Hold to the plumb line

A focus point or a plumb line word.  That is what One Word 365 is about.

I chose two words this year.

Dream

Burn

I can admit to not pressing into these words as much as I have the past two years' words.  Yet, this year how I look at myself and how I am living are framed by these words.   

I see the fire of devotion.  I see the places of freedom.  Am I there?

No.  But my heart is unlocked in such a way that I can pursue these things more with God.  I have given myself permission to feel and to believe, to own who I am, and to process as seasons change.

Throughout this year,  God has challenged me to look at how I've always done things, the ways I grew up learning to relate with and to the world around me.  I've found the soul numbing mechanisms, the co-dependent chains that have held my heart back from God and held myself back from living the life that I want to with Him

God has shown me more of how my heart is made to live in relationship, in communion with Him.  This is the spark by which I see my passion growing and my heart made alive to dream.  I am beginning to lay a hold of my heart and the life that is devoted to Jesus.

On to 2013...

I Can't Stop the Crashing Waves

The tide was coming in and the waves crashed higher and higher on the rocks. In the handful of times this land locked dweller faced the ocean, fear crept up, drawing breath a little more difficult.

The power of water rushing over rocks, able to move objects as it wished.

And my need to control...had anxiety rising up in my chest.

And then there was my friend, who spoke of the deeper peace she had as she sat near the raging waters.

This was home for her.  Her anxieties calmed in the steady, yet unpredictable coming and going of the waves.

A year later and thousands of miles away, I turned my heart to listen.

Let Me love you.  You fear your imperfections.  So you fight, you strive.  Be still and let my love quiet you.  Let My love quiet you.  Let My love perfect you.

While hearing the sweet, tender voice, I see the raging waters again.  I know then, His love is like the crashing waves.  To let Him love me, to let the waves, powerful and consuming, wash over me.

unfinished

when the flesh you’re in just doesn’t fit quite right

baggy in one place and in another too tight 

together with a gallery peering intently 

for the twist of plot that finally turns towards victory 

the truth is I don’t know where I am or going 

the truth is I sit with them, not the conductor’s seat 

it’s a masterpiece in production 

but for now it’s awkward and undone 

Rage Against Everything

Its a fire inside that quenches the fire I long for.

Like how explosives are used to suck the air out of raging fire so that it can be subdued.

The fire of the Spirit put out by the fire of anger.

It is unrighteous anger, spilling out of my heart and through my lips.  And it is over absolutely stupid stuff... I mean why am I so angry over some inconvenience or request at work?  I work in customer service.

Ready to run someone over or off the road because they happen to get in my way on a rush through traffic...

Eye rolls at ones I really do love but their words hit walls or wounds and I won't have any of it...

Out of the heart the mouth speaks...

Deep in my spirit, broken or messy as it may be, I cry out for more than this life, drowning in my own anger and offense.

Truthfully, my greatest loathing is still for myself.  Living unforgiven, drenched in shame, beyond repair.

Encourage

Settling into my car, I took a deep breath.

I had just been given an inexplicable gift.

While sitting a jotting down some of my thoughts in my favorite local spot, a sister in Christ approached me.  We sat and talked for about 30 minutes.  She listened to the story of my summer.  Disappointments, missteps, and hurdles.

She listened and then spoke life.  She poured courage into my heart to hold onto hope that God is working for me and will change the season in His time.

Walk down the corridor with doors on the right and left.  Each one as before is locked.  Keeping going.  Keep looking to Him. Keep listening to His voice.  He will bring you to the door He wants you to walk through.

With an ailment that was leaving my right I red, I walked to the front of the room to seek out the prayers of others.  As I approached the couple designated to pray, two other Spiritual Mamas descended on me. The four of them laid hands, praying for my eye but also for my heart.

It was a divine embrace.

Hold on to hope.  You will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  He will fight for you.

Notes on a Journey

I'm not one to like sharing the middle of a journey.  Typically, I like to make it to the end and throw out a nice wrapped up package for everyone to see.

I'm sitting in the middle of a journey through studying the book of Song of Solomon.  Initially a somewhat reluctant journey.  One that has had its share of critics and cheerleaders.

SOS has received some poor study in many places in the modern church.  Many have concluded that there is no place for Song of Solomon in the Bible.  Criticized from afar without ever taking the time to wade through admittedly hard language to understand.  There are exceptions of course and I have had awesome input from the studies of Mike Bickle and also Hudson Taylor and Matthew Henry.

So what exactly am I learning from SOS?  Ephesians 5:32

This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

As my heart has become more willing and seeking, I have seen Jesus and the union with the Church that He calls us to.

It is an ever maturing relationship of love. Let Him kiss me we the kisses of His word...

The church comes back into the communion intended with God in the garden.

It's is marked by mutual affection. I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine.

Jesus is the Bridegroom and He is coming back for His Bride.

Again this sort of feels like I'm trying to wrap up weeks of study when I am only halfway through the book. It is full of reading, messy prayers, deciphering language, studying context, more messy prayers, outside encouragement and discouragement, more messy prayers, the worst life losing streak I've encountered yet, and crazy moments where everything makes sense and I KNOW that God loves me.

Holding

Those that hold Christ fast in faith and love will not let Him go;  He shall abide with them.

Matthew Henry