Dreaming

Dreaming, seeking, wondering...

I keep thinking about what I want to see made a reality.  Things that have been on the list of impossible for years.  What I pray for that no one else knows.

My fingers trace over the words and names on a worn piece of notebook paper.  The cries of my heart.

I see them in my mind, I treasure them in my heart.  The promises of the One who never fails.

Terrifying and exhilarating is the knowledge that new prayers, dreams must be added.  They are bigger than the ones already on that list.  And God is the one inviting me to draw near and ask.

I want what HE wants.  Arising from the things that break His heart and that He has broken my heart with.

When and how are not mine to know.

I ask for the what, dream for the what, and trust God.

The God who made a 100 year old Abraham, and a 90 year old Sarah parents to the Nations.
The God who parted waters.
The God who lead in a whirlwind.
The God who defeated sin and death.
The God who promised life!

Dreaming...with the hope that if God drew me, redeemed me and is transforming me...He'll make good on His word.

Day 6: Jaded Beauty

Day 6 of 31.  Back at this series of posts on Beauty.

Has the world's definition of beauty ever jaded you?

I wasn't sure if jaded was the right word: worn out, broken.

But in considering the way that I lived my life in relationship to beauty, primarily as the world defined it

SOOO JADED...

The world's definitely wore me out and that was on top of the fact that I was already broken.  I was so worn out that I didn't even want to try.  So I didn't.  I remember that as a middle schooler I wore t-shirts two sizes bigger than I currently wear now (I was about 10 pounds heavier then...but really, I hid in my clothes)  And until college, I thought make-up was only for those women who were trying to hard.

Only as I started getting healing and restoration have I been able to embrace beauty in myself.  I can accept that I will never catch up to the world's definition of beauty.  But now I try, I try to accentuate the design God has given me.  I'm no fashionista but I have taken some tips on clothing, make-up and personal care.  I've asked the Holy Spirit to teach what it is to be adorned by a quiet and gentle spirit.  I can look in the mirror without cringing or searching critically for flaws.

I'm not worn out by chasing after an ever changing definition. Instead, I rest in God's definition of beauty.

Embracing Beauty

Five minutes of unedited (okay maybe I should admit to a few minuscule edits) writing on a topic.  This week's topic:

Beauty

GO:

Why am I not surprised? Well actually I'm chuckling.

Beauty has emerged in the last few months as something God really wants to talk to me about.

It is about how much He loves me and that He designed me.

The wierd thing is, I had settled somewhere in my mind that one didn't have to find themselves beautiful to appreciate beauty.  That may sound vain but what I am getting at is this:

The more I come to see and understand the beauty God made me with, the beauty He is restoring in the broken places, the more I see and embrace beauty in others.  Because I see with more clarity the very glory and beauty of God in things and especially in God's image bearers.

STOP

Designed with Destiny

I thought my chances were 1 in 200 but actually there was never a doubt.

It was destined.

I saw them hold up the package.  And there was a whisper, "This one."

Designed

[di zin] : intend something for particular use: to intend something for a particular purpose. Intended, meant, bound for, aimed at, predestined, preordained.

Being a created being, design is essential.  Each piece carefully selected and intended for a particular look and purpose.

What shakes me is that if this is true...doubting my beauty or choosing invisibility is separating me from my Creator.  It's the denial of His workmanship.  It isn't worship...it is sin.

Embracing my design leads me forward out of invisibility and into greater intimacy with God as I seek after and He reveals the parts of me that I've not always wanted or understood.  It's the moments where Jesus shows me something and I can only stop and go..."Oh... now I get that about me.  You did that on purpose."

Destiny

[déstinee]: inner realizable purpose of life: the inner purpose of a life that can be discovered and realized.  Fate, providence, future, purpose, intention, calling

Design meets destiny.  The design is done because there is an end to be met; so there is destiny.

As I understand more and more about God's intention and design the more I pick up pieces about my destiny.  Yes, the all-encompassing destiny of being in the presence of Glory, but even the details of my specific destiny.

Count me among those believe God does give specific revelation.  Pieces that have come together and some that remain only pieces at this time, until all things are revealed at the end.  Like these things...

Worshipping Intercession


Restoration House


The Nations

Transformed through light.  Timeless.

But all is coming from my Jesus who is redeeming the brokenness, invisibility, and transgressions which had marred my original design, just as He is doing for all of creation.

So if you need to be reminded, you were designed with care, with an intent to reflect the Glory of the Creator.  You have a destiny that will come out of your design.  And the humility needed to walk with that is that the transformation to walk in that destiny is only bestowed, by Yahweh.

So this picture is always on display should I forget

Catching Up

A whirlwind trip home later and I'm sitting here thinking, I've got so much to do, but yet I only have just over 2 months remaining in South Korea. 

REALLY?!

It's become hard to think of my time remaining in weeks and not months.  To think about saying goodbye to these kids, to the culture and environment that has been the context for training and transformation.

Picking up my whole life and moving again is daunting.

Sitting down with friends and family I realized that while returning home is a bigger leap of faith for me at this point than staying for another contract, there is no way, anyone is going to let me end up penniless and on the street (as long as I don't turn into a bum.).  

So now , I look forward dreaming of what God is leading me towards.  To take the steps forward, resting in the tenderness and love I have learned of my Heavenly Father.  To keep walking out of the invisibility I claimed as protection, into the strength and vulnerability of exactly who I am, seen, and on the front stage if that is what God calls me to.

So while at the moment, tests that need grading are calling my name, I look forward to delving into the stories of my trip and the heart themes that have been marinating.

• Denying beauty
• Not a stage hand
• Pressed
• International travel
• Weddings

Blogging Sabbatical

Well, I' m going to be missing from the blogosphere for a few weeks.

It's funny, I have so much to write, ideas popping up everywhere but I have to step away.  Partly due to computer issues: SEE...having to hold the power cord in a specific position and not move so that they batter will charge.  Which limits my time to just sit and stare at a blank post screen as I process my thoughts.  Thank goodness I have a new laptop waiting at home.

Speaking of home:  I'll be traveling back to the US for vacation. WHEEEE!!!!!

I'm so EXCITED!!!  Family, friends, and my brother's wedding!

I'm hoping and praying that time away will deepen and enrich and refine the many thoughts in my head and I can come back when life gets back to normal for my life in Korea.

See you on the other side!

This Ain't No Cakewalk

This week has been the spiritual equivalent of a MMA fight.

I've been punched, kicked, headlocked, and put in a submission hold.

Plans changed unexpectedly

People in my life got hurt 

A gift given was called, "Not enough."

More demanded when I already feel spent

This among what has generally been an atmosphere of conflict and pessimism.

The Enemy could smell weakness.  He had no intention of showing mercy.

Sending out a 911 prayer call to the people in my corner, knowing my heart was beat and it was like having a cut over my eye that Satan kept punching open.  From the haze, I saw clearly for one moment, enough to go where the Shelter was, to be suited up in the Armor of God.

So I went into the fight.  And I picked up my guitar.  I sang.  Declared His glory.  Singing of hope and the darkness trembled.  It couldn't stand where the Name of Jesus is lifted up.

And while the assault remains consistent.  My heart is in the fight, bruised, but trusting the faithful One.