Letting Myself Lose

Five Minute Friday at the Gypsy Mama.  Five minutes of unedited writing.

GO:

I can't say that I am good with loss.  I've lost people, things, innocence, pieces of myself, even the sense of belonging.

Then in the quiet moments... everything crashes and I cry.  I finally grieve.

Once in my deepest sense loss, I cried out publically twice.  Once, with friends.  Once with family.

My friends let me cry.   They spoke comfort but they never tried to talk me out of crying or grieving.  One friend sat down on the floor where I collapsed and prayed over me.  In that, working though grief, through the loss, I found myself able to move toward worship.

My family tried to calm me.  They wanted me to stop crying.  I knew they were sharing my feelings of loss, but they didn't want to grieve.  They wanted to be okay without ever going though the process.  So they couldn't let me release my loss.

Interesting how that worked.  More for the principle about loss and grief that I have learned, than about the people who were around me.

When I accept loss, when I let it hurt, then God can come in and touch it, and lead me to worship and see who He is in the midst of pain.  When, I hold out, I wall up against the pain...I don't let God in, I don't worship...and I don't heal from what was lost.

STOP

When the Holy Spirit Makes Sure I Listen

Today, I'm the guest blogger over at Mary Katheryn's blog Beauty for Ashes as part of her Blogiversary


I chuckled and shook my head the other day as I read my friend's wall post on facebook.

Okay God, I'm starting to get it.

I've been wrestling with the subject of both my internal and external beauty as a woman.  It's been kinda rough.  And I have been resistant to believing what God says about me.

And like Jesus has done before with my wrestling about my singleness, my calling, my giftings, His love and kindness,and His sovereignty...He will make sure I listen one way or another.

Often it comes in the "stumbling" upon a scripture verse:

You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.  Song of Solomon 4:7.

Again...

Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life. Isaiah 43:4

and again...

For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying of my hands, for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

Through the songs in shuffling through my iPod:

I know You have come now even if write upon my heart; to remind me of who You are.

and again...

I finally found where I belong in Your presence.

and again..

I don't have time to maintain these regrets, when I think about the way... He loves us.

Other times it is the speaking of the still small voice:

I love that you have sought and know Me.  You do this because you have My love, not to earn My love.

and again...

And I do love you.  I created you.  I AM the Master Artist.  With Beauty.  Inside. Outside. Upside down. Backwards.  You have Beauty to offer, no matter how small it feels.

If I continue to be stubborn, the Holy Spirit calls in the special forces.  His messengers in human skin.

Know you are lovely and have inherent value. You are the only Melissa with your set up gifts, beauty, personality, demeanor, boldness, stubborness, femininity, tender heart!

and AGAIN...

I love your realness and search for truth before God. I love that you allow him to shape you how he wants to shape you and take you where he wants to take you... I love your sense of womanness in him!

God is persistent and His love endures forever. He will make sure I listen.  I sometimes think that I should be more receptive.  I should accept the first whispers and believe.  But I wonder sometimes if part of God's comprehensive approach is to surround me on all sides, to take down the years of defenses I put up and the lies that have controlled me...

...because God can do no less than envelop me in His love and declare that I am His Beloved.  

Unify Us

The church is made up of broken people needing Jesus.

Is is any wonder that we hurt each other constantly?

But Jesus said we would known as His disciples by our love for one another.

How are the two reconciled?

We need You Lord!

While we seek to walk in obedience, it is beyond ourselves to be unified.

We have to get beyond ourselves to be unified.

We have to go after Jesus.

Jesus said to love one another.

He didn't say this just to make us feel good about the people we already love.

He said it because He knew that we are so separated from each other.  But each person has something to give to the church.  Broken as we may be or because we are broken we have something to offer.  So loving means unity, communion.  As God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit are unified.  No hiding and no shooting at each other!

Paul wrote, "Bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ." and along with so many exhortations to love and care for one another, that we are  to be united in Christ, taking the gospel to all peoples.


I'm fairly certain that while Paul encouraged the churches for what they were doing well, he said many of these things because he knew that where there is a gathering of broken people needed the grace of God to live...well those people also need the grace of God to love one another.

We need the sanctifying love of God to lay down our offense at one another and embrace the cross that bore the penalty of sin, broke the flesh of Jesus that we might be healed and whole, and was soaked in the blood that brought the new covenant reconciling man and God.  These unite us when nothing else does.  And this is what carries the gospel forth to the ends of the earth.

Unify us.  Purify us.  So that we can change the world.

(Not the best quality but it was the only video of this song I could find)

Grateful because He's Faithful

GO:

Teaching six hours a day takes more out of me than the days that I worked eight hours doing manual labor.  To give that much to the kids takes so much from me.

And then there are all the ways that God is working on me through teaching and my experience here in Korea.  Life is all about learning everyday.  Dialogue with God about how teaching, the culture here, my own issues are all part of what He is doing.'

Some days, I want a mental health day.  I don't want to think.  I don't want to learn anything else.  I don't want to let anything else go.  I just want to be.

I'm grateful that God is faithful to keep taking me through it all.  He doesn't stop just because I want to.  He takes me further, when I'm dragging my feet and when I just can't make myself do it.  Jesus turns me to the cross.  To where, "It is finished." was uttered.  I'm grateful, that I can trust God, His whole character, and His ongoing work of redemption in me.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.  Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

STOP

Joining others at The Gypsy Mama for :

Day 5 ~ Write a blog thanking someone who has made your heart come alive

Oh sister...how many times did we sit across the table from each other, draining lattes, doing church, laughing and fighting for each others' hearts?  

You knew my hurts, and you spoke words of life and prayed for healing.

You knew the disease that was becoming debilitating me, and you wouldn't let me give up.

You knew my dreams, and you encouraged me to chase after them, even though it meant being thousands of miles away.

You knew my weakness, and you pointed me to Jesus every time.

 Karissa, I've told you before that I am thankful for you, for who you are.  You carry this life and joy around with you.  Your smile is contagious and you see the beauty in every person.  You are this creative person, who pours that into worship.  You want to bring life and beauty  to those around you.  And you've done that. 

 You listened, you interpreted my mess of thoughts, and you told me the truth.  And as you shared your story with me, I found life too.  I learned about myself, that God has called me a warrior, and in you letting me fight for you too, my heart came alive in Jesus.  As you talked about chasing after God and not letting go, I saw what life was possible for me to, if I would chase after Jesus, with all me; the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Day 4~ Post a Picture of You in Your Favorite Outfit

I am not a fashionista.  I am learning to like shopping and develop a style that is me.  I've discovered I do like a variety of color after a period of years that blue and gray dominated my wardrobe (with splashes of purple because of school colors).  Now my contextual mind couldn't pick a single favorite outfit.  So I went with three and I will explain what is up.

Whether at night after work, for sleeping or when I am lounging around in the mornings (I start work at 1pm), shorts and a t-shirt or tank is my favorite choice.  In particular, I found this specific tank in Korea and bought 3 because I love how they fit and the material feels.  And these shorts...well they may or may not be from freshman year of high school.  They are so comfortable!

This outfit currently is in reserve since now the temperatures are regularly in the 80's with 75% or higher humidity.  I love jeans and layering shirts.  This flannel shirt, I got just before coming to Korea and it is definitely is one of my favorites.  Its just me, color and style.  The jeans were a major consignment store find.  Fit awesome and at $12 bucks, makes them that much more awesome.

 Okay so, living in Korea has done one major thing to my wardrobe:  I wear skirts 3-4 days a week.  Partially because it looks more professional for work, but also because, I do feel more feminine and beautiful (well, except that I wear Underarmour shorts under all my skirts.), and maybe because it is stinking hot in the academy which skirts make a little more bearable.  I can't remember where I picked up the orange shirt but love it!

Day 3 ~ Who is some one you know who inspires beauty?

Sittin'. Talking 'bout Jesus.  It's what we do.  Sharing thoughts, dreams and passions.

 I have to say that you, miss AZ, inspire beauty in those around you.  You definitely have for me.

Annie is a woman who went after dreams.  She had the faith to go to places that I'm still learning to go.  She took the brokenness she had and it became the foundation of a lifestyle and a ministry all about loving the lost and the broken, bringing beauty where there were ashes.  

Annie sees the beauty in people that others tend to miss, and if she sees the beauty, she'll tell you about it.  Her words tell the stories that sometimes we all really need to hear. She loves people and it seems that her gift  is telling people that who they are is beautiful and there is something so beautiful in pursuing what makes them come alive.  

And that brokenness is thread in a tapestry that makes the full work beautiful and complete.