EGR (Extra Grace Required)

There are people I know and situations that I run into that test my limits, even as I grow in walking in grace.  They demand more grace than I feel I have. I'd rather be justified in anger than to love the other person unconditionally, or make sure I get my own way than to check to see if I am following God's heart obediently.

So I have to fall on my knees and ask for more grace... grace to not be offended...grace to love...grace to overcome...grace to believe that I can choose love over my flesh...grace to see my own need of more grace..grace to see Jesus in everything.

My words are few and my emotions are high as I write this. Some days and some people are EGR and some days I am the one who is EGR.  But the best part is Jesus always lavishes grace on us all.

In Him, we have redemption, through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace, which He lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight.  Ephesians 1: 7-8

The Death Ride

So what did I do on Easter?

Well aside from church, which was glorious, I went on a arcade ride that I'm fairly certain would never be allowed in the states.  I'd love to post the video here, but I don't have access to the original.

We'll call this ride the spinning wheel of death.  There is a platform that is set on a tilt and there are padded benches all around the side.  The platform spins but it also has hydraulics that make the platform jump.  And this hydraulic jumping and the spinning is all controlled by the sadistic DJ.  Did I forget to mention, NO SEAT BELTS!

So this thing gets going and people go flying.  Even hanging on for dear life hurts.  My arms were shaking afterwards and my low back took a beating from landing hard on the bench.  My friend Miranda was trying to crawl back on to the bench when the whole thing lurched and she landed with her stomach on my knee.  The key to surviving was when the devil man had the thing hopping was to absorb the shock with your legs by half-way standing.

Yes, as I usually do, I saw a parallel with life.  First off, yes, Satan is the sadistic DJ. The ride is life and he is doing what he can to unseat us, and he laughs when he does.  Sometimes the death grip we hang on to things is counter productive.  Holding less on to material things and absorbing the rough jumps of life by standing on Jesus and His resurrection power.

Side note:  I've been thinking about this and I know some people's theology may differ, but a few weeks ago as I read the Apostle's creed where it says that Jesus descended into hell, brought to mind a picture of Jesus knowingly going into the pit.  Satan thinking he had won and then suddenly Jesus snatches the keys to hell, and runs victoriously, laughing the whole way.

Cursed

Cursed

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.

This  has to be the biggest load of crap ever told to little kids.  I've had physical pain but nothing could debilitate me like negative words.  Even words not spoken to me in particular, but in general.

Imagine a general cloud of negativity, caused by culture stress and then add in a boss who shuffles expectations faster than a Los Vegas blackjack deal, and two hands full of mean spirited students who voice themselves about you.

In the midst of my day, I can tend to shrug off things, because I can't afford to dwell.  But the end of the day comes and I walk home with a fifty pound weight.  It takes time to wind down, and some times I'm still trying the next morning to emerge from the day before.  Which makes heading back into that mess even more daunting.

And the words hold power.  It feels like curses are being spoken over me all day long.

Everyday I need the truth that Jesus is for me.  That I stand in there with His authority.  And He has victory.  That as His beloved, I cast myself on His mercy and grace.

And it's not so bad.  Light and momentary affliction.  Which will pass away.  And Jesus will reign, so I am

Blessed

Jumping Out the Window

I can't get the old man to leave.  I've tried starving him, shutting off the utilities, and calling the authorities but he seems to have a secret stash of everything and can talk his way out of everything.

Who is this old man?  He's my flesh

For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.

The flesh against the Spirit and the Spirit against the flesh.  Because the Holy Spirit dwells in me and there is this crazy conflict.  But here is the thing I am learning:

The Holy Spirit's fire will send the old man (flesh) to jump out of the window


Fire will do what nothing else can.  We've all seen video were people would rather jump out the window from impossible heights rather than face the inferno behind them.

At times the fight is in starving the flesh, calling the authorities, but when I'm fed up with giving to my flesh, it's time to turn up the heat.  To ask the Holy Spirit to come in power and fire.  To convict and refine and lead me to repentance and cleansing.  To the place where my affections are turned toward God and sin is not appealing.

And the Holy Spirit only ever rested on One Man like a dove, the rest He came like wind and fire.

He Stayed

 Jesus was mocked by onlookers at the cross because he stayed.

And the people stood by, watching, but the rulers scoffed at him, saying, "He saved others; let him save himself, if he is the Christ of God, his Chosen One!"  The soldiers also mocked him coming up and offering him sour wine and saying, "If you are the King of the Jews, save youself!"  Luke 23:35-37

 Both Jews and Gentiles had no idea what they were saying.  If Jesus saved Himself, there would be no hope for them to be saved.  He had the power but He stayed.  And showed His love for all creation.  He used His power for our good.  Making the way of salvation and redemption...for those who scoffed and mocked Him.

And then there is this:

"I'm  reminded of how selfless and loving Jesus is, staying on the cross when He had the power to come down...and that is how we are to love one another"

...ouch.

In talking with a friend about what good, loving friendships and relationships look like, this was the conclusion I came to.  And what does it mean exactly for me to stay on the cross for other people?

It's a completely selfless love.  It's not about my good but the other person's.  It's using the talents, gifts and authority that God has given me on the behalf of others for their sake.  It's letting the Holy Spirit in me move and do what I cannot, because I am ready to run the other direction.

He stayed and I know what it is to be loved.  He stayed and I can only be amazed that all His power was used on my behalf.  Tomorrow will come and stress will ebb and flow, but joy overflows... because He stayed 

I know that You are for me

I know that You are for me.

I know that You are for me.

I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness

I know that You have come now

Even if to write upon my heart

To remind me of who You are

This is my heart cry as I move from an exhausting week that never let me catch up, into an unexpected 3 day weekend.  All week I have either been listening to this song or had this song playing in my head.

So faithful, so constant

So loving and so true

So powerful in all You do

You fill me, You see me

You know my every move

And You love for me to sing to You

And I've needed.  I've needed to know this is true.  Chaos and a feeling of inadequacy reigned at work.  And sadness and disappointment were also intertwined throughout my heart.  I've needed to be reminded and to tell myself over and over again that God is for me.

So patient, so gracious                  

So merciful and so true

So wonderful in all you do

You fill me, You see me                

You know my every move

And You love for me to sing to You 

And He is so patient with my mistakes and failings.  He is gracious and there is never any threat of forsaking me.   He has picked me up, dusted me off, filled me up and sent me back into this battle of life.  God isn't giving up on me as His warrior.

I know that You are for me.

I know that You are for me.

I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness

I know that You have come now

Even if to write upon my heart

To remind me of who You are

And it's time to step away from here for a time.  This month has been amazing, but it's time for me to be quiet for awhile, to let these truths sink in deeper and deeper as I let Him speak to me about the happenings of the last month that I have written some about but I know We have only scratched the surface on.  

I need Him to write on my heart who He is.

Ready to Finish

After today I only have one more post in my month challenge of posting on my blog.  Five days a week for the first time ever, I got my thoughts out and publicly posted.

Some posts were easy. Partial pieces from the past.

Others were hard.  Digging around with the deep places of my heart.  Admitting how easily offended I can be.

It has been the best writing of my life.  Most of it, coming from simple ideas.  The things that I am learning because I am so far  from  home.  And all the ways I am learning what Beloved means. (1, 2, 3)

But now I am ready to finish this challenge.  To instead sit and be quiet for a while at the cross.  And right now I sense God's affirmation in this, because as I type... its pouring rain.

I'm Bad with Chaos

I can deal with a room full of screaming kids.

I can even deal with piles of stuff laying around the apartment.

I have a corner in my room where everything I don't know what to do with, gets thrown there.

I have a junk drawer in my desk..

Once or twice a year, everything in my living space gets torn out of its current location, leaving me surrounded by  by a debris, looking something like a tornado went through.

The thing is:  I get rid of stuff and stuff gets put back in order.

I can't live in continual chaos.

Evidenced yesterday by how I took to task this mess, while everyone else around me backed away...

I think I crave order in some places because I allow chaos in others.  But order takes work.  That is the second law of thermodynamics.  Sometimes it's overwhelming to take physical messes like this.

But what is even harder, is to sort through spiritual messes of this magnitude.  Because, you have to move things more than once.  You have to throw some things away...and you worry you will throw away something valuable.  But the cost of leaving the mess...

Confusion...restlessness...stumbling...fear...


And God is so kind to lead us through by the Holy Spirit:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard you hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

The Hard Answer

Yesterday, a friend from camp contacted me with the question:

What the heck are you doing in Korea?!

Well...the easy answer is that I am teaching English to Korean children.

What is the hard answer?

I've answered this question once already once

 But the longer I am here, more of the story unfolds.

Being Korea is about this time of training that God intends to use the rest of my life, and its about being Beloved

It's about seeing again and again a people that have been oppressed, and instead of bowing, rise, not to strike their oppressors, but as a people rise again.

It's about, personally, facing disappointment, rejection, condemnation, rising again to bless and not curse.

In Korean there is a term, its called "Han."  To them, it is an anger, unfinished business, but as a friend explained it, it is about  driving force to stand up, as a Korean, out from oppression, an oppression that sought  to erase their identity.

Now sometimes, the nationalism pushes over the good of others. (Some of my students said they were happy about what happened to Japan.)  But a people that rises out of oppression, in love, will bless even their enemies.

Do I bless my enemies?  Do I allow God to raise me up to the point that my heart is soft enough to plead  for those, even those who hurt me, to be raised up out of all oppression?

This is the hard answer: I needed to see this.  I needed to experience this

The Old, The New, The Same

"When you read through the old testament, especially the Genesis through Deuteronomy, make sure to also read some of the gospels or epistles."

Good advice.  It keeps in perspective of how God led Israel and how Jesus fulfills the law perfectly for us, as God's holiness demands perfection.  It keeps the gospel pure.  We see how impossible the standard is for us to earn righteousness and make ourselves holy.

I finished reading Isaiah a few weeks ago and transitioned into a time of reading mostly from John, Acts, Galatians and Ephesians.  This week though, I noticed something...

I need to read in the old testament at the same time I read the new testament especially when I read the gospels and epistles.


It keeps clear in my mind the Holy and fierce God who did reach down to redeem man, and fulfill the promises He spoke throughout history before Christ came, before the Holy Spirit dwelt on believers and the church existed.

I need to see the pursuit of God after mankind. The pursuit that shows a fierce love and jealousy for His people.  Pursuit that: "Burns like fire in a bush, shakes the earth, takes a people captive so they might see the captivity to sin in their hearts.


I can't control or manipulate a God like that.  But I need a God like that to show that Jesus dying for my sin was the drastic measure that God took, so that I would be with Him...Forever.