Catching Up

A whirlwind trip home later and I'm sitting here thinking, I've got so much to do, but yet I only have just over 2 months remaining in South Korea. 

REALLY?!

It's become hard to think of my time remaining in weeks and not months.  To think about saying goodbye to these kids, to the culture and environment that has been the context for training and transformation.

Picking up my whole life and moving again is daunting.

Sitting down with friends and family I realized that while returning home is a bigger leap of faith for me at this point than staying for another contract, there is no way, anyone is going to let me end up penniless and on the street (as long as I don't turn into a bum.).  

So now , I look forward dreaming of what God is leading me towards.  To take the steps forward, resting in the tenderness and love I have learned of my Heavenly Father.  To keep walking out of the invisibility I claimed as protection, into the strength and vulnerability of exactly who I am, seen, and on the front stage if that is what God calls me to.

So while at the moment, tests that need grading are calling my name, I look forward to delving into the stories of my trip and the heart themes that have been marinating.

• Denying beauty
• Not a stage hand
• Pressed
• International travel
• Weddings

Blogging Sabbatical

Well, I' m going to be missing from the blogosphere for a few weeks.

It's funny, I have so much to write, ideas popping up everywhere but I have to step away.  Partly due to computer issues: SEE...having to hold the power cord in a specific position and not move so that they batter will charge.  Which limits my time to just sit and stare at a blank post screen as I process my thoughts.  Thank goodness I have a new laptop waiting at home.

Speaking of home:  I'll be traveling back to the US for vacation. WHEEEE!!!!!

I'm so EXCITED!!!  Family, friends, and my brother's wedding!

I'm hoping and praying that time away will deepen and enrich and refine the many thoughts in my head and I can come back when life gets back to normal for my life in Korea.

See you on the other side!

This Ain't No Cakewalk

This week has been the spiritual equivalent of a MMA fight.

I've been punched, kicked, headlocked, and put in a submission hold.

Plans changed unexpectedly

People in my life got hurt 

A gift given was called, "Not enough."

More demanded when I already feel spent

This among what has generally been an atmosphere of conflict and pessimism.

The Enemy could smell weakness.  He had no intention of showing mercy.

Sending out a 911 prayer call to the people in my corner, knowing my heart was beat and it was like having a cut over my eye that Satan kept punching open.  From the haze, I saw clearly for one moment, enough to go where the Shelter was, to be suited up in the Armor of God.

So I went into the fight.  And I picked up my guitar.  I sang.  Declared His glory.  Singing of hope and the darkness trembled.  It couldn't stand where the Name of Jesus is lifted up.

And while the assault remains consistent.  My heart is in the fight, bruised, but trusting the faithful One.

 

 

 

Letting Myself Lose

Five Minute Friday at the Gypsy Mama.  Five minutes of unedited writing.

GO:

I can't say that I am good with loss.  I've lost people, things, innocence, pieces of myself, even the sense of belonging.

Then in the quiet moments... everything crashes and I cry.  I finally grieve.

Once in my deepest sense loss, I cried out publically twice.  Once, with friends.  Once with family.

My friends let me cry.   They spoke comfort but they never tried to talk me out of crying or grieving.  One friend sat down on the floor where I collapsed and prayed over me.  In that, working though grief, through the loss, I found myself able to move toward worship.

My family tried to calm me.  They wanted me to stop crying.  I knew they were sharing my feelings of loss, but they didn't want to grieve.  They wanted to be okay without ever going though the process.  So they couldn't let me release my loss.

Interesting how that worked.  More for the principle about loss and grief that I have learned, than about the people who were around me.

When I accept loss, when I let it hurt, then God can come in and touch it, and lead me to worship and see who He is in the midst of pain.  When, I hold out, I wall up against the pain...I don't let God in, I don't worship...and I don't heal from what was lost.

STOP

When the Holy Spirit Makes Sure I Listen

Today, I'm the guest blogger over at Mary Katheryn's blog Beauty for Ashes as part of her Blogiversary


I chuckled and shook my head the other day as I read my friend's wall post on facebook.

Okay God, I'm starting to get it.

I've been wrestling with the subject of both my internal and external beauty as a woman.  It's been kinda rough.  And I have been resistant to believing what God says about me.

And like Jesus has done before with my wrestling about my singleness, my calling, my giftings, His love and kindness,and His sovereignty...He will make sure I listen one way or another.

Often it comes in the "stumbling" upon a scripture verse:

You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.  Song of Solomon 4:7.

Again...

Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life. Isaiah 43:4

and again...

For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying of my hands, for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

Through the songs in shuffling through my iPod:

I know You have come now even if write upon my heart; to remind me of who You are.

and again...

I finally found where I belong in Your presence.

and again..

I don't have time to maintain these regrets, when I think about the way... He loves us.

Other times it is the speaking of the still small voice:

I love that you have sought and know Me.  You do this because you have My love, not to earn My love.

and again...

And I do love you.  I created you.  I AM the Master Artist.  With Beauty.  Inside. Outside. Upside down. Backwards.  You have Beauty to offer, no matter how small it feels.

If I continue to be stubborn, the Holy Spirit calls in the special forces.  His messengers in human skin.

Know you are lovely and have inherent value. You are the only Melissa with your set up gifts, beauty, personality, demeanor, boldness, stubborness, femininity, tender heart!

and AGAIN...

I love your realness and search for truth before God. I love that you allow him to shape you how he wants to shape you and take you where he wants to take you... I love your sense of womanness in him!

God is persistent and His love endures forever. He will make sure I listen.  I sometimes think that I should be more receptive.  I should accept the first whispers and believe.  But I wonder sometimes if part of God's comprehensive approach is to surround me on all sides, to take down the years of defenses I put up and the lies that have controlled me...

...because God can do no less than envelop me in His love and declare that I am His Beloved.  

Unify Us

The church is made up of broken people needing Jesus.

Is is any wonder that we hurt each other constantly?

But Jesus said we would known as His disciples by our love for one another.

How are the two reconciled?

We need You Lord!

While we seek to walk in obedience, it is beyond ourselves to be unified.

We have to get beyond ourselves to be unified.

We have to go after Jesus.

Jesus said to love one another.

He didn't say this just to make us feel good about the people we already love.

He said it because He knew that we are so separated from each other.  But each person has something to give to the church.  Broken as we may be or because we are broken we have something to offer.  So loving means unity, communion.  As God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit are unified.  No hiding and no shooting at each other!

Paul wrote, "Bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ." and along with so many exhortations to love and care for one another, that we are  to be united in Christ, taking the gospel to all peoples.


I'm fairly certain that while Paul encouraged the churches for what they were doing well, he said many of these things because he knew that where there is a gathering of broken people needed the grace of God to live...well those people also need the grace of God to love one another.

We need the sanctifying love of God to lay down our offense at one another and embrace the cross that bore the penalty of sin, broke the flesh of Jesus that we might be healed and whole, and was soaked in the blood that brought the new covenant reconciling man and God.  These unite us when nothing else does.  And this is what carries the gospel forth to the ends of the earth.

Unify us.  Purify us.  So that we can change the world.

(Not the best quality but it was the only video of this song I could find)

Grateful because He's Faithful

GO:

Teaching six hours a day takes more out of me than the days that I worked eight hours doing manual labor.  To give that much to the kids takes so much from me.

And then there are all the ways that God is working on me through teaching and my experience here in Korea.  Life is all about learning everyday.  Dialogue with God about how teaching, the culture here, my own issues are all part of what He is doing.'

Some days, I want a mental health day.  I don't want to think.  I don't want to learn anything else.  I don't want to let anything else go.  I just want to be.

I'm grateful that God is faithful to keep taking me through it all.  He doesn't stop just because I want to.  He takes me further, when I'm dragging my feet and when I just can't make myself do it.  Jesus turns me to the cross.  To where, "It is finished." was uttered.  I'm grateful, that I can trust God, His whole character, and His ongoing work of redemption in me.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.  Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

STOP

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