From Walking

"Who have You made me?  Who am I?"

Question, question question.  Then shame:  I'm not supposed to ask that question, am I?

As my pace slows, I put my hands on my head, trying to catch my breath like I used after finishing a cross-country race in high school.  The weight feels like too much tonight.  And I look away as He tries to catch my gaze.

I need to answer those questions.  It's fear of rejection that holds me back.

Being seen.

I turn into a raging ball of emotions.  I can't explain the tears when someone pushes too close.  When they see the darkness that I have carefully arranged to look like light, and also begin to see the cracks where darkness and brokenness still look like a shattered mess.

I don't want to be wanted in that place.

From all these revelations, the questions come again:

"Who have You made me?  Who am I?"

In the answer seems to be the answer to all the whys of my life.

I know who God is.  I have sought after who He is to the max.  He's never been unfaithful.  And this is the time to ask Him the other questions... the seemingly self-centered questions.

To really discover myself with Him.  To understand His creative design, so that I may know how to glorify Him.

The nagging questions remain:
Will I find someone I like?
Am I even unique?
Will anyone else embrace the vulnerable person outside the "dress-up" clothes and masks?
Can I take the pain, if someone rejects the core of the person I find?


photo credit 

Beloved: Seen

It's been a while since I wrote solely about my 2011 OneWord.  Partly because this post has been slowly developing as God has been unraveling the truth in the midst of some very intricately woven lies.

It all stemmed from these; Now(1) You(2) See(3) Me.

The resulting conversation resulted in me speaking out loud something I had always thought:

People missed who I was because it was like they couldn't see me; I was invisible.

I chose invisibility because it allowed me to hide my insecurities.  But it also blocked out people from knowing who I really was.  In fact, I didn't even really know myself.  I was constantly denying myself anything that left me vulnerable.

I felt unloved and unlovable at the same time I was working so hard to protect myself. So a huge part of my heart was dead.  My ability to be loved was based upon what I did.  It was not who I was.  Heck, I didn't even know myself.

Jesus has slowly been working at the knot around my heart.  He's been slowly loosening the chains over the last 9 years.    And this last year in South Korea, it seems most of the chains have dropped away.

It isn't just that I have found friends who have chosen to love me for me, although my friends are amazing.  It's the way Jesus has brought out who I am.  And I am opening myself up to show others, and stay open and seen even when the easiest thing is to close myself off.  Because even when my dear ones say that they love me for who I am and not what I do; the lie still kicks in and I want to do something, anything to not let them see the dark side of me, or I hold the dark out expecting them to reject me.

On more than one occasion I've found myself staring Jesus and a friend in the face as they simultaneously asked of me to let my walls down and to just be.  To sit without walls and without the need to use words to justify any part of myself.  That terrifies me.   My chest tightens up and my brain tries to speak to avoid that my heart is feeling so exposed.

It happened 4 times this weekend; sitting quietly with a friend who sees me nearby, God reassured me each time, " I see you.  I know you.  No fear."  My heart ached even as I knew I was being held and my throat closed with tears.

But I was seen.

And I was wanted.

That is being beloved.  Knowing I am seen in every way.  Like this:

To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admitting my shadow side I learn who I am and what God's grace means.” - Brennan Manning

The darkness of my life story has crept up and threatened to overwhelm me, into invisibility again, into doing something really stupid.  On the flip side, I know the fear that I still wrestle with, trying to deflect the intimate gaze of others, of Jesus and save face if I can...

But in beloved, I wait, under His gaze, both all seeing, and incredibly tender.

Just Write: Marriage

Go:

I wear a ring.  I used to wear it on the left hand but due to constant questions from my students (Teacher, you married?) and God speaking to me about my authority in Christ (a signet ring is worn typically on the right hand) I moved the ring to my right hand.

On it, it says, "I am my beloved's.  My beloved is mine"

Now I assume that most people who pick out this ring, it is symbolizing purity and commitment to a future spouse.  A marriage.

I want to marry.  I want to have a covenant marriage, one that is committed to the vows spoken from the beginning.  I've seen glimpses of this kind of marriage as I have watch friend after friend join together with another.

But what captures my attention about marriage is the relationship between the Bride, the Church, and the Bridegroom, Jesus.  A pastor, spoke that being Holy, means there is a respectful distance between God and man.  But the more I study scripture and Jesus' words, I am more fully convinced that being made Holy as the Bride of Christ is about being drawn more and more into covenant intimacy with Jesus.  That Holiness means there is less and less distance between God and fallen man.

I suppose that is the marriage I dream of more, than the marriage that doesn't go into the resurrection.

Stop

Longer than 5 minutes today but I couldn't stop

Ready, Set...NO!!!

I'm quickly approaching the end of my time in South Korea.  Like 3 weeks.

The three months between June and August were spent clinging to a spiritual piece of driftwood.  And while it did cross my mind to not return after vacation; And I was ready to pack it in and shut down after that:

God is bringing life and restoration again.

And where I was standing on the start line for the next season so ready to just go...

Now, I'm not ready to leave.  My heart has found a kind of home here.  Maybe chalk all of this up to sentimentality, but as I reflect, I knew even in the worst of things, my heart was set to see what God had for me here.  I was never ready to quit.

So where I am now is seeing life coming, the growth coming from the investment and labor made.

And as much as I would love to share that daily with my students and with the dear friends of the community I have found here, it is time to move forward.  But as God reminded me, I will always carry this place, these people, this year of training with me.

Forever changed.

Ready... Set...

The First Chapter

I admitted it to my co-workers; I had gotten lazy in my preparation for and expectations in the classroom.  I had stopped expecting as much of my students calling it good enough if we got through the material without checking to make sure that there was understanding and learning going on.

Truth be told, I got beat up by a negative environment prior to their arrival replacing teachers leaving.  Their new energy kicked me in the butt and I realized that even with only one month left in my term, I want to and need to keep going.

Growing means that I don't get to just survive, just make sure things are gone over and covered.  There must be understanding and learning.  It may be difficult.  I may want to whine just as much as my students do when I ask them to write sentences to show me if they really understand the grammar and vocabulary we just covered, but to do it anyway.

I thought I had the trust and courage thing covered after coming to Korea.  Apparently, that was just the first chapter of the book... so much more growing.
STOP

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Callouses

Honest.

Living in Korea has been the greatest challenge and sweetest reward.

And as my thoughts and momentum turn toward leaving, I'm a jumble of emotions and thoughts.

I needed Korea, and though I can't say that Korea really needed me, I can say that the city where I live has a story that mirrors mine in so many ways.  So if I hurt, I wonder how the people of this city hurt too.  Where have they put up defenses that block out a part of the pain but also hold out against redemption.

I am a part of the most imperfect church.  I had heard rumors of people like this and of problems like this church has, but now I have lived in it.  And I still love this church.  I love the people.  They want to be the life raft for the waves that come from being a foreigner in a foreign land.

For all the places I have let walls down.  I think I have become calloused.

How can I tell?

As God tenderizes me again.

I'm actually consistently cracking open my Bible again...and I could feel my surprise at how it was coming to life and being refreshing.  And I'm the one who for years was lauded for always being in the word.  But my consistency slipped in pride.  I let myself be "busy" with other things even when I have had more free time now than ever in the past.

I'm praying and asking God to speak to my heart, and I am getting impressions after a few months where I didn't seek much, didn't open up my heart before and therefore wasn't hearing much.

Even these places where I had become tough were necessary.  Yes, I want to be pliable and tender to God, but time passes and I am gently reminded that God is always faithful.    This year has been training and I am in the homestretch.  The next few weeks pointed towards Jesus, and knowing how much I need and want Him, that my ONE thing is to go after Him.

Day 7: Write a blog to encourage a beautiful woman

What the world did you get yourself into?


Seriously...


Friend, you walked into the point of my life where I was in need of a heart friend.  Someone I could be me with.  Someone who cared enough to tell me like it is.  Someone with whom, just about any subject could be discussed.

Kristi is awesome.   She's the person who you call when you want a travel buddy, and the person you call when you need a beer after a long day.  She gives selflessly.  She makes me laugh.  She has courage that I admire.  She is beautiful.

We've had some of the best conversations on buses, over coffee, on the phone after a long day.  In a land where saving face is important, I don't have to save face with Kristi.  She knows that life comes with the kinds of broken heartedness, that needs of vulnerability to let healing happen.

And I write this knowing that my beautiful friend seems to find herself in second place perpetually.  So this is for her than for anyone else who may read this:

Kristi, you are the most kind and generous person I know.  You are Ruth of the Bible, in how you serve and love people.  Don't shrug off others' kinds words for you.  They are true.  Never apologize for who you are.  Who you are gives life to others.  Who you are is a masterpiece.  Who you are is the apple of His eye.