Just Write: Marriage

Go:

I wear a ring.  I used to wear it on the left hand but due to constant questions from my students (Teacher, you married?) and God speaking to me about my authority in Christ (a signet ring is worn typically on the right hand) I moved the ring to my right hand.

On it, it says, "I am my beloved's.  My beloved is mine"

Now I assume that most people who pick out this ring, it is symbolizing purity and commitment to a future spouse.  A marriage.

I want to marry.  I want to have a covenant marriage, one that is committed to the vows spoken from the beginning.  I've seen glimpses of this kind of marriage as I have watch friend after friend join together with another.

But what captures my attention about marriage is the relationship between the Bride, the Church, and the Bridegroom, Jesus.  A pastor, spoke that being Holy, means there is a respectful distance between God and man.  But the more I study scripture and Jesus' words, I am more fully convinced that being made Holy as the Bride of Christ is about being drawn more and more into covenant intimacy with Jesus.  That Holiness means there is less and less distance between God and fallen man.

I suppose that is the marriage I dream of more, than the marriage that doesn't go into the resurrection.

Stop

Longer than 5 minutes today but I couldn't stop

Ready, Set...NO!!!

I'm quickly approaching the end of my time in South Korea.  Like 3 weeks.

The three months between June and August were spent clinging to a spiritual piece of driftwood.  And while it did cross my mind to not return after vacation; And I was ready to pack it in and shut down after that:

God is bringing life and restoration again.

And where I was standing on the start line for the next season so ready to just go...

Now, I'm not ready to leave.  My heart has found a kind of home here.  Maybe chalk all of this up to sentimentality, but as I reflect, I knew even in the worst of things, my heart was set to see what God had for me here.  I was never ready to quit.

So where I am now is seeing life coming, the growth coming from the investment and labor made.

And as much as I would love to share that daily with my students and with the dear friends of the community I have found here, it is time to move forward.  But as God reminded me, I will always carry this place, these people, this year of training with me.

Forever changed.

Ready... Set...

The First Chapter

I admitted it to my co-workers; I had gotten lazy in my preparation for and expectations in the classroom.  I had stopped expecting as much of my students calling it good enough if we got through the material without checking to make sure that there was understanding and learning going on.

Truth be told, I got beat up by a negative environment prior to their arrival replacing teachers leaving.  Their new energy kicked me in the butt and I realized that even with only one month left in my term, I want to and need to keep going.

Growing means that I don't get to just survive, just make sure things are gone over and covered.  There must be understanding and learning.  It may be difficult.  I may want to whine just as much as my students do when I ask them to write sentences to show me if they really understand the grammar and vocabulary we just covered, but to do it anyway.

I thought I had the trust and courage thing covered after coming to Korea.  Apparently, that was just the first chapter of the book... so much more growing.
STOP

This is my (almost) weekly post for five minute friday @ the gypsymama.  Join me and others for 5 minutes of unedited writing.

Callouses

Honest.

Living in Korea has been the greatest challenge and sweetest reward.

And as my thoughts and momentum turn toward leaving, I'm a jumble of emotions and thoughts.

I needed Korea, and though I can't say that Korea really needed me, I can say that the city where I live has a story that mirrors mine in so many ways.  So if I hurt, I wonder how the people of this city hurt too.  Where have they put up defenses that block out a part of the pain but also hold out against redemption.

I am a part of the most imperfect church.  I had heard rumors of people like this and of problems like this church has, but now I have lived in it.  And I still love this church.  I love the people.  They want to be the life raft for the waves that come from being a foreigner in a foreign land.

For all the places I have let walls down.  I think I have become calloused.

How can I tell?

As God tenderizes me again.

I'm actually consistently cracking open my Bible again...and I could feel my surprise at how it was coming to life and being refreshing.  And I'm the one who for years was lauded for always being in the word.  But my consistency slipped in pride.  I let myself be "busy" with other things even when I have had more free time now than ever in the past.

I'm praying and asking God to speak to my heart, and I am getting impressions after a few months where I didn't seek much, didn't open up my heart before and therefore wasn't hearing much.

Even these places where I had become tough were necessary.  Yes, I want to be pliable and tender to God, but time passes and I am gently reminded that God is always faithful.    This year has been training and I am in the homestretch.  The next few weeks pointed towards Jesus, and knowing how much I need and want Him, that my ONE thing is to go after Him.

Day 7: Write a blog to encourage a beautiful woman

What the world did you get yourself into?


Seriously...


Friend, you walked into the point of my life where I was in need of a heart friend.  Someone I could be me with.  Someone who cared enough to tell me like it is.  Someone with whom, just about any subject could be discussed.

Kristi is awesome.   She's the person who you call when you want a travel buddy, and the person you call when you need a beer after a long day.  She gives selflessly.  She makes me laugh.  She has courage that I admire.  She is beautiful.

We've had some of the best conversations on buses, over coffee, on the phone after a long day.  In a land where saving face is important, I don't have to save face with Kristi.  She knows that life comes with the kinds of broken heartedness, that needs of vulnerability to let healing happen.

And I write this knowing that my beautiful friend seems to find herself in second place perpetually.  So this is for her than for anyone else who may read this:

Kristi, you are the most kind and generous person I know.  You are Ruth of the Bible, in how you serve and love people.  Don't shrug off others' kinds words for you.  They are true.  Never apologize for who you are.  Who you are gives life to others.  Who you are is a masterpiece.  Who you are is the apple of His eye.

My Joy

Five minute Friday at GypsyMama.  This week in honor of a women I've never met in the flesh but who has spurred me and others on.  To GitzenGirl.

JOY!

I ran.  No shoes.  Hands still flecked with paint.  Down the granite stairs, trying not to slide in socks.

I stood jumping up and down in front of an office door.  I had to tell someone!

"I got the job!  I'm going to Korea!"

While in that moment, I was elated beyond words, it wasn't that moment that overwhelmed me.  It was all the moments of pain in the previous 10 months, when this seemed like an impossibility for multiple reasons.   Money, family support, timing, health, paperwork.  Each one, God stayed steady and I kept walking forward.  Tears that streamed my face seemed such a distance memory.

I chose to trust.  I chose to believe.  I chose joy.

Whether I had ever made it here or not, I knew the joy that went beyond my circumstances or understanding. Even, if I was still deeper in debt and without a job, accused, out of sync, or barely able to walk:

There is always joy.

It was God.  My joy.  The joy that never left or faded.  Constant.  Faithful.

Set My Heart

This God I am encountering is magnificent.

Far to often He is met with my indifference.  I want to want more of Him.  I want to experience who He is.  Yet, I hold back.  Where life is continually intense in one way or another, I make my excuses and I shrink back.

This is my wrestling in a season where honestly, I think I realize the desperate nature of the situation but I'm still trying to breathe with my head underwater.

I get pieces of what God is doing.  Tokens, words, breadcrumbs leading me forward.  I'm stubborn so I keep up the trail.  But I go back to the word a friend gave that, it is like I am riding a bike uphill through mud. Jesus is calling for me to stop.  There isn't endless work for just breadcrumbs,  not when God calls me to come to Him with those pieces.

I'm working out my salvation.  I want sanctification by the grace of Jesus.  I'm doing what I know to do to cultivate desire for Jesus.

The very first words the Holy Spirit spoke to me were: "Come follow me"

There were no holes for me to slip away into.  Only to follow Him.  Not religion.  Follow Him.  Not a great pastor or teacher.  Follow Him.  Not my own constructions of what it means to follow God.  But to be weak, listen in desperation and Follow Him.

In following Him, becoming one with God as Jesus and the Father, and the Spirit are one.

Yes, He's got to come closer no matter how much I flinch as His glory and holiness, and righteousness touch my life.

The musings of my heart in prayer:

Lord what do all these examples of gates and walls mean?

Keep looking at Israel coming back to Jerusalem.

I had studied Nehemiah before which was about the rebuilding of the wall around Jerusalem.  But now I am  into Zechariah, which is before Nehemiah and at the time that they are preparing to rebuild the temple.  Through the visions that God gives to Zechariah, He is promising the rebuilding and restoration, but there is also a call to set their hearts on worshiping God.  Not just in the restoration of the temple and the practices there, but to humble their hearts and live out the first commandment.

Rebuilding and restoration comes first at the heart.  I truly believe, God has restored and rebuilt my heart in  His glory and grace.  But I can tell from my actions and inactions that there are hindrances to living out the first commandment to love the Lord with all of myself.  I need God to rebuild the wall.  To reset the gates. Because there are breaches where the Enemy moves freely in and out.  Compromises and attachments that have turned into idolatry.

God I want to fast, and maybe try a Daniel fast.

A few hours later I turn on the International House of Prayer webstream for their weekend service.  They are preparing for a 21 day Daniel fast.  So, I'm setting myself to join them.  Lord prepare my heart for that one.

Just Write: Sweet

The sweetest things in my day.

The little fuzzball I am watching for a friend for the weekend.

Ella, the student, whose smile and joy are matchless; and a perfect greeting before my last class of the day.

The lady at the restaurant offering us forks even though, chopsticks are the best utensil ever.

Crossing one HUGE thing off my to-do list.

The scripture that hits my spirit like a ton of bricks, but settles me where I had been anxious.

The moments when I quiet myself, and God wraps me up in His presence, like the best hug ever.

Sweet...

Not Today

I know there are profound things stirring under the surface in me.  They are profound simply because God is profound and revealing more of Himself...  That is His kindness.

It is also His kindness to let these things be just out of my understanding, that I would seek and desire Him more.  Jesus is drawing me closer.   It is good.

I want to share these things.  I want to speak of the joy that is growing, the beauty coming from the ashes, and the dreams He's given me...

Not today...

Rest

Five minute Friday with The Gypsy Mama and others for 5 minutes of unedited writing.

Rest.  Stop.  Pause.  Break.  Breath.  Still.

The frenetic pace has worn me thin.  Some days it takes all I am just to stay on my feet.  But for all the days where it seems like stopping seems impossible without crashing, there is a simple and neglected command.

Rest.

Don't pick up that stack of papers to grade.  Don't head to the bus stop to travel here or there on errands.  Don't even study.

Set against the ever grinding flow.  Find that place where Shalom peace in the presence of God is reality and not a ever present wish not come true.

Where being is far more important than doing.   And there is actually trust that everything that needs to get done will get done, even if it can't be done today.

Love Came Down

Whether good days or bad days, I am Yours.

In the bad, it is the moments of worship, knowing that You conquered death.  You came to rescue me from sin and its wages of death.  That in the silence, You are everything.  You are the I AM even when I am shaking in sin or hardship.

In the good, it is the moments of worship, knowing that I deserve nothing, but You give Your riches of grace anyway.  The humility it takes to know that You are enough even when worldly abundance may blind me.  That even in the joy of seeing promises fulfilled, there is no way to ever separate the blessing from Creator.  You are where I hide, celebrating every bit of joy with You.

I am Yours, I'm Yours, forever.

Yours.  Forever.

Because Love came down.



This is a new favorite song and I really love this slowed down acoustic version.