Give Me Jesus

I don't know if I have the words, or even the strength to write this whole post the way I want to. Bear with me, as I pray my way through this one...

Every few minutes of the last few days, I feel like I keep asking myself, "Is Jesus enough?" I'm confused about the direction God is leading. I have watched people I know and heard about others who are walking through pain, who are dealing with disappointment, and who are just as confused, if not more confused, than I am. It has put faces to the suffering and to those who are poor in spirit, and I am so helpless to do anything. God is telling me to rest in Him, when all I want to do is to fix things. Fix me, fix situations, solve the problems... How Jesus?

And right now... I do know my Savior is with me. Yet there are tears... and anger... and disappointment... and confusion... And there is His presence... His affection... His joy... and His love...

When it comes to crises or events that upset us, this I have learned; you can have God or you can have understanding. Sometimes you can have both. But if you insist on understanding, if often doesn't come. And that can create distance between you and God, because you are upset and demanding and an explanation isn't coming and so you withdraw a bit from God and lose the grace God is giving. He doesn't explain everything, but He always offers us Himself. ~ John Eldredge

At some point, I may get an explanation. I'm looking at God right now and wanting to ask "Why?" to so many things. I want an answer. I want a solution. This is where God has taken me.

This is what the LORD says: "Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom or the strong man boast of his strength or the rich man boast of his riches, but let him who boasts boast about this: that he understands and knows me, that I am the LORD, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight," declares the LORD. ~Jeremiah 9:23-24

so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. ~ Ephesians 3:17-19

But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. ~ 2Corinthians 3:16-18

Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised. ~ Romans 4:20-21

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. ~ Ecclesiastes 3:11-13

I could have all the world, every explanation and not have what I need...

Give me Jesus

p.s. Stay tuned for a post about why you should take care of your heart...

Back at the Keyboard

Chicago was the amazing experience that I thought it would be. It was so eye-opening and humbling. We got to explore the city by foot and CTA, enjoying some of the sites. But our purpose was to work along side a couple of organizations that help those in poverty and homeless.

We had noble intentions, but as the week went on, we found that it didn't seem like we were doing much. Yet, in sharing together before we left for home, we concluded that we did the things that can't get done without the help of volunteers. Those who work full-time with these organizations are overloaded as is. Picking up trash, sorting papers, sorting clothes, fixing bunkbeds, and handing out fliers were simple tasks but they were so thankful. Some of the residents of the homeless shelter wondered what a group of college students were doing in Chicago instead of Florida.

Inner-city Chicago is not a place where I felt comfortable. I was more focused on my weaknesses than leaning on Jesus. The question came to mind; why me? Why do I get to enjoy the comfortable life I do?

The other question I have been processing in the last 24 hours is why does God love me so much? He saves me, but more than that He adopts me, calls me His, and is infinitely patient (okay this is the miniscule short list). I can do nothing, to earn or deserve any of this love or any of my circumstances. Sigh... I need to mull this over... so enjoy some pictures

CHICAGO!

Well at 8 am tomorrow, 25 of us will head from the windswept prairies to the big city of Chicago. Believe me when I say for some it will be quite the culture shock (When asked why we were going to Chicago for spring break, our fearless leader answered, "Because it will be good for you.")

I am very excited! The road trips are amazing times of bonding and Oh the stories that will come of it. But more important is the call to serve.

We like being called servants, but this trip is going to show how willing we are to be treated as servants. Yes, we have a group composed mainly of hard-working farm kids. It is second nature to most to lend a hand. But we want to follow God's leading to lay down our lives to serve. We're asking God for big, impossible things. So may we set ourselves aside so that Christ may be seen more clearly.

When God Writes Your Life Story

The last entry, the quotes I referenced were from Waking the Dead by John Eldredge. Great book. I am re-reading another book of his, Walking with God, at the same time. The combination of the two, has been rocking my world in an incredibly good way. I am finding what it means to walk intimately with God, following His leading and recieving the life only He offers.

There are things I really thought I wanted but would never have. I believed that in service to God, I had to completely give up my desire for those things to be holy. The truth is, as I have learned to allow those dreams and desires and then turn those back over to God for Him, I see Him meeting some of those things. And now they are like gifts I am receiving, instead of things I had to take.
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I'm not such a wimp to admit that I had to give up a crush on a Godly, young man in my life. As a couple of friends shared a few things with me, I realized, there is much I admire deeply about him, but it was dangerous to my heart to not hold even our friendship with a very open hand.

My friend K, and I are both walking this road of not letting the fear of impending changes (her moving away) keep us from still investing deeply with one another. Believe me, we stink sometimes at not stepping on each others toes or out right hurting one another. I thank Jesus for the grace He is pouring out and for the desire He has put on our hearts that this type of friendship and community should be the norm in the body of Christ and not the exception.
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And then there are those desires that seem childish or selfish, but are really childlike and full of life. Follow me for a second. I have wanted a new acoustic guitar for a couple of years now. I love my starter pack Fender G8, but the more I play, the more I would like a guitar with a smaller body (I'm not a big person 5'4", 120) so that it is easier and more enjoyable to play. I also wanted to get an electric acoustic on the chance, that I would actually do more playing publically and need to have the capability to plug in.

Well, I prayed about the guitar for a while. And the answer I got was: "Delight yourself in Me and I will give you the desires of your heart." So was that a "Yes" or a "No?" To which God replied, "Wait." As I have been waiting on God (and my tax return) I have seen how this is a gift of life to me from my loving Heavenly Father. I never had to strive to earn this guitar. I submitted the desire to God and watched how majestically He cultivated the desire and orchestrated the circumstances to allow me to make the purchase, which I will do Saturday!
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So in some of my desires God has said no, and in not fighting Him for control, He satisfies my heart, which brings me life. And in others He has said yes, but kept my heart in a place where I am not the one making the answer happen, but joyfully receiving life.

As I was feeling very discouraged the other day, I was praying and asking God what was up, He asked me, "what are you holding on to?" As I thought about it, I replied, "My life." What does that bring when you are holding on to your own life? "Death."

When I place my life in my own hands I find death, but whe I place my life in His hands, I find the abundant life He gives

Chewing on This

"There is a glory to your life that your Enemy fears, and he is hell-bent on destroying that glory before you act on it."

My heart is with you to take the territory of your heart back. Keep building the wall.

"It is an akward thing to shimmer when everyone else is not, to walk in your glory with an unveiled face when everyone else is veiling his."

But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. And we who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. 2 Corinthians 3:16-18

Shaken Not Stirred

It has been a long 24 hours. And it would take forever to explain the whole context of what is going on. I will preface with this: God is a Rock and my Refuge, I will not be greatly shaken. Yet I have been wondering if the ground will stop moving. It will not because God has placed Joel 3:9-10 directly in my path:

Proclaim this among the nations: Consecrate for war; stir up the mighty men. Let all men of war draw near; let them come up. Beat your plowshares into swords, and your prunning hooks into spears; let the weak say, "I am a warrior."

I thought I was shaken by what happened last night, but I am beginning to realize it is actually God stirring me up.

Pieces of the Week

Since I struggle to blog consistently because I never really know what to write or never think its good enough to publish, this is what you get from me this week. Pieces of what happened, pieces of what I learned, just pieces. See if you can put together what my week was like.

"We worship Whom we trust, and we trust Whom we know." David Jeremiah

I parked myself on a rock at Falls park and read, journaled and cried.

Actually went to four different places and online for a new acoustic guitar. Think I may have found one. Should I pull the trigger?

Helped pull off a surprise birthday/bon voyage party for my friend H. Chinese food, cake, Signs, Nicknames, and lots of laughs.

Prayed. Alot. For KG, MD, AG, KF, GP, JW, AZ, AE, AS, NG, MDCK, SDSU.

Read in Deuteronomy, Judges, 1 Samuel, Joshua, and John.

Got less sleep then I should have.

Thought I forgot my wallet, drove all the way home to find it in my purse, which I had already looked through twice.