The last entry, the quotes I referenced were from Waking the Dead by John Eldredge. Great book. I am re-reading another book of his, Walking with God, at the same time. The combination of the two, has been rocking my world in an incredibly good way. I am finding what it means to walk intimately with God, following His leading and recieving the life only He offers.
There are things I really thought I wanted but would never have. I believed that in service to God, I had to completely give up my desire for those things to be holy. The truth is, as I have learned to allow those dreams and desires and then turn those back over to God for Him, I see Him meeting some of those things. And now they are like gifts I am receiving, instead of things I had to take.
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I'm not such a wimp to admit that I had to give up a crush on a Godly, young man in my life. As a couple of friends shared a few things with me, I realized, there is much I admire deeply about him, but it was dangerous to my heart to not hold even our friendship with a very open hand.
My friend K, and I are both walking this road of not letting the fear of impending changes (her moving away) keep us from still investing deeply with one another. Believe me, we stink sometimes at not stepping on each others toes or out right hurting one another. I thank Jesus for the grace He is pouring out and for the desire He has put on our hearts that this type of friendship and community should be the norm in the body of Christ and not the exception.
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And then there are those desires that seem childish or selfish, but are really childlike and full of life. Follow me for a second. I have wanted a new acoustic guitar for a couple of years now. I love my starter pack Fender G8, but the more I play, the more I would like a guitar with a smaller body (I'm not a big person 5'4", 120) so that it is easier and more enjoyable to play. I also wanted to get an electric acoustic on the chance, that I would actually do more playing publically and need to have the capability to plug in.
Well, I prayed about the guitar for a while. And the answer I got was: "Delight yourself in Me and I will give you the desires of your heart." So was that a "Yes" or a "No?" To which God replied, "Wait." As I have been waiting on God (and my tax return) I have seen how this is a gift of life to me from my loving Heavenly Father. I never had to strive to earn this guitar. I submitted the desire to God and watched how majestically He cultivated the desire and orchestrated the circumstances to allow me to make the purchase, which I will do Saturday!
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So in some of my desires God has said no, and in not fighting Him for control, He satisfies my heart, which brings me life. And in others He has said yes, but kept my heart in a place where I am not the one making the answer happen, but joyfully receiving life.
As I was feeling very discouraged the other day, I was praying and asking God what was up, He asked me, "what are you holding on to?" As I thought about it, I replied, "My life." What does that bring when you are holding on to your own life? "Death."
When I place my life in my own hands I find death, but whe I place my life in His hands, I find the abundant life He gives
"not letting the fear of impending changes (her moving away) keep us from still investing deeply with one another..."
ReplyDeletei am so guilty of that same thing. trust, investment, emotional risk is challenging for me. I have a few rare-gem friendships where i fully have that. having lived in africa for 10 years, i've said a lot of goodbyes in my life. and i have to consciously fight my natural tendency to withdraw my heart before the goodbye actually comes.