50 and Counting...

Well this is my 50th post. For as much as I journal, it is interesting to me how long it has taken for me to get to this point. Really though, it is because I do spend so much time journaling, I don't always know how to rephrase some of my disjointed thoughts enough to post them.

Aside from that, I am sad and joyful. Last night was the end of the year picnic for our campus Navs group. I was put in charge of organizing it. Tuesday's forcast called for rain all day! So what did I do? I freaked out for a while, made a back up plan, then I prayed (probably not the best order, but well, old habits die hard). I prayed for workable weather and by yesterday morning the evening forcast was only calling for cloudy skies! Sweet! After consulting with our campus director, we decided to go ahead with the picnic.

The weather wasn't perfect. In fact, it was misting most of the time, but no one seemed to really mind. There was joy. Everyone was enjoying just being together before finals and dispersment for the summer. God is good.

Anything else?

The last three days have been a whirlwind. I'm trying to take some deep breaths at the moment so that I don't pop!

This week I have had lists of expectations set on me for the summer and even more so the fall. It really has been one thing after the other. I have been sorting through and praying over so many of these things, trying to know if God is asking me to make it all fit or if there is something I really need to say NO to. I am excited for what God is doing but, much more feeling burdened to pray.

I know how helpless and powerless I am to get through any of this without Him.

Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all of these will be given to you as well.
Matthew 6:33

Anything else?

Hiding

Tuesdays are usually the day that I spend the majority of my time in the Student Union, working on random homework and just have a spot for people to just come and hang out in between classes. Not today...two papers due this weekend and a swarm of high schoolers in blue corderoy (aka Future Farmers of America) have decended on campus, have me hiding out in a coffeeshop instead. I need some kind of productivity!

...His Grace

Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace.~Jerry Bridges

Thank you Jesus!

Through the Cracks

"Okay God, You really want me to smash this pitcher with a hammer?"

Moments later, I sat there with a hammer in my hand and shards of pottery scattered out in front of me. This was far from the end. Now I had to piece by piece, glue everthing back together. God wanted me to see how He saw me and the processes He was taking me through.

Sort the pieces

It was time to inventory the damage that had been done. There is no way to continue without first seeing what kind of pieces there are. The base was mostly intact. There were some tiny shards and dust, that needed to be set out on a sheet of paper. I knew some of those would be tossed away, no longer necessary. What pieces needed to be glued first so they would set better in whole?

I ignored that damage for the longest time. I could shove it down, and maybe people wouldn't be able see it. They wouldn't see how messed up I was. Yes, I knew Jesus had saved and redeemed me, but it seemed everyone else was telling me to just pull things together. Besides, that was a mess, destruction that no one in their right mind would ever want to deal with.

But Jesus wouldn't leave me alone... And I began to know that I couldn't live that way. It was painful to look at and deal with, but Jesus started looking at the pieces and placing them together. Some things I thought were a big deal, got set aside. They would be dealt with later after the big things were put in place.

Glue and Patience

The first two pieces went together fairly easily and set in about 10 minutes. Okay, maybe I can do this, maybe it won't be too bad... 40 minutes later only one more piece had been glued in place, I had to take a break to go take care of another task for someone else

At times I was having to add glue 2 or 3 times before the pieces would stick. A couple I realized, would not stay until later; other pieces had to be in place first. That and I had to be patient in letting the glue dry. Move too quickly, and it would be another 10-15 minutes of sitting still.

Well, that wasn't so bad. Okay Jesus, come and deal with this. I need to be put back together.

Wait... no not there. I'm not ready to let go of that! Agh! I messed up again! How will I ever be whole? Jesus why do you put up with me? I'm never going to get this right!

Gentle Pressure and a Steady Hand

For the glue to set, there had to be not only patience, but pressure. Let go, and everything falls apart. Press too hard, and pieces would slide and move. It was at this point that God and I started talking about, what He had been doing in my heart that paralleled me putting the jar back together.

I could feel His hand with me as we talked. There were wounds, but I could see now, where He was in all of it. And it hurt! But I saw His tears, and felt His steady hand. I could move forward. There were sins, but I saw Him pouring out His blood to make me clean. There were tears in both our eyes still, His gleamed with love, and mine of gratitude.

"You are mine, Beloved."

Whole?

After a stop for some more glue, finally the once shattered jar was back together. There was no way to hide the cracks and chips. And there were even holes that could not be filled. The jar was not much to look at before, and well now it is no where near perfect, but like anything that has stood the test of time, those imperfections are beautiful and intriguing. There is a story behind each crack and chip.

Jesus has made me whole again, but I am still so imperfect. I want to keep looking at the cracks and holes and wonder, God how could I ever bring glory to You?

A Vessel for His Glory

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us." ~ 2 Corinthians 4:7

Like that clay pot, I am but a vessel. Jesus is the precious treasure. And through those cracks, my weaknesses, that Jesus can shine and seep through. It isn't about people seeing me, it is about them seeing the power of God and the transforming power and love of Jesus. I do have a story, and it is not something to be ashamed of, but it is a testimony of what Jesus has done for me.

In reality, I am so far from being complete. Jesus is still working, and so the story continues, His glory increases, and His grace becomes richer and deeper to me. He walks with us every step of the way, and I am learning what it means to praise Him and honor Him and give Him the glory in good and in bad.

I wish I could express the richness of the whole passage of 2 Corinthians 4. I want to be a servant, a vessel in which Jesus and the power and love of His salvation and glory can be seen. Well, the best way to see the treasure inside a opaque clay pot... is through the cracks.