Everyone is...

It's unsettling.

But here I'm finding the deepest trust and the sweetest touch.

The inordinate shame lifting as I let myself feel the pain of what was.

Everyone is broken.

Me...My friends...My family...My enemies.

As much as I could settle into blame and bitterness, I'd also agree to settle into death and a life as something less than being fully me.

I don't want to sacrifice destiny and joy for what turns out to be an illusion of a less painful road.  It's an illusion because that road doesn't exist.

Remember...Everyone is broken.

I have lived the illusion.  I've hidden behind religion and all the rational answers I could come up with.  My answers could not push away the darkness. The brokenness has remained, and I did such a job hiding myself so that I'm not sure what I need. The true double-edged sword of not owning up to the fact that indeed:

Everyone is broken.


I've picked up my life and moved back to the other side of the globe.  I've left behind beautiful people that I love.  I pray for the chance to return, but for now I'm settling in to being unsettled.  Living out of a suitcase, depending on the kindness of those I returned to, as I have no peace about signing a lease.

Instead, I'm taking time to just be.  Let whatever God needs to do wash over me.  It's been promised that it will be a season of both darkness and joy.  The courage I need will come.  I want everything God has for me.  I want to be everything He created me to be.

Everyone is broken.

And He makes all things new.

Open Apology

To all the men who I have pushed away:

I'm sorry.  I had no idea how to let you see me without going crazy.  I read too much into what was meant to be friendly conversations and fun adventures.  What's worse is that I have missed out on knowing some really incredible men.  

For those of you who ran into my brick wall; I'm trying to take it down.  Not to let just anyone walk all over me, but so that you can see me, and I can see you.

This is still a learning process for me.  I advise that I may pull back and start throwing a brick or two from my disassembled wall.  Give me time, but don't give up.

They're Coming with Me

I didn't really protect myself from it.  I didn't want to.  And the little weasels burrowed into my heart.

Now the pain is so great...I'm not entirely sure how to go forward and leave them.

Could you forget faces like these?

I can't.  Especially with the stories behind each face.

While some of them are celebrating my departure (I'm still a teacher after all) many have given me a sad or surprised reaction when they understand that I am leaving soon.

The impressions they have left on me are permanent.  Even writing this, I'm choked up.  They've gotten to me.  And I wouldn't ever change it.  I may leave Korea but because of these kids, Korea will never leave me.

Catching Fireflies

Catch

Five minutes of unedited free writing with Lisa Jo and others at the GypsyMama


Go:
Always playing catch up.  Trying to get ahead and watching time fly by.

Tick tock.

So much doing...so little time to catch the moments to just be.

Tick tock

Seeing smiles, laughs, wanting to capture each one.

Tick tock

Every moment more precious and rare than the last.  But catching them is like trying to catch the wind.

Tick tock

Knowing there is a new adventure ahead but to not let go of all I have caught and could still catch in this one.

Tick tock

Walking with Jesus as He catches moments like fireflies and shows them off to me.  So much love in these days I savor.

Tick tock

And the sound of the clock on this season slows to a stop.

Tick...

Stop

From Walking

"Who have You made me?  Who am I?"

Question, question question.  Then shame:  I'm not supposed to ask that question, am I?

As my pace slows, I put my hands on my head, trying to catch my breath like I used after finishing a cross-country race in high school.  The weight feels like too much tonight.  And I look away as He tries to catch my gaze.

I need to answer those questions.  It's fear of rejection that holds me back.

Being seen.

I turn into a raging ball of emotions.  I can't explain the tears when someone pushes too close.  When they see the darkness that I have carefully arranged to look like light, and also begin to see the cracks where darkness and brokenness still look like a shattered mess.

I don't want to be wanted in that place.

From all these revelations, the questions come again:

"Who have You made me?  Who am I?"

In the answer seems to be the answer to all the whys of my life.

I know who God is.  I have sought after who He is to the max.  He's never been unfaithful.  And this is the time to ask Him the other questions... the seemingly self-centered questions.

To really discover myself with Him.  To understand His creative design, so that I may know how to glorify Him.

The nagging questions remain:
Will I find someone I like?
Am I even unique?
Will anyone else embrace the vulnerable person outside the "dress-up" clothes and masks?
Can I take the pain, if someone rejects the core of the person I find?


photo credit 

Beloved: Seen

It's been a while since I wrote solely about my 2011 OneWord.  Partly because this post has been slowly developing as God has been unraveling the truth in the midst of some very intricately woven lies.

It all stemmed from these; Now(1) You(2) See(3) Me.

The resulting conversation resulted in me speaking out loud something I had always thought:

People missed who I was because it was like they couldn't see me; I was invisible.

I chose invisibility because it allowed me to hide my insecurities.  But it also blocked out people from knowing who I really was.  In fact, I didn't even really know myself.  I was constantly denying myself anything that left me vulnerable.

I felt unloved and unlovable at the same time I was working so hard to protect myself. So a huge part of my heart was dead.  My ability to be loved was based upon what I did.  It was not who I was.  Heck, I didn't even know myself.

Jesus has slowly been working at the knot around my heart.  He's been slowly loosening the chains over the last 9 years.    And this last year in South Korea, it seems most of the chains have dropped away.

It isn't just that I have found friends who have chosen to love me for me, although my friends are amazing.  It's the way Jesus has brought out who I am.  And I am opening myself up to show others, and stay open and seen even when the easiest thing is to close myself off.  Because even when my dear ones say that they love me for who I am and not what I do; the lie still kicks in and I want to do something, anything to not let them see the dark side of me, or I hold the dark out expecting them to reject me.

On more than one occasion I've found myself staring Jesus and a friend in the face as they simultaneously asked of me to let my walls down and to just be.  To sit without walls and without the need to use words to justify any part of myself.  That terrifies me.   My chest tightens up and my brain tries to speak to avoid that my heart is feeling so exposed.

It happened 4 times this weekend; sitting quietly with a friend who sees me nearby, God reassured me each time, " I see you.  I know you.  No fear."  My heart ached even as I knew I was being held and my throat closed with tears.

But I was seen.

And I was wanted.

That is being beloved.  Knowing I am seen in every way.  Like this:

To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admitting my shadow side I learn who I am and what God's grace means.” - Brennan Manning

The darkness of my life story has crept up and threatened to overwhelm me, into invisibility again, into doing something really stupid.  On the flip side, I know the fear that I still wrestle with, trying to deflect the intimate gaze of others, of Jesus and save face if I can...

But in beloved, I wait, under His gaze, both all seeing, and incredibly tender.

Just Write: Marriage

Go:

I wear a ring.  I used to wear it on the left hand but due to constant questions from my students (Teacher, you married?) and God speaking to me about my authority in Christ (a signet ring is worn typically on the right hand) I moved the ring to my right hand.

On it, it says, "I am my beloved's.  My beloved is mine"

Now I assume that most people who pick out this ring, it is symbolizing purity and commitment to a future spouse.  A marriage.

I want to marry.  I want to have a covenant marriage, one that is committed to the vows spoken from the beginning.  I've seen glimpses of this kind of marriage as I have watch friend after friend join together with another.

But what captures my attention about marriage is the relationship between the Bride, the Church, and the Bridegroom, Jesus.  A pastor, spoke that being Holy, means there is a respectful distance between God and man.  But the more I study scripture and Jesus' words, I am more fully convinced that being made Holy as the Bride of Christ is about being drawn more and more into covenant intimacy with Jesus.  That Holiness means there is less and less distance between God and fallen man.

I suppose that is the marriage I dream of more, than the marriage that doesn't go into the resurrection.

Stop

Longer than 5 minutes today but I couldn't stop