Piercing the Darkness

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

I could sense it walking up to the school yesterday.  It was obvious that warfare was swirling.  The whole atmosphere was tumultuous.

I had to dig deep to engage in the fight.  Fatigue from a whole other battle, made my stomach knot up, wondering if I could go at another Goliath. 

And they have conquered the Accuser by the Blood of the Lamb and the Word of their testimony.

Chaos did ensue, but with whispered prayers, I carried on through His strength.  He overcomes, when I don't think I can.

Darkness can not overcome the Light of the World.  Light that pierces everything with Holiness and Righteousness.  Light that restores victoriously.

Beloved: Beauty

In 2011, I have been on a journey to understand the word Beloved.  I've written several posts about the aspects of Beloved that I have encountered along the way.  But this is the one I have been avoiding...like the plague.  I just don't get it.  

  Even though, the term Beloved makes everyone think about it.  I haven't wanted to go there or write about it.  But after a period of days where it has been brought up, questioned and forced its way in to my conscious mind, I knew this is what I needed to write about.  It is deeply personal and I was hoping to write something less...intense.  But I'm certain my journey with it, is not unique...and my hope is my journey, and yours has less of a focus on it and an increasingly clear focus on HIM.

Beauty.

I appreciate beauty.  I see it in things and people all around me.   I see it in Jesus.  Notice which one I left out? 

I don't see beauty in myself. 

 I see my square jawline and muscle definition that men are jealous of, and I agree with my students' words that I look masculine (Should I mention I have two degrees in physical education?).  Sometimes, I just don't think I can pull off feminine.  

I see an empty queue of suitors and the truth that at 26,  I have never been on a date in my life, and I agree with the women who have said that I could find a husband if I put on a little more makeup, dressed differently, or did something different with my hair (Which has a mind of its own, add humidity and forget it).  Honestly, for all the advice I get, I'm either too much or not enough.  I can't win.

I constantly run into the walls I put up.  A hardness that came as a defense mechanism from both abuse and rejection, and it has prevented me from offering that tender beauty of a soul at rest.  The assault began so early in life that I believe the Enemy's lies that I never had beauty to offer in the first place and it was my fault.  The chaos going on in my heart and spirit, seem to only show the faults, the scars, the cracks, not a work of beauty.  

Most of these sentiments about myself never leave my head.  And I shove them down, and tell myself they are true along with the idea that God loves me anyway...even though I'm ugly.

And He does love me.  He created me.  The Master Artist.  With Beauty.  Inside. Outside. Upside down. Backwards.  I have Beauty to offer, no matter how small it feels.

I can do something about the ugliness I feel both inside and out.  I cultivate a lovely heart by time with Jesus, asking for the beauty of a quiet and gentle spirit...one that trusts God even as the Enemy assaults me and as others make, some well intentioned, but hurtful comments about my personality or outward appearance.  I can go after the places that need redemption, and refuse to believe the Accuser has the final word on me.  

I cannot ignore my outward appearance either...when I ignore it, it shows something about the condition of my heart.  Would you believe that two of the most healing moments regarding my beauty have ended up with God leading me on a shopping trip?  I found that I dress less femininely because I don't believe I possess a beauty able to carry the clothing.  

Yes, clothes will fade and in my case end up with sweat stains, make-up is temporary, and the happiness that comes on good hair days will dissipate...God wants me to know I am lovely, beautiful...formed as a woman to offer beauty.  Yet, in those moments where God has invited me to buy and wear something I feel beautiful in, He speaks of how He will always adorn His Beloved.

I most covet the inward beauty of a trust in God that will not be shaken.  To take back the places, the Enemy has stolen, believing they are fully mine, because I'm the Beloved and Co-heir with Christ.  It is a place of victory and beautiful and triumphal procession. To walk in the faith in Jesus, even greater and deeper faith than that faith that took risks to bring me to Korea, despite overwhelming obstacles, put the shame of the past behind me, and knew I was so Beloved by Jesus.  I was in that place of faith and rest last summer when a friend commented that it was the most beautiful she had ever seen me look.  Oh...

That is where Beloved meets Beauty

I acknowledge, I have a long way to go on this path, but I'm out of denial and sitting with it at the feet of Jesus

I'm an Alien

It's five minute friday and time for five minutes of unedited writing.  Check out others at The Gypsy Mama

Home

GO

I hope that as you are becoming aware of your alieness in a foreign land that God would show you new depths into the meaning of being "aliens in this Earth" having a home not found in this world.

A friend wrote this and many other notes in a journal she gave me before I came to Korea.  What is so interesting is that before I even left the States I felt like an alien.

I left the place I had called home for 7 years.  Even spending 2 months at my parents home, didn't feel like home anymore. And I have never felt more alien and out of place than I have in this homogeneous, South Korean land.    

I found and find myself where no Earthly place seems like home.  I could live in a place but still not find that place where my heart is completely at rest.  It must be true that the only place I will ever feel completely at home is in the full presence of God.

So God may take me places where I will live and settle for a time...but they will never be home. I'm an alien.

STOP

Backwards Because I'm Stuck in Neutral

Its Friday!  Huuuhhhh-ssssaaaaahhhh!  And time for five minutes of unedited writing on this week's prompt

BACKWARD.

I'm linked over at The Gypsy Mama where others write out their thoughts too.

GO:
So here I am and I actually don't have any inspiration arising from this prompt of backward.

I'm serious.  I honestly can't think if anything.

The harder I try to think the more cramped up my brain is getting.  Things a coming to a crashing halt and I'm pretty sure that if I even tried to talk and not just type, I think my tongue would be stuck.  And I would sound like a person gagging.

GAH!!

My brain must be stuck in reverse, or better yet...neutral.  It's going nowhere.  So instead of anything profound, all anyone is getting from me this week is a very random ramble.

I blame the kimchee on this brain malfunction...

STOP.

Beloved: Halfway

Halfway through 2011.  Halfway through this year of Beloved

But unlike last year of Courage...it seems like I'm only going at this word...halfway.

But reality may be a little different than my perception... See last year was hard.  It was hard to be courageous.  I faced sickness, pain, endless waiting, delays, discouragement, doubters...

But in the end...I found courage as I saw a bigger God who helped me overcome all those things.

So the fact that right now that I feel beat down, isolated, confused, not beloved...this isn't over.  It's only halfway through the year and just like courage...God will keep using these words.

So I pray that God reveals more of Himself and I grow in the knowledge and experience of beloved in

Tenderness

The power of the whirlwind

The authority as a co-heir and the bride of Christ

The calling that comes out of being redeemed

Repentance

Watching day and night for Jesus' return.

Yes, its halfway and it feels halfway.  

But it's not over yet.

(ps I wrote this right away because I was thinking about it before I saw Alece's post.  Call it good timing)

Present Simple

Join me and others over at Gypsy Mama and take five minutes, no editing, in writing on EVERYDAY for Five Minute Friday.


GO!!

"Present simple talks about everyday", I tell my students as I scribble the Korean Hanguel translation of the verb tense present simple on the white board.

Present simple also talks about facts, habits and things that are always true.

Present simple.  The verb tense that challenges me to ask the questions:

What are the facts?
What are my habits?
What is always true?

And how does that effect my everyday?

Things can seem complicated.

Do I take time to step back to rest and take joy in the simple?

Do I have simple faith...childlike faith...in God who is always TRUE?

Are my habits dictated by what is true or what is simply the least path of resistance?

Everyday...do I simply take time in His Presence?

STOP!!

Discipline or Grace?....or Both

Blogging everyday was tiring.  But now, I wish I was still (see had the motivation) to still being doing it.  Because, ideas that used to get thought out, even if no conclusion was reached, now just float out of my consciousness.

The real issue with me is consistency.  Discipline.

Yeah... I don't like hearing that word.  My flesh cringes at it.

It hasn't always.  I used be be disciplined to the max.  I never cut myself any slack.  No grace.  No mercy.

Not because I wanted more of God, but because of guilt

Then I found the words of Romans 8

There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus...


And though I was able to let things go that weren't mine to hold...I've gotten bad at letting go of the things that matter to hold...

I've forgotten my First Love.


I don't daily give myself to the discipline of surrendering to the Lord.  My heart which was soft, has gotten hard around the edges, and it make it harder to hear the Spirit.

I forgot that in grace there is a measure of discipline to walk in that grace.  To give myself to it.

As the Spirit has spoken His words of conviction to my heart, I've started to soften again.  To see my need to draw near.  So I am walking in the way, not just wanting to stay on the path but to long daily for more.  To be so determined to stay as far away from the hardness of destruction.

This is the way of discipline and grace...walk in it...