Shaking Off the Dust

Once more I find myself facedown in the dirt.  Covered in dust so completely, it is impossible to imagine being clean.  Sin has made its way back in, the past sitting on my back, pressing me into the earth.

Awake!  Arise!

I hear the call.  I lift my head, dirt caked in my mouth, burning in my eyes and nose.  And I see sandled feet walking towards me.

Arise, my Beloved.

How can I get up...again?  There is this weight, and I'm covered in dirt and shame.

Arise.  Put on your strength.  Loose these bonds around your neck.

He now stands before my head.  He reaches down, and helps me as I rise to stand.  He takes the retched millstone and casts it aside.  Relief floods my body and I begin to hope...maybe this time is different.

You were sold for nothing and you shall be redeemed without cost. 

Shake off the dust.

Put on your beautiful garments.

I look at His face as He speaks these words which hold no comtempt and I see no distain. 

He puts His hands on my shoulders and I look down and suddenly I realize, I'm clean.  Replacing the dusty, rags are royal garments of white, purple and gold.

I jerk my head back up in amazement and He's smiling.

Come and be seated, by my side.

Being Seen

Walking along the river back to my apartment, talking with Jesus, and the subject settled on that I have a hard time looking people in the face.

I can talk and talk and talk, about deep and vulnerable things but I only feel completely exposed when I look someone in the face, in the eyes.  So even just walking down the street, meeting someone elses gaze can feel absolutely terrifying.

What's even more confusing is that I am a people watcher and people reader.  I do that, when I myself, get so uptight when I know I am being watched or someone is trying to read my face.

I want to be seen.  I want to be known.  My face gives away more than even my words.  With my words, I know I can still form, some of what people percieve of me.  Even, if you look at my face while I am talking, I will stare at anything else.  Because, I know I can't hide what is shown in my eyes, and I part of me is scared to see your reaction to me.  I don't want to be rejected.

One of the most profound things Jesus has ever spoken to my heart is:

"Watch my eyes."

It's that place where I am totally exposed.  But the more I look into His eyes as I pray, I believe what He says about me.  I look and I see that He means it when He says,

You shall be a crown of beauty in the hand of the Lord, and a royal diadem in the hand of your God.  You shall no more be termed Forsaken and your land shall no more be termed Desolate, but you shall be called My Delight is in Her... Isaiah 62:4

This isn't the only promise and piece of the heart of God, but it is one that hits at my deepest fear.  That I am nothing to be desired.

I'm still learning to look, and learning to let myself be seen.  And lately, I've been averting my eyes.  But, to know Jesus and that I am BELOVED...

I need to just stare.

Snow Makes Me Smile

It seems recently that every time I get into an in depth time of prayer and journaling, it starts to snow.  The first time, I saw it, I stared and then slowly a smile broke over my face.  Now, each time the snow starts falling as I sit with my Father, I can't help but laugh for joy.  Its the reminder of this:

"...though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool..."  Isaiah 1:18

Its a statement by my Father, that I have been made new, by the blood of the Lamb, the only one worthy to bear the sin of the world.  And it is His declaration that He delights to do this very thing, because God loves His kids. 

Being Rachel

So if you know my name you're going, "What is she talking about? Her name is Melissa. Why is the title, "Being Rachel?" Long story. Here's the short version.

About 3 years ago I was praying and reading in Isaiah 62 where God says, "The nations will see your vindication,and all kings your glory;you will be called by a new name that the mouth of the LORD will bestow." I just simply asked God if He had given me a new name.

A few hours after that I was talking with a friend and she began to pray for me. As she prayed for me, she kept calling me Rachel. She had no idea about my previous prayer, and I was just stunned.

I've been asking God in the time since then why Rachel? In the beginning I really saw it as a reflectin on Rachel being a shepherd.  I was learning that I cared so deeply for others' hearts and that they were being drawn closer to God.

But this was the easy conclusion.  God meant something else by it. 

Rachel is Jacob's beloved.  He does some crazy things for her even on first sight.  Even after being tricked into marrying Leah, seven years more of labor for Rachel was like a day because of Jacob's love for her.

I'm staring at this story thinking to myself, "WHOA! Backup God!  There isn't a man chasing me down like this, so why are you going there?

Fast forward two years of denials and searching for other answers and I'm finally starting to get it.

It's God who loves me jealously. 

I'm not talking about "God is my boyfriend" romantic love.  That's weird.  No this is about God showing me how Jesus has pursued me to make me a part of His bride.  That as I typically did, I saw myself as Leah: unlovable, not beautiful, was to deny the love of my creator.  To say that even though He created me, I wasn't good enough to be loved unconditionally by Him.  Satan loved that I lived as rejected, when Jesus was calling me Beloved and Beautiful.

God has done some crazy things to win my heart.  And I am starting to listen to His voice on this.

One Word 2011

In 2010, I took up challenge so to speak to pick a one word focus for the year. I chose the word COURAGE. It became more than just a mantra or resolution. It was a focus word that reminded me to trust God for the very courage I needed to take another breath and another step.

Often combined with this was Joshua 1:9
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened and do not be dismayed for the Lord your God is with with you wherever you go."

In day after day, I found myself walking in courage that God provided through obstacles of pain and fear that would have left me paralyzed in the past. I couldn't just muster up the courage, it had to come from Him, because even as I did things, fear would press in hard. In obedience and trust I found freedom and joy.

So this year, I'm joining others again to pick a one word focus for 2011.

As I have interacted with God especially in the last two months after landing in South Korea, a couple of words have come to mind over and over again. They are pointing out how I limit and deny God's love and affection for me.  I so easily accept words of rejection and self-hatred and deny the love of God that would drive away the very darkness I hate, but has been there so long that it is scary to let go of.

Because what I believe about God and what He thinks about me impacts everything I do, I need to let this be my focus.   To let  God speak over and over again  His love until it breaks into my heart, and drives away the lies of the enemy that keep me from obeying the first two commandments: To love God with all of my being, and to love others.  Cause if I don't believe that God loves me, its impossible to abandon myself fully to Him in love, and its even more impossible to love all the imperfect people around me.  Jesus words in John 17: 23 show the love that God wants me to know and experience.

" I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me."

So this year my word is:

BELOVED

Irrational Fear?

What do you do when you find yourself afraid of something you can not see or define? How about as a child with no framework for understanding such a fear? It looks like an irrational fear to everyone else around you. Something childish that you just need to get over.

I was there. For the first time, I went beyond merely saying that I was an anxious child. I sought out the source of anxiety. Even now I cannot definitively say what caused the anxiety that drove me to insomnia. Was there nothing really to be afraid of? When asked, I would say that there was nothing bothering me, but settled into bed, I would lie awake for hours, the fear welled up with in me.

What I can say is that I feared that I was not protected or worth protection. This is not to say that I wasn't. My parents were concerned and trying to figure out why I was so freaked out. Because I couldn't understand it or explain it, I just held onto the burden.

I continued to hold on to burdens. But deep within that heaviness came a constant statement, "You'll never be enough." So I hated myself. I hated my weakness. My desire to prove I was strong enough, coupled with intense anxiety of failure, left me paralyzed and with a very tough exterior. A very independent, driven person, whose real desire was to be known and cared for, but to afraid to let anyone in.

I still fight with the thought that I am never enough. Right now, this is so appearant as I am learning a new situation, a new culture, a new job. I make more mistakes everyday than I want to count, and I wonder, "Is just me, enough?" A shared this whole scenario with a friend and they wrote back to me: "that my gifts, personality, beauty, demeanor, stubborness, boldness, and tender heart, " are what make me perfect for the situation I find myself in. That how God designed me was intended for this very place and time. (Ephesians 2:10) When the kids are screaming in Korean and I feel I have lost all control, I have to wonder. But as I talked to God over that description, I got the sense He said, "Its all true, and I'm really glad she used the word stubborn. Before you were formed in your mother's womb, I knew you"

So here I sit, in the midst of asking and seeking, am I enough? What belies that question of fear is, did God make a mistake in how I was formed? So again it comes back to trusting that God is everything and that I am enough because He has made me.

I hesitate even writing this because, I'm afraid that my writing isn't good enough, or that people will walk away as I share my weaknesses.

The Riches

I was recently discussing how in Jesus' ministry on earth, he called his disciples to be prepared to sell their possessions, to follow Him rather than family, to rely on the generosity of God through men, rather than their own material wealth. (This person also joked about posting all my possesions on E-bay for me.)

Most of us resist selling out. I know I do. I worked, I earned, I deserve my wage.

But that selfish, prideful attitude does two things. It hardens me to the needs of others...and it prevents me from receiving the riches of God.

One look at the first chapter of Ephesians and this is so evident: ... blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing...forgiven our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace, which He lavished on us...we have obtained an inheritance...sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance...that you may know the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe...

These are true riches: Spiritual blessing, forgiveness, adoption, an eternal inheritance from God the Father, hope, His power at work for me.

Worldly wealth and possessions are good when invested in the kingdom of God, but when I cling to them for security rather than God's eternal riches, I will always be disappointed. Plus clinging to them pulls me away from the heart of God.

Father, cause me to be content in what ever state of worldly wealth I find myself in, knowing that You are the giver of all things. May everything I have been given be invested, by faith, in Your kingdom, trusting that You will always provide for me from Your storehouses. Amen