Hold to the plumb line

A focus point or a plumb line word.  That is what One Word 365 is about.

I chose two words this year.

Dream

Burn

I can admit to not pressing into these words as much as I have the past two years' words.  Yet, this year how I look at myself and how I am living are framed by these words.   

I see the fire of devotion.  I see the places of freedom.  Am I there?

No.  But my heart is unlocked in such a way that I can pursue these things more with God.  I have given myself permission to feel and to believe, to own who I am, and to process as seasons change.

Throughout this year,  God has challenged me to look at how I've always done things, the ways I grew up learning to relate with and to the world around me.  I've found the soul numbing mechanisms, the co-dependent chains that have held my heart back from God and held myself back from living the life that I want to with Him

God has shown me more of how my heart is made to live in relationship, in communion with Him.  This is the spark by which I see my passion growing and my heart made alive to dream.  I am beginning to lay a hold of my heart and the life that is devoted to Jesus.

On to 2013...

I Can't Stop the Crashing Waves

The tide was coming in and the waves crashed higher and higher on the rocks. In the handful of times this land locked dweller faced the ocean, fear crept up, drawing breath a little more difficult.

The power of water rushing over rocks, able to move objects as it wished.

And my need to control...had anxiety rising up in my chest.

And then there was my friend, who spoke of the deeper peace she had as she sat near the raging waters.

This was home for her.  Her anxieties calmed in the steady, yet unpredictable coming and going of the waves.

A year later and thousands of miles away, I turned my heart to listen.

Let Me love you.  You fear your imperfections.  So you fight, you strive.  Be still and let my love quiet you.  Let My love quiet you.  Let My love perfect you.

While hearing the sweet, tender voice, I see the raging waters again.  I know then, His love is like the crashing waves.  To let Him love me, to let the waves, powerful and consuming, wash over me.

unfinished

when the flesh you’re in just doesn’t fit quite right

baggy in one place and in another too tight 

together with a gallery peering intently 

for the twist of plot that finally turns towards victory 

the truth is I don’t know where I am or going 

the truth is I sit with them, not the conductor’s seat 

it’s a masterpiece in production 

but for now it’s awkward and undone 

Rage Against Everything

Its a fire inside that quenches the fire I long for.

Like how explosives are used to suck the air out of raging fire so that it can be subdued.

The fire of the Spirit put out by the fire of anger.

It is unrighteous anger, spilling out of my heart and through my lips.  And it is over absolutely stupid stuff... I mean why am I so angry over some inconvenience or request at work?  I work in customer service.

Ready to run someone over or off the road because they happen to get in my way on a rush through traffic...

Eye rolls at ones I really do love but their words hit walls or wounds and I won't have any of it...

Out of the heart the mouth speaks...

Deep in my spirit, broken or messy as it may be, I cry out for more than this life, drowning in my own anger and offense.

Truthfully, my greatest loathing is still for myself.  Living unforgiven, drenched in shame, beyond repair.

Encourage

Settling into my car, I took a deep breath.

I had just been given an inexplicable gift.

While sitting a jotting down some of my thoughts in my favorite local spot, a sister in Christ approached me.  We sat and talked for about 30 minutes.  She listened to the story of my summer.  Disappointments, missteps, and hurdles.

She listened and then spoke life.  She poured courage into my heart to hold onto hope that God is working for me and will change the season in His time.

Walk down the corridor with doors on the right and left.  Each one as before is locked.  Keeping going.  Keep looking to Him. Keep listening to His voice.  He will bring you to the door He wants you to walk through.

With an ailment that was leaving my right I red, I walked to the front of the room to seek out the prayers of others.  As I approached the couple designated to pray, two other Spiritual Mamas descended on me. The four of them laid hands, praying for my eye but also for my heart.

It was a divine embrace.

Hold on to hope.  You will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  He will fight for you.

Notes on a Journey

I'm not one to like sharing the middle of a journey.  Typically, I like to make it to the end and throw out a nice wrapped up package for everyone to see.

I'm sitting in the middle of a journey through studying the book of Song of Solomon.  Initially a somewhat reluctant journey.  One that has had its share of critics and cheerleaders.

SOS has received some poor study in many places in the modern church.  Many have concluded that there is no place for Song of Solomon in the Bible.  Criticized from afar without ever taking the time to wade through admittedly hard language to understand.  There are exceptions of course and I have had awesome input from the studies of Mike Bickle and also Hudson Taylor and Matthew Henry.

So what exactly am I learning from SOS?  Ephesians 5:32

This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

As my heart has become more willing and seeking, I have seen Jesus and the union with the Church that He calls us to.

It is an ever maturing relationship of love. Let Him kiss me we the kisses of His word...

The church comes back into the communion intended with God in the garden.

It's is marked by mutual affection. I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine.

Jesus is the Bridegroom and He is coming back for His Bride.

Again this sort of feels like I'm trying to wrap up weeks of study when I am only halfway through the book. It is full of reading, messy prayers, deciphering language, studying context, more messy prayers, outside encouragement and discouragement, more messy prayers, the worst life losing streak I've encountered yet, and crazy moments where everything makes sense and I KNOW that God loves me.

Holding

Those that hold Christ fast in faith and love will not let Him go;  He shall abide with them.

Matthew Henry

A Beautiful Sound

Like it or not, my life is filled with tension.

As I finished writing that sentence, a picture of a guitar came to mind.  While playing guitar is a stress relief, my thoughts have begun revolving around the tension on the strings.  Out of proper tension, the guitar is out of tune or under too much tension the string snaps.

But in tune, a pluck of a string produces a sweet tone.  All six strings in tune produce an even sweeter harmony.

In life, tension is good.  It isn't always easy to hold in a particular place of tension.  Right now, I know the tension of one string feels out of sorts and out of tune.  I'm holding to a job that isn't going to fully pay the bills within the next two months, I'm trusting God in the waiting to hear back about an interview I had for another job; one that would put me back in a place to be using the education I'm paying for, one working with kids, one that will pay the bills.  Yet, also knowing the job I have now is the perfect place for me to be and is consistent with the prayers that I prayed asking God to put me in a place to love and care for those that are weak and sometimes utterly frustrating but producing integrity and real kindness in me.

So again I pray: Lord my life be in a beautiful tension that is a sweet sound to Your ears.

1700

1700

A slightly random number.

The next person to read my blog will be the 1700th view.  In five years. I know many blogs that get that kind of traffic in a day.

This blog has always been more for me than about broadcasting my own message or agenda.  Yet, as I have watch the stats increase, I'm ever more aware that my words and thoughts are reaching others.

Jesus, as I wrestle and put these thoughts and prayers out for others see, I ask that you mark them with Your love.  I release the kind of peace that surpasses all understanding as so often even as I have written about the struggles I am going though, there is still a peace that rests on me from You that I'm not sure always comes across in my words.  Cultivate a place of closeness with them as You have with me.  Relentlessly pursue them.  Speak to their hearts.  Show them how You delight in them.  Jesus, I look to You.  You are great.  You are worthy of everything!


Amen

Will I?

Wounds still dripping, eyes still burning with tears.

The rational thought is for justice.  To get payment for another's offense.

My mind easily conjures up recompense that doesn't make me like a villain in light of my demand for imminent justice.  I look like the innocent, humble servant.

Soon, I realize the person in my sights is showing signs of the battle.

A fight where no one will be left standing.

But it is less difficult to keep attacking, to keep advancing our place and our name than to see pain reflected in the eyes of our supposed opponent and offer healing instead.

I look at Jesus.  He who humbled Himself, becoming a man and willingly giving up His life to heal the wounds of those who killed Him.

What enabled Jesus, who faced this very temptation of mine, to stand?

The very same Holy Spirit that is in me.  I have the power of the resurrection.

Will I use it?

Will I choose to love?

Will I bring life?

I See You

I sit and unload the burdens and anxieties.  I'm asking for peace after the chaos I just walked out of.

It wasn't just the sheer amount of busyness at work, but rather subtle words and actions that leave me tired and on the verge of exhausted tears.

And His word comes: I see you. 


I breathe in a slow deep breath, taking in His words and letting the Spirit minister to my heart.

A few tears are released as the tension eases.

He sees me and He knows.  He knows my deep, my spirit. So I continue to breathe and find the comfort in the intimate knowledge He has of me.

Hide

"Those who look to the saving God are radiant."

What is the difference between hiding and rejection?

Oh we can hide after being or feeling rejected.  I'm really good at this kind of hiding.  The kind where I don't want to be found.  The kind of hiding where disappearing into the shadows is my solution to eluding the pain.

On a bright sunny day recently, I walked.  I walked and I prayed.  I asked for some kind of answer to the pain that had yet to go away.  I could show anyone the passages in scripture that speak of God's redemption, His healing, His love.  But even in the light of day, darkness was overwhelming me.  So I hid.

In hiding, I try to do things myself.  Things I have no business or ability to do.  Like fix my own computer.  Sitting there staring at my laptop in pieces, I cried, feeling control and my backup plan shatter into pieces.  I knew I could do nothing but more harm if I tried to repair what I had just done.


"Now will you let Me heal you.  On My terms."

This kind of exposure to my helplessness, left me in tears.  I'm learning to hide in God's presence; to let Him heal me, overshadowing me, to make me confident of His love in all circumstances.

It's harder than I would ever like to admit.  I don't really have a clue what I am doing.  I've made more mistakes in this week, sinned more, ran back and forth more, seeking shelter, peace in my own way, even after I had His word and promise. 

To hide in God and not from Him.  It's what I need. 

Worthy

What's a person worth?

The error of that question is to mistakenly think that you can put any kind of numerical value on a person that God has created and called priceless.  In effect putting a price on something that is meant to be prized as priceless has left it vulnerable to becoming worthless.

When a person thinks there is a particular price for their worth, they will live up to their billing, and others will treat them that way.

See how pornography and prostitution has completely destroyed the value of women.

See how materialism has put a higher value on things that won't last than on souls that are eternal.

See how abortion has stolen the lives of the innocent.

I dare say that most of the world lives as though they are worthless.

Satan likes it that way.

He came to steal, kill and destroy.

Only Jesus paid the price to restore all people back to their pricelessness.  The only one Worthy restores our worth.

"You were bought with a price, therefore honor God with you body."


Beloved, see yourself as Jesus sees you.

Blame

She made me do it!

But he (fill in the blank)...

Well, they didn't do their job, so I gonna do this (not to mention tear down their character)...

Casting blame is easy.  Justifying our own sins and actions based on what someone else does.  We do anything to keep the spotlight off of our own hearts of imperfection.

Yes, I do this A LOT!

But how Jesus' words and the Holy Spirit have convicted me of the the words that far too easily spill out of my mouth.  Words I wouldn't dare to day to their face.  Blame.  Rejection. Comparison.

All of it to tear down another person or hide my own flaws and mistakes; to place responsibility on another person for my actions.

It has nothing to do with love.

O how I want to learn to humbly love.

I am. From the Master.  Speaking blessings and not curses.  Praying for a changed heart.  A heart that is secure in His Words about me that it doesn't cross my mind to speak poorly of another.  And I want to be quick to take the weight of my actions, whether they require a quiet humility to accept praise or to humbly repent.

Sparks

A preacher I listen to has said, "Jesus is the only one that the Holy Spirit descended on like a dove.  The rest He has come upon like unquenchable fire."

Picking the word Burn for 2012, I wondered, even prayed that God's fire would hit me and I would have no doubt.

God has touched me and my heart wants to sit with Him, praise Him, obey Him, love Him more now than ever before.  But the fire continually comes against the things that don't last.  Yeah...like sin, like fear.  I know far too often I don't feel the weight of grief Jesus has when I disobey, when I hurt someone else, when I am doing anything that is not about knowing and loving Him more and leading others to know and love Him more.  Yes, tears came, as I knew the words that came from my mouth reflected a heart that wasn't fully in love and therefore, tore down His Children.

Yes...burn is the the fire love of Beloved, but it is also the refining fire.  To burn, means nothing will be left untouched.  My prayer is for my heart to be a pure alter of worship to Jesus.  I don't want to live speaking blessings and curses from the same mouth poured out of the same heart.  I want to live with an undivided and burning heart.

Confessing and Contending

In tears and sorrow; a sorrow that leads to repentance and back to life, I found myself weeping.  Other voices in intercession around me, pleading for the church to commands that God gave us to lead us to life. Not dead works of the letter of the law, but life in becoming obedient to the Spirit of the law written on our hearts.

I confessed my idolatry, bowing to gods of my own creation.  I confessed to profaning the Holy name of Jesus, Yahweh.  Treating Your name as a curse instead of a blessing, and misrepresenting You as I bear Your name.  I confessed to murderous thoughts, knowing I had cursed another human being as I drove to this meeting, knowing far too often what came out of my heart and on to my lips was destructive.  I confessed to my adultery, treating my own body as worthless, my heart ready run rather than stand faithful to Him who loves me and bought me with a price.  I confessed to desecrating the Sabbath, working without rest and refusing to turn to Jesus; failing to trust that He will meet my every need without my toiling in worry and anxiety.

Yes, the look at my own heart showed much darkness.  But Jesus is the light of life and NO darkness can stand against that light!   For the beginning of His kingdom coming is the Bride, the Church exalting His leadership and dominion in our hearts.

Then to hear, that He was pleased, delighted at our labors for the church, for the neighborhood, for the city.  He loves when we the church join with Him in His work, contending for His kingdom.  He poured His lavish grace out on us.

The only response fitting was the cry of Revelation 22: Come Lord Jesus!  Come!  The Spirit and the Bride say Come!

Working

Some would say that there is a dichotomy between bearing the name of Christian and the work that we do, if our job title has nothing to do with Church or Ministry work.

It's a false dichotomy.

Seriously.

For those who bear the name of Christian, ALL is ministry (With the admission that certain illegal and all immoral careers obviously don't fall into this category.)

Yes, Jesus called the 12 away from their careers to follow Him in His public ministry, but my argument is going back to Genesis in the garden of Eden.  Adam and Eve were created to walk with God but they also had the responsibility to steward the Earth.  The effect of the Fall is that man finds work to be painfully unrewarding, as the intimate communion of the Garden was broken.  His work no longer brings joy as when He worked with God.

God's plan of redemption through out history has been to reconcile man to Himself and restore the relationship on all levels.  This plan of redemption also includes God reestablishing His kingdom and dominion on Earth.

God could easily bring His kingdom about by force or coercion.  But He hasn't.  He's done it by love.  Sending His Son Jesus to be the sacrifice for our sin, revealing the love of the Father that would do anything to win the hearts of His image-bearers back to Him.

Not only did the Fall break the relationship between God and man, it also gave dominion to Satan on Earth.  We've been under him ever since.

When God took on humanity, lived the perfect life, died our death and then conquered death, He broke the hold of Satan on humanity.  Satan's kingdom didn't just disappear but now those who trust in Jesus, they are rescued from the Kingdom of Satan into God's Kingdom of Life.  So the Kingdom of God increases with those who turn to trust His leadership, who follow Him with all of their lives and through the work of Holy Spirit bring Jesus' kingdom and life where ever they go and into whatever they do.

As Jesus taught the disciples to pray, "Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven."

Paul also taught the early church to work as though working for the Lord and not for men.  This is what it means to put ourselves under His leadership.  Our intent at work, whatever our job title, is to bring His kingdom and push back the darkness and dominion of Satan.  Love.  Pray.  Work.  Know that you have the opportunity to make His name famous, to influence others to see and meet, and come to to know and trust the King.

We work, in all various fields, giving our best.  We love and care for those we work with and work for.  We strive for excellence and the final approval we look for is God.  We work to catch His attention.  We are faithful in all the little jobs we have to do.  This is the faithfulness and integrity that God looks for.  And we also take part in our call to subdue the Earth, as well as, love our neighbors as ourselves.  These two things done under Jesus' leadership are what push back the kingdom of darkness (For we could do them under our own leadership or the leadership of another and Satan wouldn't budge and inch).

This is the end we work towards because this we're on the way to Eternity.  God will come and finish establishing His kingdom back on Earth, and we want to be found working when He does.

just some sentences

Considering that it doesn't take much to improve on having to wear a uniform that includes a tie and a hairnet, I thoroughly enjoyed the opportunity to really dress up.  My co-worker and friend's wedding dance was a blast and it was a shock for another co-worker to see me in a dress.

Speaking of shock.  M was more surprised that I walked up with a beer in hand.  Typically, I don't drink alcohol, and I go through seasons where God has asked me to abstain, but I am no teetotaler.  Thing is I used to think not drinking made me better than people, then I turned 21 but I didn't know how to drink with a responsibility that I was comfortable with.  I couldn't hang out with people who I wrongly labeled any number of terms, "bad, wrong, immoral, etc..."

I got super uptight.  Time made me realize...the only person that can make me make bad choices: is me.  No one gets to rub off on me unless I let them.  It actually makes me more free to be their friends.  I'm so sorry  if you were someone I didn't get to know because of my fear and insecurity.  Forgive me.  Yes, I'm still going to tell you about Jesus, because I love Him and I want you to love Him too but I'm not pushing an agenda.  I'm gonna be your friend regardless and get to know, understand and love you.

I love working nights...seriously.  I stayed up until 6am after getting off at 3am to chill with Jesus.  The odd hours also give me the opportunity to meet some pretty awesome people.

The Covenant

Jesus, you are committed to Your Bride, the Church, with undying love and ferocity.  Jesus, your covenant was forged with your broken body and signed with your poured out blood.

Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you.  Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day.  For my flesh is true food, and my blood is true drink. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him. John 6:53-56

May Your Bride be purified and drawn with love and desire to your covenant and heart.  May she be one Bride, united and whole, that you died for.  

Sing

No censoring.  Pages of Divine Inspiration in front of me.  A heart that is aching to cry out.

A new song.  

The words never written down on paper but sung and remembered in the heart of Jesus.

Marked for Battle

In the midst of last week, I didn't see it.  Until this afternoon, it didn't occur to me the pattern that was weaving its way in.

The three days as the one in charge.  Those three days included a student melting down on me.

The last one was the most intense.

Yes, I know the target is on me by the Holy Spirit as I have invited Him to transform me by His Light and refine me by His Fire.  He's certainly doing that.  I'll even go so far to say that He allowed the meltdowns to check my heart and turn the heat up.  

On the flip side I am well aware that the hand of the enemy was also on the encounters I had. I won't minimize or overstate what I witnessed.  I say with conviction that what I saw in those children was nothing short of demonic.

How can I say that?

Anger, fear of abandonment, defiance, a young child convinced they are a bad kid.

On two of the three occasions, I had the time and opportunity to speak love and truth into these children.  Oh, what it takes to bring out what a child is actually thinking and gently correct lies they believe.  Being firm that the behavior was inappropriate while affirming that they have dignity and worth.  If only I could have openly prayed over each one.  If only I could have prayed for each of the single mothers (another pattern) these little ones belonged too.

I have wept over their brokenness.  I'm not a saint or perfect.  I lost my temper with one of these children, not coming from love or humility, but frustration and demanding spirit.  Impatiently, I almost rushed off, when a frustrated mother just needed someone to listen.  I leaned on the Holy Spirit for the direction of questions, for the words of affirmation, for the love that overcame my fleshly desire to run from these problems, from the brokenness.

Lord, prepare me.  Give me eyes to see.  Gird me with Your Armor.  Train me to fight for those who can't fight for themselves.

Freedom Looks A Lot Like Slavery

This could go two ways.  I'll go both for the sake of the way my brain processes things anyway.

Take 1:

Demand your rights.  No one can take anything from you or tell you to do anything you don't want to.  You are the keeper of yourself, your body, your life, your stuff.  But how often do we miss the chains that come with this supposed freedom.  Like increasing isolationism, racism, sexism, and most other isms as we hold so tightly to our own rights that we marginalize everyone who is different from us.

Does this sound like freedom to you?

We put chains on others.  We end up still in chains because when we are our own sole advocate, the weight of our actions still comes down on our own heads and we make a lot of noise when some one oppresses us but all it is is a cycle of oppressed:oppressor:repeat.

Freedom = slavery

Take 2:

Lay down your life.  Willingly.  Lay it down in love.  Love for the One who alone stands as the advocate for not only the sins committed against you, but also for the sins you committed against others.  You surrender your right to accuse others and to live offended.  You find forgiveness and the empowerment to pursue righteousness wholeheartedly.

Does this sound like freedom to you?

We take our new found freedom, the forgiveness of sin that only Jesus can give, because He alone is sinless.  Our chains being taken away, we find more freedom and joy in forgiving others, setting them free as we have been set free.  We become slaves to righteousness, sold to the cause of purity of heart, meekness and holiness; to the cause of the kingdom of God.

Freedom = slavery

Bothered: A Post About Oneword 365

Choosing the word Burn for one of my Onewords (yes, have two this year) has proven to be well, ... bothersome.  In a good way, of course.

Why?

Because, wanting to burn, wanting that fire, means I put myself square in the Holy Spirit's cross-hairs.  It is a hot and refining fire.  I'm seeing all of my small compromises.  Oh...no they aren't a BIG deal.  Except they reveal all the little ways I choose to listen to someone or something other than God.

Remembering Jesus' words recorded in Matthew:  When we are faithful with the little, God will give us more.  If I want more, I have to be faithful in the little.

Add on top of this my pastor provoking the church to pray big and then engage with the world around us.  See, I'm good with praying, but fear most of the time keeps me from being the messenger I am called to be.  In essence I hide in prayer instead of praying for God to work and then joining Jesus in working. 

I am so convicted of my own selfishness and pride.  

I hear Jesus calling me to join in His joy by joining Him in the harvest and I'm waving Him off, "I'm praying for workers, Jesus, don't You see?"

"So come speak, come work with Me."

But I don't want to go because, I can feel the darkness in me.  The laziness, the indifference.  So to burn, to be refined AS I pray and cooperate with Jesus.  In the action, He will break the fear, He will break my willingness to choose compromise instead of obedience.

And I will know Him.  I will burn for Him.

The Prayers I Pray

And the answers God gives.

Prayer for an undivided heart....answered with singleness.

Prayer for being in the heart of the city...answered with a request that I move out of my current (free) living situation and finding an apartment literally in the middle of the city.

Prayer for His Kingdom to increase.. answered in being sent into new schools each week where I encounter the greater need of this city to come under His perfect leadership.

Prayer for my family to grow in Jesus...answered with difficult circumstances where Jesus is the Only Thing not shaking.

Prayer for financial provision...answered with two consistent part-time jobs.

Prayer for community...answered with covenant friends, those with whom life is shared, exhortation spoken, and prayer given.

Prayer for the house of prayer to develop in this city and state...answered with the word to watch and wait.


Never unanswered prayers.  My God hears.  My God knows my heart.  He is good and His leadership is perfect.

Jesus, Your kingdom come, Your will be done... Amen

The Voice

Do we share tears with God?  Do we mourn over the things that break God's heart?  Are we friends of God?

I'm asking these questions as I slowly read through Jeremiah.  His accounts are heart-wrenching!  The things that God compares Judah to as His heart breaks over their idolatry and cold-heartedness are hard to stomach.  

Jeremiah pleads the cause of Israel.

And God tells him to stop or He might actually relent.

God shares His heart with Jeremiah.

And Jeremiah understands the fierce, jealous love that God has for His people.

I read recently that in those chapters it is hard to distinguish God's tears from Jeremiah's.  Jeremiah was a voice in his generation to declare the word of God.  Every loving word, even words that spoke of judgement if the people refused to turn to the Lord.  Jeremiah loved God and he loved his fellow countrymen.  He couldn't NOT speak these words.  Even when that made Him a target of scorn.

Most of the people wanted to hear the words that "prophets" not sent by God speaking, "Peace, peace." even when there was no peace, because the people refused to repent.  They didn't obey the first commandment.  They did not love God with all of their hearts and obey Him.  

I see the parallels of the sins of Israel in my generation.  We do nothing to lift the burdens of the oppressed and weak.  In fact, far too often our choices oppress the very ones God calls us to lift up.  We refuse to seek and know the heart of God.  We refuse to be the friends of God.  The one's He can share His heart with and work along side.

My Lord...let me be Your friend.  I want to know Your heart.

The definition of...

Far to easily satisfied by immediacy and having just enough.

What I fail to understand is how fragile man-made eggshells around life are.  I can place everything just so, justifying the pain and the darkness to make it bearable, but it is ever irritating and uncomfortable.  And I'm not whole.

But when the fullness is actually offered and I pretend that less than that is okay...

The words delusional and insane come to mind.

Mishmash

I am such a mishmash of emotions today.  I love it and hate it. (Has anyone else noticed in posts that I have this weird tension with extremes?  No?  Okay moving on.)

The weekend: ah work, a sweet reunion, anticipation and a revelation that is making me go, "Wha?"

I'm slowly adjusting to working the night shift 3 days a week.  I like the job even for the chaos that happens when the nurses all come down at once for break, the phone is ringing for patient orders and the one other person working is on break... that's beside the point.  I never thought I would ever work nights and I dreaded the 20 minute drive back home at 3 am but there is a calm about the city that time of night, yet I also feel the energy of the Holy Spirit hovering in the hours of predawn, like He's pulsing to reign in the night where darkness usually reigns, and yet is also preparing the new mercies and joy of the morning for the majority of the world that is actually sleeping.  Sweet moments.

Speaking of sweet.  My dear aunt flew into my city to see her brother who was in the hospital.  The family had been called in to say goodbyes.  I haven't seen her in almost two years, but this dear woman was the fill in grandma when I was born prematurely, and I can now understand is also a spiritual mother.  We caught up and while I was there found out that her brother who they were expecting to die, might possibly go home later this week.

I am anticipating what February holds.  It's a leap year and sitting in church yesterday, God spoke to my heart about going after a specific area in my life with Him in February.  It's going to be an adventure for sure.  I'm sure I'll post something about it after, but for now I'm letting it settle privately in my own heart.

And as far as the revelation, yesterday was sanctity of life Sunday.  We prayed in church, like we do every Sunday for the blessing of the many babies and children in our church and we also prayed that there would be culture and spirit of Life in our church.  I was moved as we prayed and the little one in the row in front of me kept staring at me.  God knew these little ones before they were ever formed as Psalm 139 says.  Then later in the day I was chatting with my mom and she told me something I never knew before.  I was conceived while she was on the pill.  This revelation about knocked me over.  While, my parents weren't expecting me to come around, God had these plans so that I would be born at that specific time.  It was one of those "wow" moments  where I knew in a deeper way that God formed me and purposed me and He made no mistakes and I was no "accident."  This also combined with sadness as I also found out that my mom had 4 miscarriages before my brother and I came along.  I couldn't help thinking "what if?" about those four lives.

Ah...the life of seeking after the heart of God.  Rich and full.

Love and Fear

Fear and Love.

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might...It is the Lord your God you shall fear...  Deuteronomy 6:4,13.

For the Lord your God is testing you, to know whether you love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul.  You shall walk after the Lord your God and fear Him and keep his commandments and obey his voice, and you shall serve him and hold fast to him.  Deuteronomy 13:3-4

Two examples reveal a truth that run though out the Bible.  Loving God and Fearing God go hand in hand.  They are irreversibly linked.

I know too the verses from 1 John:  There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.

How are the two reconciled?  How do I make sense of the relationship of love and fear?

The questions show something of my knowledge of God.  Or in reality my lack of knowledge.

God is awesome, not the light hearted "hey you got a new ipad, awesome."  No this awesome is about something that is indescribably bigger, stronger, holier, completely beyond me. 

I fear Him because He is great.  And part of that fear, the knowledge is of His fiercely, jealous love.  Jesus wants my heart alone.  If something or if I let someone or something else take the first place in my heart, Jesus is going to go after that.

I'm just in the beginning of the beginning of knowing what it means to fear the Lord. But I am convinced that as I learn the fear of the Lord, I am going to love Him more.

Awake

Shaking off sleep, I wander down to the kitchen for my body's motivator to be awake: coffee.

A whole new schedule, a whole new daily routine.  Spending many hours that used to be consumed by sleep are now filled with labor to make ends meet.  Shift work that causes a shift in lifestyle.

And yet as my body rouses, my spirit is already awake.  Thoughts of the One that has awakened my soul.  Jesus consumes my every waking hour and even the night with dreams, time that used to be consumed by compromise and endless distractions.

A shift of life awakened to the Lord, Yahweh, where nothing is untouched by Him.  And I am awake, without the grogginess.

 

Five minutes of unedited (and in this case sleep deprived) writing.  Join others at The Gypsy Mama as they write about: Awake.

Consecrated.

Tears flow.  Words I don't even understand with my mind flow from my lips as my spirit cries out to the deep of My Lord.

I long, I desire to go to the mountain.

And the prophetic words, are more than words, they are like a trumpet to my soul:

Come, come away!  Consecrate yourself unto Me.  In Me, find your desire and your hope, the fulfillment of everything you were created for.

And I am still reeling!

Tithing my time for prayer and worship= 2.5 hours a day. - Sarah Sun Kim

Everything Jesus does, He does as a servant. It is an act of humility. The only way Jesus can be king is when we let Him be our servant. -Stuart Greaves

The revelation of Jesus as Judge is a message of dignity, freedom and forgiveness. Trust Jesus with your case. He will never stop fighting for you. You can forget because Jesus never will.- Shelley Hundley

Night and day prayer is the only fitting response to the infinitely great God and His Son who is infinitely worthy. 24/7 prayer isn't a necessity. It is a constraint! - Allen Hood

I fast because God is so in love with me and I am painfully unaware. - Shelley Hundley

Don't sit on the sidelines watching others know and love Jesus. - Dwayne Roberts

If you love Me, deny yourself daily, pick up your cross and follow Me. The Bridegroom is the one who invites you into this. Love Himself who humbled Himself, is calling you to deny the things that get in the way of being with Jesus. - Misty Edward

Jesus is the Davidic king, establishing his throne forever, but He is so much more. He is divine. Lord is more than just the idea of a master. He is YAHWEH!. They had not just crucified messiah, they had crucified the LORD. - Steven Venable

The praying church is a singing church. The Bride of Christ will be known as a singing bride who sings back to Jesus.- Brian Kim

The womb is God's art studio. God wrote my novel and God does not write boring books - Lou Engle

When my mind, body and emotions want immorality and I say "no" because I love Jesus, He takes that personally. It moves Him. - Mike Bickle

The most transforming, exhilarating, motivating reality in the kingdom is Jesus Himself. -MB

One Word (or two words) from Onething

I was expectant.  I believed that God was going to do something.  Six months in, while God had done some work.  I knew that I had hidden in invisibility and it hindered me knowing that I was Beloved.  Even as I wrote my wrap up post for OneWord 2011 I could tell there was still something in me believing: I don't think I really know what being Beloved is.

And the last few days of 2011, Jesus overwhelmed me.  Among thousands of others at Onething2011, I encountered Jesus.  I know He loves me in a whole new way.  Psalm 139 being the powerful words my heart needed to hear.

I had the word dream on my mind for 2012 before I left for Kansas City.  To dream with Jesus about going to the darkest places and bringing the kingdom.  Interceding and talking about the creative ways that Yahweh wants to bring redemption.  Dream is still on my heart and I'm so ready to dream with Him.   But on the trip back, I had this fire in my chest and my belly. There were fifty people around me on the bus but all I could think about was Jesus.  I want the fire of my love for Jesus to grow, so my second word for 2012 is burn.

Ooo...I am so pumped for 2012!