The definition of...

Far to easily satisfied by immediacy and having just enough.

What I fail to understand is how fragile man-made eggshells around life are.  I can place everything just so, justifying the pain and the darkness to make it bearable, but it is ever irritating and uncomfortable.  And I'm not whole.

But when the fullness is actually offered and I pretend that less than that is okay...

The words delusional and insane come to mind.

Mishmash

I am such a mishmash of emotions today.  I love it and hate it. (Has anyone else noticed in posts that I have this weird tension with extremes?  No?  Okay moving on.)

The weekend: ah work, a sweet reunion, anticipation and a revelation that is making me go, "Wha?"

I'm slowly adjusting to working the night shift 3 days a week.  I like the job even for the chaos that happens when the nurses all come down at once for break, the phone is ringing for patient orders and the one other person working is on break... that's beside the point.  I never thought I would ever work nights and I dreaded the 20 minute drive back home at 3 am but there is a calm about the city that time of night, yet I also feel the energy of the Holy Spirit hovering in the hours of predawn, like He's pulsing to reign in the night where darkness usually reigns, and yet is also preparing the new mercies and joy of the morning for the majority of the world that is actually sleeping.  Sweet moments.

Speaking of sweet.  My dear aunt flew into my city to see her brother who was in the hospital.  The family had been called in to say goodbyes.  I haven't seen her in almost two years, but this dear woman was the fill in grandma when I was born prematurely, and I can now understand is also a spiritual mother.  We caught up and while I was there found out that her brother who they were expecting to die, might possibly go home later this week.

I am anticipating what February holds.  It's a leap year and sitting in church yesterday, God spoke to my heart about going after a specific area in my life with Him in February.  It's going to be an adventure for sure.  I'm sure I'll post something about it after, but for now I'm letting it settle privately in my own heart.

And as far as the revelation, yesterday was sanctity of life Sunday.  We prayed in church, like we do every Sunday for the blessing of the many babies and children in our church and we also prayed that there would be culture and spirit of Life in our church.  I was moved as we prayed and the little one in the row in front of me kept staring at me.  God knew these little ones before they were ever formed as Psalm 139 says.  Then later in the day I was chatting with my mom and she told me something I never knew before.  I was conceived while she was on the pill.  This revelation about knocked me over.  While, my parents weren't expecting me to come around, God had these plans so that I would be born at that specific time.  It was one of those "wow" moments  where I knew in a deeper way that God formed me and purposed me and He made no mistakes and I was no "accident."  This also combined with sadness as I also found out that my mom had 4 miscarriages before my brother and I came along.  I couldn't help thinking "what if?" about those four lives.

Ah...the life of seeking after the heart of God.  Rich and full.

Love and Fear

Fear and Love.

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might...It is the Lord your God you shall fear...  Deuteronomy 6:4,13.

For the Lord your God is testing you, to know whether you love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul.  You shall walk after the Lord your God and fear Him and keep his commandments and obey his voice, and you shall serve him and hold fast to him.  Deuteronomy 13:3-4

Two examples reveal a truth that run though out the Bible.  Loving God and Fearing God go hand in hand.  They are irreversibly linked.

I know too the verses from 1 John:  There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.

How are the two reconciled?  How do I make sense of the relationship of love and fear?

The questions show something of my knowledge of God.  Or in reality my lack of knowledge.

God is awesome, not the light hearted "hey you got a new ipad, awesome."  No this awesome is about something that is indescribably bigger, stronger, holier, completely beyond me. 

I fear Him because He is great.  And part of that fear, the knowledge is of His fiercely, jealous love.  Jesus wants my heart alone.  If something or if I let someone or something else take the first place in my heart, Jesus is going to go after that.

I'm just in the beginning of the beginning of knowing what it means to fear the Lord. But I am convinced that as I learn the fear of the Lord, I am going to love Him more.

Awake

Shaking off sleep, I wander down to the kitchen for my body's motivator to be awake: coffee.

A whole new schedule, a whole new daily routine.  Spending many hours that used to be consumed by sleep are now filled with labor to make ends meet.  Shift work that causes a shift in lifestyle.

And yet as my body rouses, my spirit is already awake.  Thoughts of the One that has awakened my soul.  Jesus consumes my every waking hour and even the night with dreams, time that used to be consumed by compromise and endless distractions.

A shift of life awakened to the Lord, Yahweh, where nothing is untouched by Him.  And I am awake, without the grogginess.

 

Five minutes of unedited (and in this case sleep deprived) writing.  Join others at The Gypsy Mama as they write about: Awake.

Consecrated.

Tears flow.  Words I don't even understand with my mind flow from my lips as my spirit cries out to the deep of My Lord.

I long, I desire to go to the mountain.

And the prophetic words, are more than words, they are like a trumpet to my soul:

Come, come away!  Consecrate yourself unto Me.  In Me, find your desire and your hope, the fulfillment of everything you were created for.

And I am still reeling!

Tithing my time for prayer and worship= 2.5 hours a day. - Sarah Sun Kim

Everything Jesus does, He does as a servant. It is an act of humility. The only way Jesus can be king is when we let Him be our servant. -Stuart Greaves

The revelation of Jesus as Judge is a message of dignity, freedom and forgiveness. Trust Jesus with your case. He will never stop fighting for you. You can forget because Jesus never will.- Shelley Hundley

Night and day prayer is the only fitting response to the infinitely great God and His Son who is infinitely worthy. 24/7 prayer isn't a necessity. It is a constraint! - Allen Hood

I fast because God is so in love with me and I am painfully unaware. - Shelley Hundley

Don't sit on the sidelines watching others know and love Jesus. - Dwayne Roberts

If you love Me, deny yourself daily, pick up your cross and follow Me. The Bridegroom is the one who invites you into this. Love Himself who humbled Himself, is calling you to deny the things that get in the way of being with Jesus. - Misty Edward

Jesus is the Davidic king, establishing his throne forever, but He is so much more. He is divine. Lord is more than just the idea of a master. He is YAHWEH!. They had not just crucified messiah, they had crucified the LORD. - Steven Venable

The praying church is a singing church. The Bride of Christ will be known as a singing bride who sings back to Jesus.- Brian Kim

The womb is God's art studio. God wrote my novel and God does not write boring books - Lou Engle

When my mind, body and emotions want immorality and I say "no" because I love Jesus, He takes that personally. It moves Him. - Mike Bickle

The most transforming, exhilarating, motivating reality in the kingdom is Jesus Himself. -MB

One Word (or two words) from Onething

I was expectant.  I believed that God was going to do something.  Six months in, while God had done some work.  I knew that I had hidden in invisibility and it hindered me knowing that I was Beloved.  Even as I wrote my wrap up post for OneWord 2011 I could tell there was still something in me believing: I don't think I really know what being Beloved is.

And the last few days of 2011, Jesus overwhelmed me.  Among thousands of others at Onething2011, I encountered Jesus.  I know He loves me in a whole new way.  Psalm 139 being the powerful words my heart needed to hear.

I had the word dream on my mind for 2012 before I left for Kansas City.  To dream with Jesus about going to the darkest places and bringing the kingdom.  Interceding and talking about the creative ways that Yahweh wants to bring redemption.  Dream is still on my heart and I'm so ready to dream with Him.   But on the trip back, I had this fire in my chest and my belly. There were fifty people around me on the bus but all I could think about was Jesus.  I want the fire of my love for Jesus to grow, so my second word for 2012 is burn.

Ooo...I am so pumped for 2012!