prairies to the big city of Chicago. Believe me when I say for some it will be quite the culture shock (When asked why we were going to Chicago for spring break, our fearless leader answered, "Because it will be good for you.")

I am very excited! The road trips are amazing times of bonding and Oh the stories that will come of it. But more important is the call to serve.

We like being called servants, but this trip is going to show how willing we are to be treated as servants. Yes, we have a group composed mainly of hard-working farm kids. It is second nature to most to lend a hand. But we want to follow God's leading to lay down our lives to serve. We're asking God for big, impossible things. So may we set ourselves aside so that Christ may be seen more clearly.

When God Writes Your Life Story

The last entry, the quotes I referenced were from Waking the Dead by John Eldredge. Great book. I am re-reading another book of his, Walking with God, at the same time. The combination of the two, has been rocking my world in an incredibly good way. I am finding what it means to walk intimately with God, following His leading and recieving the life only He offers.

There are things I really thought I wanted but would never have. I believed that in service to God, I had to completely give up my desire for those things to be holy. The truth is, as I have learned to allow those dreams and desires and then turn those back over to God for Him, I see Him meeting some of those things. And now they are like gifts I am receiving, instead of things I had to take.
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I'm not such a wimp to admit that I had to give up a crush on a Godly, young man in my life. As a couple of friends shared a few things with me, I realized, there is much I admire deeply about him, but it was dangerous to my heart to not hold even our friendship with a very open hand.

My friend K, and I are both walking this road of not letting the fear of impending changes (her moving away) keep us from still investing deeply with one another. Believe me, we stink sometimes at not stepping on each others toes or out right hurting one another. I thank Jesus for the grace He is pouring out and for the desire He has put on our hearts that this type of friendship and community should be the norm in the body of Christ and not the exception.
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And then there are those desires that seem childish or selfish, but are really childlike and full of life. Follow me for a second. I have wanted a new acoustic guitar for a couple of years now. I love my starter pack Fender G8, but the more I play, the more I would like a guitar with a smaller body (I'm not a big person 5'4", 120) so that it is easier and more enjoyable to play. I also wanted to get an electric acoustic on the chance, that I would actually do more playing publically and need to have the capability to plug in.

Well, I prayed about the guitar for a while. And the answer I got was: "Delight yourself in Me and I will give you the desires of your heart." So was that a "Yes" or a "No?" To which God replied, "Wait." As I have been waiting on God (and my tax return) I have seen how this is a gift of life to me from my loving Heavenly Father. I never had to strive to earn this guitar. I submitted the desire to God and watched how majestically He cultivated the desire and orchestrated the circumstances to allow me to make the purchase, which I will do Saturday!
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So in some of my desires God has said no, and in not fighting Him for control, He satisfies my heart, which brings me life. And in others He has said yes, but kept my heart in a place where I am not the one making the answer happen, but joyfully receiving life.

As I was feeling very discouraged the other day, I was praying and asking God what was up, He asked me, "what are you holding on to?" As I thought about it, I replied, "My life." What does that bring when you are holding on to your own life? "Death."

When I place my life in my own hands I find death, but whe I place my life in His hands, I find the abundant life He gives

Chewing on This

"There is a glory to your life that your Enemy fears, and he is hell-bent on destroying that glory before you act on it."

My heart is with you to take the territory of your heart back. Keep building the wall.

"It is an akward thing to shimmer when everyone else is not, to walk in your glory with an unveiled face when everyone else is veiling his."

But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. And we who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. 2 Corinthians 3:16-18

Shaken Not Stirred

It has been a long 24 hours. And it would take forever to explain the whole context of what is going on. I will preface with this: God is a Rock and my Refuge, I will not be greatly shaken. Yet I have been wondering if the ground will stop moving. It will not because God has placed Joel 3:9-10 directly in my path:

Proclaim this among the nations: Consecrate for war; stir up the mighty men. Let all men of war draw near; let them come up. Beat your plowshares into swords, and your prunning hooks into spears; let the weak say, "I am a warrior."

I thought I was shaken by what happened last night, but I am beginning to realize it is actually God stirring me up.

Pieces of the Week

Since I struggle to blog consistently because I never really know what to write or never think its good enough to publish, this is what you get from me this week. Pieces of what happened, pieces of what I learned, just pieces. See if you can put together what my week was like.

"We worship Whom we trust, and we trust Whom we know." David Jeremiah

I parked myself on a rock at Falls park and read, journaled and cried.

Actually went to four different places and online for a new acoustic guitar. Think I may have found one. Should I pull the trigger?

Helped pull off a surprise birthday/bon voyage party for my friend H. Chinese food, cake, Signs, Nicknames, and lots of laughs.

Prayed. Alot. For KG, MD, AG, KF, GP, JW, AZ, AE, AS, NG, MDCK, SDSU.

Read in Deuteronomy, Judges, 1 Samuel, Joshua, and John.

Got less sleep then I should have.

Thought I forgot my wallet, drove all the way home to find it in my purse, which I had already looked through twice.

Rest or Hit the Wall

People pleasing. A habit that has left me on the floor more times than I would like to admit. I know Paul talks about being all things to all people, but I know he sure wasn't a people pleaser.

In God, I am finding my Hiding Place when the world around me is demanding every last bit of strength. My friends, E, L, and K (I laughed when I realized their initials spell ELK) are like a People Pleasing Anonymous group. Together we are learning to rest in God and not in our performances. When one person feels like they are going down, a text or a phone call goes out and the rest of us hit our knees and fight.

All of us long for relationships where we can be vulnerable and still feel safe. K. mentioned that only when we can first be absolutely vulnerable and laid bare before God can we begin to be that kind of vulerable and real with people.

I praise God that I have these three women with whom I can be honest and know that they fight for my heart before God. More than that I praise God that I can come before Him, a perfect, Holy God, with my scarred and sinful self and find unconditional love. Praise Jesus!

Terrified

I am not bold. I am not courageous. I am quite frankly a wimp.

I have lived with a motto: "Let your actions speak louder than your words." Okay what do I do when I sense God is urging me to speak more. How are people supposed to understand why I do things, if I never tell them?

Why? Why am I so afraid to identify myself with Jesus?

Please Move

I have hesitated to reveal my location to the world on my blog, but I'm sending out a major prayer request and I want people to be able to pray specifically for South Dakota State University. I love my campus and have been joining with a few of my fellow students to pray for God to be glorified here since last summer.

It has been an amazing journey to watch God at work in the lives of so many. We have seen people come to know Jesus, we have seen a revival in the hearts and lives of believers, we have seen various campus ministries come together to serve one another and the community, and we have also seen opposition from the Enemy.

Now I sit here in the first full week of the new semester, praying and seeking what is next. I never intended on still being here this year. I earned my BS in December 2007. I thought I would be out with a full-time teaching job. God had other plans.

He kept asking me to pray for SDSU and to seek His heart. I was student teaching but I still attended Navs functions. I met and started to get to know some amazing freshmen and sophomore women. I began to think that God was not done with me yet at SDSU. Shortly after, my advisor came to supervise me in the field and she offered me a graduate assistantship with her starting in January 2008 and the opportunity to stay and pursue my master's degree.

Now here I am a year later. He's still asking me to pray. In this part of the country, like some others, we have people that believe in God and go to Church, but they don't know God. More than that, there is brokeness and darkness. It shows up as driveness, depression, partying, indifference, and anger.

God continues to plant me here. My plans have changed so that I am staying a semester longer than I planned. The blessing is that, this forces me to spread out some of my coursework. I am still on campus, still have a stable job, and mostly this gives me more discretionary time. Yes, time to pray, time to meet and encourage young women, and time to build relationships with my co-workers and students.

I'm asking you to pray for SDSU, but if there is a college or university in your own community, pray for them. College is a strategic time in sharing the gospel. Young people are figuring out what they want their lives to be about on their own for the first, there is an openess that doesn't exist in K-12 schools, and we are truely in desperate times with people looking for hope. Pray for those who lead campus ministries, pray for believing students as they grow in knowledge and trust, and as they interact with non-believers, pray for believing faculty and staff, pray for the lost, pray for God to be glorified.

MC

Absolute Zero

It was -29 this morning when I headed to campus this morning. Can you say frozen tundra? Thank God my car started this morning. I gave my roommate a ride to work cause her car wouldn't start, and then gave a friend a ride to campus from the coffeeshop because her car wouldn't start either.

I have a love/hate relationship with having to make decisions. I will be delaying graduating until May 2010. Part of me wants to get on with life, but the reality is there is less likelihood of finding a permanent job in January and I get the sense that God is not done with me on campus yet. I feel a burden lifted in making the decision, and am trusting God with the unknowns that have caused me to hesitate.

Had

I don't want to go here, because I am afraid. I don't really know who or if anyone reads my blog. But I will put this out there with the prayer that the person who needs it, may stumble upon it. The basis for this post is from Beth Moore's book, "When Godly People Do Ungodly Things."

Hi, my name is HAD. I can tell that some of you know how I got that name. Some of you may also feel a little nervous. "She isn't going to go there is she? I have been trying to stay in hiding. Why the heck is she bringing this up."

For me, I got the name before I ever came to know Jesus. The thing is, it has stuck with me. Ones who were closest to me, whom I was supposed to be able to trust, pointed me down a road that looked good and like freedom. It was all an illusion. The shackles were locked on. I was HAD.

Jesus came into the picture a few years later. He said,"Follow Me." I knew enough to know that I was going no where. So I agreed. But then He started asking me to do things and go places that I downright thought would kill me. You see, He wanted to take me back to where I was HAD.

I thought that if I followed Him, He would lead me away from those things. Out of sight, out of mind. Just help me be good. He knew I was HAD and HAD needed to go back with HIM, to find HEALING. Without healing, I was still just HAD.

Don't get me wrong, I messed up big time. I was not innocent. I liked my own way, but He showed me it didn't wo rk. His way is the way of love and restoration. To walk down that way, He first, needed to take me back to show the difference between the truth and lies, between trust in myself and trust in HIM.

So what is left after the journey back. Forward momentum. No pride in myself to make things work, and the first steps of walking away from the other name HAD acquired: VICTIM. That is the healing. Just as He took away the guilt and stain of my mistakes in forgiving me, I am learning to walk away from blaming others. Even those who hurt me the most.

I was HAD. Now I am HIS, BELOVED.

Going back into our worst mistakes is hard. I will not deny that in anyway, but it brings so much freedom and joy. God asks us to be real with Him. Not to cover up our guilt and shame with good works, but to let Him take us to His heart of love and forgiveness. (2 Corinthians 5:14-21) We cannot justify ourselves. In accepting Jesus' sacrifice for our sins, our mistakes,we are justified. And just as the Father in the parable of the Prodigal Son comes running, so our Heavenly Father comes running for us, to embrace us and to celebrate that we have come back to Him. (Luke 15:11-32)

MC

Not Me! Monday

This week with travel did not allow for blogging, but I will deny doing any of the following things

• While on the road options are limited when traveling with 45 people on a bus for eating. Lots of fast food. So you did not see me heading into Taco Johns on Sunday after we got back. I love to cook and was in my kitchen.

• We found out that we had a roommate from another school. We did not all laugh and debate who would sleep with our mystery roommate. Especially, since the name on the door was Ryan. We were not relieved to find out that Ryan is a wonderful young woman.

• I did not think about purposely kicking my friend K, when she started snoring, while sleeping next to me. I also did not giggle alittle when another night she turned over and laughed in her sleep. I totally did not just share that. I would never embarrass my friends.

So I Took a Bus to Colorado...

I spent this week in Colorado at Glen Eyrie for a conference with the Navigators. 47 students from colleges in my region joined together to charter a bus to make it a very affordable trip. Here are the 8 of us from my school during a pit stop.
I had never been to the Glen before. The Navigators purchased the property for their headquarters in the 1950's. The scenery was breath taking. We didn't get much free time to explore, but the beauty plus unseasonably warm weather made for an amazing time with God on Thursday afternoon.

The purpose of the conference was to do two things: share about EDGE Corps and other ministry opportunities with the Navs, but mostly to cast a vision for living out the Great Commission in all of life. I have wrestled alot with what God is calling me to do once I graduate in December. I love teaching and want to be a Godly influence in public schools, and I have a passion to see the gospel shared and lived on college campuses. What God is speaking to my heart is that He will bless me as I pour my life out for Him no matter what arena I end up in. In all reality, I know there is a possibility of teaching and volunteering with a college ministry.

These signs were up all over the grounds at the Glen. This one in particular spoke volumes to me. The staff challenged us to write out an "Impossible" list of things that we thought to be impossible. That scared me. It scares me to hope that God could do those things, but in His sovereignty He could choose not to. It is easier not to hope. As I was walking up to the first meeting Thursday morning, I asked God if He was protecting my heart as He asked me to hope. He simply said yes. Then in the meeting we were studying some passages on trusting God and in Mark 4: 35-41, the disciples found themselves asking Jesus the same question I had, "Do you care?"

They are on a boat when a storm comes up. Jesus is asleep after a long day of teaching. They come to Him in desperation because they are taking on water. After reading and talking, we started to see these fisherman might have been trying to prove they could handle the storm on their own and instead of asking Jesus before things looked dire, they waited until they questioned if He even cared.

I am searching out scripture that reveals God's heart. A heart that I can trust.

One of the craziest things about the trip is that the conference was held in a CASTLE! It was like a fairy tale.
Oh, and it was snowing as we loaded up to leave.

Not Me! Monday

Well here are all the things I may have actually done in the last couple of weeks, but I well I'm claiming temporary insanity. Join the rest of us in therapy at www.mycharmingkids.net.

• I did not drive 130 miles through blowing snow and a no travel advisory. Once again, I know better than to risk my life for the sake of making it home for Christmas.
• I am not the type of person who sleeps grief. Therefore I did not purposely sleep the whole way up and back from my great-grandma's funeral.
• I have not gone alittle over the top in the kitchen this week (Considering the fact I am single and my roommate was gone) and cook soup for 16, make french toast, and bake brownies and a pie (It certainly was not pumpkin pie).
• New Years Day was not spent until 4 pm in pajamas. My friend and I did not work on a puzzle for 4 hours, watch TV, and laugh at her dog Jack's strange antics.
• I was not totally impressed that my brother kept his feelings to himself about my school beating his alma mater in basketball until after he went to go hang out with his girlfriend after the game.
• I did not contemplate how I could steal my brother's Wii. After all, I have much better things to do than to play video games.

A Little Bit of Cynicism and a Prayer

It didn't take long. The new wave of horror films are on their way. As soon as 2009 has hit, the trailers for these movies hit the airwaves. Why am I mentioning this? I hate scary movies. I figure reality is bad enough, why add any more fuel to my anxious mind.

"The Dark Knight" in particular struck a chord with me. I went with my roommate and I sat in shock. I don't get how people can make evil funny. But this is what I took away from this movie. I hate to say this but, I wonder if Heath Ledger's death was not accidental. He may have entered too deeply into the evil and hopelessness of his character as the Joker.

So some of this comes because I have been stuck inside once again for most of the day. I can only take so much before I start going stir crazy.

I have been praying alot the last couple of days. I have also been reading people's blogs and Facebook profiles about resolutions for 2009. So many have mentioned, being in the Word and growing closer with Jesus. I am with them. I have a friend who is spending hours (yes, hours) with God and still is so hungry for Him. It is my desire, no my need, to have that kind of relationship with my Savior. This friend is also one of the busiest people I know. She has her priorities better set than I do. I pray that not only will God grant my prayer for time with Him, but also for even more hunger. I am so thankful that source I am feeding on never runs dry.

My prayer is not only for me but for my brothers and sisters in Christ. May the God of the Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation that you may know Him better (Ephesians 1:17).

I want to thank K for inspiring and encouraging me with her faith. We would all be better off for seeking His face more.

Love and prayers,

MC