The Call

As they were going along the road, someone said to him, "I will follow you wherever you go." And Jesus said to him, "Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head." To another he said, "Follow me." But he said, "Lord, let me first go and bury my father." And Jesus said to him, "Leave the dead to bury their own dead. But as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God." Yet another said, "I will follow you, Lord, but let me first say farewell to those at my home." Jesus said to him, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God."

For over 10 years, I look at this passage, and I know, this is my call.  These were the very words of Jesus calling me to follow Him.

I said yes.

Sometimes I get frustrated with God, and I question, "Why didn't you tell me it was going to be like this?"  Yes, from this passage I had the indication that following Jesus would not be easy, but many days it is easy to feel so defeated with my failures and the evil of the age.

The Holy Spirit emphasized recently something new about this call.

Jesus is the Bridegroom coming for a Bride.  And this is the all to forsake all others for the sake of Him.  It's an invitation to take His name and to bear His yoke.

And when I said yes, and when I continue to say yes over and over again, it moves His heart.  He declared His love and I chose to respond to Him.

The journey is not easy.  It is a denial of my flesh, a spiritually violent act, in the face of criticism for choosing Him, but my heart becomes more alive and more free as I ask for more grace to love and give myself wholeheartedly to Jesus.

Jesus knew me.  He knows me and He wants me.  He knows the weakness I feel.  He eager desires that I learn from Him.  He is humble and patient, demonstrating jealous love.  He knows when the temptation is there to tell Him I will only give myself to Him partially or when I don't have the desire follow Him in the moment, or how other relationships pull for my greatest allegiance and affections.  But each time I repent, I say yes again, it means everything to Him.

This is my call: I say yes.

Yoked

"There is no such thing as not being yoked.  You will be yoked to the master of sin or you will be yoked to Jesus."

These words echoed around in my head and my heart.  This is the calling to a life of responsiveness.  Not just a moment at a conference but a yoke, bound to Jesus.

"It is no small thing to bear the name of Jesus and then walk in compromise.  It is not a small thing to bind yourself to God and then resist Him."

The first and greatest commandment is to love God.  He is longing for the day that He can return for a fully prepared, equally yoked Bride.  A Bride who loves the Bridegroom with all she has and is...and is pulling in the same direction as He leads.

My heart was marked in that morning session.  God loves me and He is calling me into intimate partnership.  This is my choice to respond to Jesus.

And so my One Word 2013 is Yoked

Hold to the plumb line

A focus point or a plumb line word.  That is what One Word 365 is about.

I chose two words this year.

Dream

Burn

I can admit to not pressing into these words as much as I have the past two years' words.  Yet, this year how I look at myself and how I am living are framed by these words.   

I see the fire of devotion.  I see the places of freedom.  Am I there?

No.  But my heart is unlocked in such a way that I can pursue these things more with God.  I have given myself permission to feel and to believe, to own who I am, and to process as seasons change.

Throughout this year,  God has challenged me to look at how I've always done things, the ways I grew up learning to relate with and to the world around me.  I've found the soul numbing mechanisms, the co-dependent chains that have held my heart back from God and held myself back from living the life that I want to with Him

God has shown me more of how my heart is made to live in relationship, in communion with Him.  This is the spark by which I see my passion growing and my heart made alive to dream.  I am beginning to lay a hold of my heart and the life that is devoted to Jesus.

On to 2013...

I Can't Stop the Crashing Waves

The tide was coming in and the waves crashed higher and higher on the rocks. In the handful of times this land locked dweller faced the ocean, fear crept up, drawing breath a little more difficult.

The power of water rushing over rocks, able to move objects as it wished.

And my need to control...had anxiety rising up in my chest.

And then there was my friend, who spoke of the deeper peace she had as she sat near the raging waters.

This was home for her.  Her anxieties calmed in the steady, yet unpredictable coming and going of the waves.

A year later and thousands of miles away, I turned my heart to listen.

Let Me love you.  You fear your imperfections.  So you fight, you strive.  Be still and let my love quiet you.  Let My love quiet you.  Let My love perfect you.

While hearing the sweet, tender voice, I see the raging waters again.  I know then, His love is like the crashing waves.  To let Him love me, to let the waves, powerful and consuming, wash over me.

unfinished

when the flesh you’re in just doesn’t fit quite right

baggy in one place and in another too tight 

together with a gallery peering intently 

for the twist of plot that finally turns towards victory 

the truth is I don’t know where I am or going 

the truth is I sit with them, not the conductor’s seat 

it’s a masterpiece in production 

but for now it’s awkward and undone 

Rage Against Everything

Its a fire inside that quenches the fire I long for.

Like how explosives are used to suck the air out of raging fire so that it can be subdued.

The fire of the Spirit put out by the fire of anger.

It is unrighteous anger, spilling out of my heart and through my lips.  And it is over absolutely stupid stuff... I mean why am I so angry over some inconvenience or request at work?  I work in customer service.

Ready to run someone over or off the road because they happen to get in my way on a rush through traffic...

Eye rolls at ones I really do love but their words hit walls or wounds and I won't have any of it...

Out of the heart the mouth speaks...

Deep in my spirit, broken or messy as it may be, I cry out for more than this life, drowning in my own anger and offense.

Truthfully, my greatest loathing is still for myself.  Living unforgiven, drenched in shame, beyond repair.

Encourage

Settling into my car, I took a deep breath.

I had just been given an inexplicable gift.

While sitting a jotting down some of my thoughts in my favorite local spot, a sister in Christ approached me.  We sat and talked for about 30 minutes.  She listened to the story of my summer.  Disappointments, missteps, and hurdles.

She listened and then spoke life.  She poured courage into my heart to hold onto hope that God is working for me and will change the season in His time.

Walk down the corridor with doors on the right and left.  Each one as before is locked.  Keeping going.  Keep looking to Him. Keep listening to His voice.  He will bring you to the door He wants you to walk through.

With an ailment that was leaving my right I red, I walked to the front of the room to seek out the prayers of others.  As I approached the couple designated to pray, two other Spiritual Mamas descended on me. The four of them laid hands, praying for my eye but also for my heart.

It was a divine embrace.

Hold on to hope.  You will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  He will fight for you.