God is Sufficient

The words in this email were hard to swallow then, and even reading it again now made me squirm alittle.

it's easy to miss the bigger lesson: that Jesus wants to be your all in all. I'm glad that to some degree God is meeting your needs through other relationships. Reality is, though, they will fail you as well, and while I'm tempted to say that's sad, really it's not.

My biggest idols are relationships. As God was tearing down one idol, I was getting ready to set up others. Even though the new relationships were far healthier than the old, I would put them in the place of God. And that was no better for my healing, wounded heart than to set myself up to be torn apart when those new idols would eventually crumble under the weight of my unrealistic expectations.

It is meant to keep God . . . God, and our idols of relationships in place. It's really a good thing when human systems let us down, even though it hurts. I know you know this, but we need to remind each other.

And I'm still guilty of putting people in the place of Jesus. Usually now though, I listen well enough to hear Him whisper to bring my heart back to Him before I really get into deep trouble.

Admittedly, my heart heart has betrayed me deeply in the last few days. I'm seeing relationships pop up that appear to be able to fill this deep ache that I have been feeling. It is taking about all I have to bring my heart back to God. To trust that He alone is sufficient to fill this heart. He is jealous for me and my deepest affections are to belong to Him.

And in God's amazing ways, when people are people, and not idols, God is the supplier of an outpouring of love for them. Even though they fail me, they are not what I am relying on to hold me up.

(This is a continuation of entries that are inspired by a series of emails)

I am standing by you, the real you, the redeemed you, the YOU that God wants to bring about, the YOU complete with your whole story but you're right, I won't cheer on the angry little girl except to say that her anger makes perfect sense to me, and I want to see her let go of it so she is no longer in prison. January 12, 2007

Forgiveness. Jesus tells us to forgive. But we've been wronged and we want justice. We want to know that what happened was real and we are justified in our anger.

But the anger we hold onto, holding the offense against our offender, without knowing when it happens, we end up with shackles on. By hanging on to our anger, we are actually enslaved to our anger.

Until, I realized that letting go would set me free, I felt like I was living life in a straight jacket. I forgave and the chains fell off. I was able to move on even though my offender has not repented. I thought in forgiving that he would get the upperhand on me, but instead in forgiving I got my life back. I could finally move forward.

The angry little girl walked out of that horrible, dispicable prision and began to breathe the fresh air of freedom, becoming the woman that God intended her to be.

Testify from the Beginning

Today, I went back through a series of emails dating back to December of 2006. I keep them not because of who sent them, but because they contain words of truth and now as sort back through them they read as the testimony of what God has done. So I will be sharing some from those emails.

The more freedom you taste, the less appealing being a victim will seem...ask Him to show you how He was there, and wait quietly. Then ask Him what He would have said, and wait quietly. Be prepared to weep; He may break your heart with kindness...Your (may I say it? pitiful) efforts at punishing yourself are nowhere near the judgement God will pass on sin; all the while redeeming sinners. I don't understand it; I just know we think we do sometimes so we do our little thing but He wants to do His Big thing -- just in His time, so cast yourself on His fairness, OK? December 2006

I had come to the end of my rope. I was angry, bitter, and broken from my own sin and sin committed against me. I dove headfirst into destructive behavior, but knowing I hated it more than anything. A dear friend offered their home as a retreat to pour my heart out and sort out what steps I needed to take for healing.

I left a note sharing what Jesus spoke to me that day. I was trying to bear the burden of sin committed against me. I believed the lie that I had to because they were not repentent.

I can say now that Jesus has spoken even more into this since. I have come to know in the deepest parts, that what Jesus did on the cross was enough. He will not punish me nor continue to let me punish myself because in His kindness I know that He has defeated sin. So I am a victor not a victim.

And yes, walking back through every hurt and sin often left me weeping, but I will never forget as I prayed seeing a vision of Jesus right next to me, weeping too.