unfinished

when the flesh you’re in just doesn’t fit quite right

baggy in one place and in another too tight 

together with a gallery peering intently 

for the twist of plot that finally turns towards victory 

the truth is I don’t know where I am or going 

the truth is I sit with them, not the conductor’s seat 

it’s a masterpiece in production 

but for now it’s awkward and undone 

Rage Against Everything

Its a fire inside that quenches the fire I long for.

Like how explosives are used to suck the air out of raging fire so that it can be subdued.

The fire of the Spirit put out by the fire of anger.

It is unrighteous anger, spilling out of my heart and through my lips.  And it is over absolutely stupid stuff... I mean why am I so angry over some inconvenience or request at work?  I work in customer service.

Ready to run someone over or off the road because they happen to get in my way on a rush through traffic...

Eye rolls at ones I really do love but their words hit walls or wounds and I won't have any of it...

Out of the heart the mouth speaks...

Deep in my spirit, broken or messy as it may be, I cry out for more than this life, drowning in my own anger and offense.

Truthfully, my greatest loathing is still for myself.  Living unforgiven, drenched in shame, beyond repair.

Encourage

Settling into my car, I took a deep breath.

I had just been given an inexplicable gift.

While sitting a jotting down some of my thoughts in my favorite local spot, a sister in Christ approached me.  We sat and talked for about 30 minutes.  She listened to the story of my summer.  Disappointments, missteps, and hurdles.

She listened and then spoke life.  She poured courage into my heart to hold onto hope that God is working for me and will change the season in His time.

Walk down the corridor with doors on the right and left.  Each one as before is locked.  Keeping going.  Keep looking to Him. Keep listening to His voice.  He will bring you to the door He wants you to walk through.

With an ailment that was leaving my right I red, I walked to the front of the room to seek out the prayers of others.  As I approached the couple designated to pray, two other Spiritual Mamas descended on me. The four of them laid hands, praying for my eye but also for my heart.

It was a divine embrace.

Hold on to hope.  You will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  He will fight for you.

Notes on a Journey

I'm not one to like sharing the middle of a journey.  Typically, I like to make it to the end and throw out a nice wrapped up package for everyone to see.

I'm sitting in the middle of a journey through studying the book of Song of Solomon.  Initially a somewhat reluctant journey.  One that has had its share of critics and cheerleaders.

SOS has received some poor study in many places in the modern church.  Many have concluded that there is no place for Song of Solomon in the Bible.  Criticized from afar without ever taking the time to wade through admittedly hard language to understand.  There are exceptions of course and I have had awesome input from the studies of Mike Bickle and also Hudson Taylor and Matthew Henry.

So what exactly am I learning from SOS?  Ephesians 5:32

This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

As my heart has become more willing and seeking, I have seen Jesus and the union with the Church that He calls us to.

It is an ever maturing relationship of love. Let Him kiss me we the kisses of His word...

The church comes back into the communion intended with God in the garden.

It's is marked by mutual affection. I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine.

Jesus is the Bridegroom and He is coming back for His Bride.

Again this sort of feels like I'm trying to wrap up weeks of study when I am only halfway through the book. It is full of reading, messy prayers, deciphering language, studying context, more messy prayers, outside encouragement and discouragement, more messy prayers, the worst life losing streak I've encountered yet, and crazy moments where everything makes sense and I KNOW that God loves me.

Holding

Those that hold Christ fast in faith and love will not let Him go;  He shall abide with them.

Matthew Henry

A Beautiful Sound

Like it or not, my life is filled with tension.

As I finished writing that sentence, a picture of a guitar came to mind.  While playing guitar is a stress relief, my thoughts have begun revolving around the tension on the strings.  Out of proper tension, the guitar is out of tune or under too much tension the string snaps.

But in tune, a pluck of a string produces a sweet tone.  All six strings in tune produce an even sweeter harmony.

In life, tension is good.  It isn't always easy to hold in a particular place of tension.  Right now, I know the tension of one string feels out of sorts and out of tune.  I'm holding to a job that isn't going to fully pay the bills within the next two months, I'm trusting God in the waiting to hear back about an interview I had for another job; one that would put me back in a place to be using the education I'm paying for, one working with kids, one that will pay the bills.  Yet, also knowing the job I have now is the perfect place for me to be and is consistent with the prayers that I prayed asking God to put me in a place to love and care for those that are weak and sometimes utterly frustrating but producing integrity and real kindness in me.

So again I pray: Lord my life be in a beautiful tension that is a sweet sound to Your ears.

1700

1700

A slightly random number.

The next person to read my blog will be the 1700th view.  In five years. I know many blogs that get that kind of traffic in a day.

This blog has always been more for me than about broadcasting my own message or agenda.  Yet, as I have watch the stats increase, I'm ever more aware that my words and thoughts are reaching others.

Jesus, as I wrestle and put these thoughts and prayers out for others see, I ask that you mark them with Your love.  I release the kind of peace that surpasses all understanding as so often even as I have written about the struggles I am going though, there is still a peace that rests on me from You that I'm not sure always comes across in my words.  Cultivate a place of closeness with them as You have with me.  Relentlessly pursue them.  Speak to their hearts.  Show them how You delight in them.  Jesus, I look to You.  You are great.  You are worthy of everything!


Amen