Irrational Fear?

What do you do when you find yourself afraid of something you can not see or define? How about as a child with no framework for understanding such a fear? It looks like an irrational fear to everyone else around you. Something childish that you just need to get over.

I was there. For the first time, I went beyond merely saying that I was an anxious child. I sought out the source of anxiety. Even now I cannot definitively say what caused the anxiety that drove me to insomnia. Was there nothing really to be afraid of? When asked, I would say that there was nothing bothering me, but settled into bed, I would lie awake for hours, the fear welled up with in me.

What I can say is that I feared that I was not protected or worth protection. This is not to say that I wasn't. My parents were concerned and trying to figure out why I was so freaked out. Because I couldn't understand it or explain it, I just held onto the burden.

I continued to hold on to burdens. But deep within that heaviness came a constant statement, "You'll never be enough." So I hated myself. I hated my weakness. My desire to prove I was strong enough, coupled with intense anxiety of failure, left me paralyzed and with a very tough exterior. A very independent, driven person, whose real desire was to be known and cared for, but to afraid to let anyone in.

I still fight with the thought that I am never enough. Right now, this is so appearant as I am learning a new situation, a new culture, a new job. I make more mistakes everyday than I want to count, and I wonder, "Is just me, enough?" A shared this whole scenario with a friend and they wrote back to me: "that my gifts, personality, beauty, demeanor, stubborness, boldness, and tender heart, " are what make me perfect for the situation I find myself in. That how God designed me was intended for this very place and time. (Ephesians 2:10) When the kids are screaming in Korean and I feel I have lost all control, I have to wonder. But as I talked to God over that description, I got the sense He said, "Its all true, and I'm really glad she used the word stubborn. Before you were formed in your mother's womb, I knew you"

So here I sit, in the midst of asking and seeking, am I enough? What belies that question of fear is, did God make a mistake in how I was formed? So again it comes back to trusting that God is everything and that I am enough because He has made me.

I hesitate even writing this because, I'm afraid that my writing isn't good enough, or that people will walk away as I share my weaknesses.

The Riches

I was recently discussing how in Jesus' ministry on earth, he called his disciples to be prepared to sell their possessions, to follow Him rather than family, to rely on the generosity of God through men, rather than their own material wealth. (This person also joked about posting all my possesions on E-bay for me.)

Most of us resist selling out. I know I do. I worked, I earned, I deserve my wage.

But that selfish, prideful attitude does two things. It hardens me to the needs of others...and it prevents me from receiving the riches of God.

One look at the first chapter of Ephesians and this is so evident: ... blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing...forgiven our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace, which He lavished on us...we have obtained an inheritance...sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance...that you may know the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe...

These are true riches: Spiritual blessing, forgiveness, adoption, an eternal inheritance from God the Father, hope, His power at work for me.

Worldly wealth and possessions are good when invested in the kingdom of God, but when I cling to them for security rather than God's eternal riches, I will always be disappointed. Plus clinging to them pulls me away from the heart of God.

Father, cause me to be content in what ever state of worldly wealth I find myself in, knowing that You are the giver of all things. May everything I have been given be invested, by faith, in Your kingdom, trusting that You will always provide for me from Your storehouses. Amen

What To Do With Mistakes

I hate making mistakes and I am far harder on myself about the mistakes than anyone else is. Sometimes though I project God's disappointment on my mistakes. Its as though because I failed, I screwed up what God wanted to do. This becomes a crushing weight, a tenseness that leaves me on the edge, waiting for retribution.

That is shame. And Jesus is the last person who would shame me. God knew my mistakes before they ever happened. Every weakness, careless mistake and sin.

I'm not discounting sin. I know the weight of sin cost Jesus everything. There are consequences to my choices. But the difference is that I do not bear the wrath of sin anymore. That is what I fear most.

Instead the Author and Perfecter of my faith has said that: "

For it was fitting that he, for whom and by whom all things exist, in bringing many sons to glory, should make the founder of their salvation perfect through suffering. For he who sanctifies and those who are sanctified all have one source. That is why he is not ashamed to call them brothers...Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, he himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery ~ Hebrews 2:10-11,14-15

Jesus is not ashamed of me. He defeated the one who used the fear of death to hold me in shame and slavery.

So do I allow myself to stand in the unbelievable grace that led me share in His glory?

At the moment, not so much. I think I made an oversight on something important. I haven't been able to find out if I actually made a blunder or not, but I feel crushed by the thought of it.

So I pray: Jesus have mercy on me. Reveal again the truth of Your love that paid for this.

Humility

I wrote in a blurb for the program for my master's hooding ceremony that I learned from Jesus that the degree meant nothing if I didn't have the character to back it up.

My own words are pointing a finger at me.

I'm educated. I have material possessions. I know people who can help me find employment in my field.

AND I rely far to often on those things rather than on Jesus.

My life and my work is not about serving myself. Maybe I am far too idealistic, but if what I do is only to serve me by making money to support a comfortable, easy lifestyle, I fail to walk as Jesus did. I become selfish, prideful and self centered.

Yes, I have physical needs. But Jesus said, "seek first the kingdom and all these things will be given to you as well."

I need to trust those words. Even when I have been called foolish or even childish for some of my choices. I face reality but I also walk in faith knowing that I have to trust Jesus to cover me on all sides, as life and the enemy takes shots at me.

This isn't just about going to Korea, (I can make no judgements at those God places strategically in the States to risk, and bring about His kingdom. He called me out. For what reasons, some I still don't understand) I choose to live outside my comfort zone. Its a lifestyle.

And it makes no sense outside of relationship with Jesus.

The Interim and The Story

Hey All!

I'm currently sitting in a coffeeshop. Not all that surprising, I know, but the location is different than my normal Brookings locale. I'm in Indianola, IA, staying with my parents until my paperwork for my teaching visa to South Korea comes through. I'm waiting for my visa number to come back from my employer in Korea so that I can go to Chicago to interview in person at the Korean Consulate to confirm the visa. Yes, this is a wonderful hoop-jumping process but I also realize that the process protects all parties involved.

I'm thankful for the interim to get some rest but I'm also kind of restless. The time has also allowed for some processing. I have had several people ask me in the last week how exactly I landed on teaching English for a year in South Korea. Its a interesting story as I think about it.

I think it started the summer of 2007 as I returned from the Philippines. Sitting in the airport in Incheon while changing planes, I remember saying to myself that I would like come to Korea sometime and see more than just the airport.

I can't remember when it was. Either that fall or the fall of 2008, I heard a message on God's heart for the nations. I had been to another nation in the Name of Jesus but starting that night God became moving my heart to go among the nation and began defeating my prideful ethnocentrism.

Fast forward to the summer of 2009. I was beginning to pray in earnest for God to point me in the direction He wanted me to go following graduation from grad school in May. Deep in my Spirit I could sense God leading overseas, but financially and logically it didn't make much sense to go. I should wait until I had worked a few years in the states first.

The nagging call kept pushing on my heart as I was working on my thesis. My research proved how important my passion for physical activity and wellness were but there was not peace in my heart about applying for physical education positions after graduation.

Then in October, during a campus-wide human trafficking awareness week, the Holy Spirit moved and revealed a plan to send me overseas, specifically to South Korea. Some of the most intense and heavy human trafficking takes place in Asia. As I was falling asleep Wednesday night, wrapped up in the covers, I could hear cries, and I knew God was opening my eyes to what victims of human trafficking fell asleep to: cold, no comfort, only tears.

I was devastated. I cried and I begged God to show me what He wanted me to do. How could I do nothing while I knew so many were enslaved? There had to be a next step to training in being a warrior for the Gospel and seeing people of the earth redeemed and set free. The next night He unveiled His plan.

I was explaining to a friend what I had been experiencing during the week. He looked me straight in the eyes and asked me, "So what are you going to do about it?" I paused and then the Spirit revealed to me as I spoke to my two friends there: I wanted to go to South Korea to teach english for a year. To be immersed in an Asian culture, as training for whatever God had for me after that. (South Korea came up for a couple reasons: It was a place where I had a friend already so I knew how the system kind of worked, and it was a place where I knew my experience would be sheltered by the Body of Christ as S. Korea has a great church presence and many with English speaking services and congregations.)

I was convinced this was the next step, yet in late December I began wondering as my physical health started a deep decline. While the muscular dystrophy that ran in my family, had weakened my muscles and left me sore and fatigued most days, what happened was beyond the realm of that disease. It started with swelling in my knees and ankles. I went to put on some dress boots for a friend's grandfather's funeral right after Christmas and it was almost impossible to get them zipped up. Then the pain came. First in one knee, then both knees, then both knees and an ankle then both knees and both ankles. Even a wrist and elbow began to have some pain. I couldn't fully bend or extend either leg. I could only wear flat shoes because of pain and balance. I was having to wake up 30 minutes early to try to ice my knees and ankles and because it was just taking me that much longer to move to ready myself in the morning. Some mornings I would try to stand getting out of bed only to fall back losing balance, and every morning facing sharp pain just standing.

I doubted that Korea was a good choice anymore. There was no way I could teach standing for hours a day in a high pressure culture, feeling like I did. I woke the morning that I was to complete my final draft of my thesis to sumbit to my committee. I could barely move. It was the worst day of pain yet. I was tired of the excessive amounts of ibprophen I was taking to try to soothe the pain, but I had to take more to get moving to finish the paper. I managed to get to Cottonwood and start in on edits. Karissa came in and noticed the strain on my face. We talked and she told me about Dr. Allard who practices alternative medicine. At that point I was willing to try anything that didn't involve prescription pain killers (I don't react well to them).

After a few days of contemplation, I called to make an appointment. Karissa came too and we drove down together. I'll admit it was a little strange but after two appointments, I was no longer taking any more than 2 ibprophen a day. I knew I had the green light to move forward with Korea even with some residual pain.

So God continued to prepare my heart as I began getting in contact with recruiting agencies and working on gathering all the necessasry paperwork. Into the summer, the one agency I worked with had plenty of jobs, but after applying for each one, I would hear nothing until I contacted them again to apply for a different job. So I contacted the man in the states that recruited teachers for the school that my had worked for. After an inital interview, he said he would like to work with me but he did not currently have any openings.

Doubt tried crushing me. I wondered how long I was supposed to keep pursuing Korea before moving on to finding a job in the US. At the beginning of July, David contacted me again saying a position had come open unexpectedly. I interviewed, was offered and accepted a job at the Yeong Kang Academy.

So this is where I am now. Waiting for visa paperwork to be processed. Even this step has been a longer waiting process than I anticipated but for what has transpired, I know and am convinced that His timing is perfect and I can trust Him for all things. I am preparing for a year of work but also a year of training. To God be the glory! May His kingdom reign in Me!

Breaking this down is hard. A revelation of the past has left me dumbfounded. I want to know who is to blame and how justice can be served.

And yet Jesus knows me too well. I cannot in my own mind, my own flesh reconcile every single piece of this devastating event of the past. Instead, He pulls me nearer and speaks to my heart:

"So My power may rest on you. You don't have to do anything to reconcile this but just ask. I made all atonement for your sin and I will carry out full justice on the unrepentant. No, what happened was not fair. Let Me stand in the gap and fight the battle that only I could win. And I did win. Walk in the victory and freedom of life that I have abundantly given you. Plus don't miss this: You will testify and be my messenger of grace. Be the vessel. Stand as Mine, Beloved."

Gut Level Compassion

I know what it is like to feel the kind of love and compassion that literally I can feel in my innards. Its not a sick to the stomach feeling but rather a kind of tension that makes me need to grunt in response. No lie.

I know it sounds weird but even in the Bible it talks about the guts being the seat of the emotions.

Picking up on some generational "curses" and sins at a recent family gathering, led to a very gut wrenching trip home. There are so many events and experinces that have shaped my family members that I don't know or understand. It leaves me broken for them. I long for them to be free of the chains that keep them in hiding. And I long for them to walk in the life offered by Jesus rather than the death of a self-sufficient, Godless life.

I pray and it only comes in groans. I have been wounded deeply by some of them, but my eyes now see the attacks of Satan and the defensiveness of ones also deeply wounded. How I pray for the cycles to stop! Lord, please, let it end with me!