Beloved: Repentance

Being Beloved needs an understanding of the authority I am under and that I have because Jesus has bestowed it on me.

Being Beloved carries the weight that God has placed a calling on me life.  One that is unique to who He created me to be.  It is also the place where God reaches into my heart to reveal His heart.

But after a week of daily grind, sickness, disappointment, I threw His love and "Beloved" away from myself.  I rejected His love in a tantrum.  I took up old habits of comfort.  Ones that I am ashamed of.

And I was reminded that I am still Beloved...as He spoke my name, and asked me to look into His face.  My actions cannot nullify His faithfulness to me.  They don't void the mercy and grace He bought for me.

So from my childish position on the floor in angry tears...He showed me to the cross.  Back to the place where Jesus poured out His love...and I turned.

I turned to face the one who saw His perfect union with Father broken, so that I may be united with them.  He was rejected, so that I could turn back.  Repentance is turning back to the One who loves me.  Opening up His heart to me so that every...time... I...repent.  He. Is. Waiting. For. Me.

Stream of Consciousness

I feel like there is a cinder block sitting on my chest.  It might be the cold I'm battling, but it is more likely the weight of a sudden change of plans...ones that don't just changes days but years.  It isn't my decision, but depending on God's timing:  it changes everything.

Just the way the phone call ended tonight, I only want to sit here in silence.  

Sit in God's presence, where I don't feel like the ground is shaking.

Goodnight.

Out of the Shadows

Most of us had been living the shadows for a long time, but it wasn't like we had a community there.  We stayed separately in our own dark misery.  We lived in proximity of each other, because no one wanted us around.  The black sheep so to speak.

Then He showed up.  We didn't know what to make of Him.  He would seek us out in our dark alley caves, just to talk.  He'd tell us about His father the King, and that the King wanted us to come to Him.

Some cursed Him and told Him to shove off, and they would turn away.  A few of us, with a spark of hope that someone might actually call us out of this place, started to meet with Him each night.  We asked questions.  He told us stories.  Even in our shadows, there was light, and we shared our darkness, but with Him, there wasn't condemnation, but a call forward.  

Then one night, he said, "Tomorrow I am returning to My Father.  I want you to come with Me."

Hearing stories are one thing but now we all had to make a decision.  I got up and walked away from the circle, stunned.  My thoughts raced, "Is this King for real?  Can He really make a new life for me out of the Shadows?" 

I heard Him walk up behind me, as I stood staring out toward the palace, that I always thought was unattainable.

"You know you don't want to stay here.  It will always be hard to believe that the King would call His greatest servants from the dark places."

He put His hands on my shoulders, and my heart let go of its reservations, and I admitted, "This is all I have ever known.  And I know it is not what I want, but being here so long has taught me not to hope."

As tears began streaming down my face, He pulled me into an embrace, whispering into my ear, "I love you, and I delight to show you My Father's Kingdom.  He's real and waiting for you."

We walked back to the rest of the group, everyone excited but nervous.  For the first time, we stayed together that night, no one returned to their own place, but fell asleep wondering what the next day would bring.  In our little circle in the darkness, with Him, it actually looked brighter.

Dawn came, change was upon us.  He told us to pack nothing.  Everything we would need would be provided.  Again, some of us felt the chains to this place, but trusting in this One who loved us, we obeyed and followed as He led us towards the King.  

The farther we trekked the lighter it became.  None of us realized until we started coming out from the shadows, the heaviness of that place.  Slowly smiles came on our faces, which turned into laughter.  

People watched as we made our way past.  Some rolled their eyes at our unkempt bunch, others smiled knowingly; we were on the way to see the King, a place they had once stood before.

A different, glorious weight fell upon us as we approached the gate.  The guard saw us coming and shouted a joyful greeting to our Leader, "So the Son returns with lost sheep!  Your Father is waiting in the throne room."

The two embraced like old friends, and we could only marvel as He whispered something to the guard, and then slipped a pouch into his hand.  The old man smiled and choked out, "Grace upon grace!"

As we journeyed forward, awe fell on us at the beauty of the palace.  Our eyes had never see such incredible things.  It only seemed to grow more majestic as we went farther in.  A kind of dread fell on us.  We knew what He had said about His Father's love but the grandeur was more and more intimidating, as we wore only the threadbare clothes we own.

We approached a large entryway and we heard a trumpet call, and a thunderous but warm voice say, "COME."

He went before us and knelt at the throne.  We all dropped to our faces.  My heart was pounding in my chest, certain that death was immanent.

"Son, welcome home."

At these words, I dared to look up again.  The King caught my gaze and before I jerked my head back down, I saw the tenderness in His eyes.  "Rise beloved.  Everyone stand up.  You have the rightful place to stand in this throne room.  My son has purchased that for you."

Standing up, we saw that our old dirty clothes had been replaced by clean, white robes.  On the Man's hands I saw the scars for the first time.  It was clear the sacrifice He had made that we could be here.

Amazed, the King walked up to each one, speaking quietly into each person's ear.  I was the last.  He placed His hands on my shoulders, leaned in, and said, " Beloved, there is no condemnation, no shame.  You now have both and inheritance and an authority in My Kingdom.  For a time you will remain here and learn My Kingdom, be with me, then I will send you as I sent My Son.  You will bring others back.  This is the new life I offer you, will you accept it?"


Humbled and assured, I nodded my head.  I took my place.

I glanced up from the fire and studied each of the other faces in the circle.  Each one sat silently.  I told my story and I knew that some of these would return to the palace with me in time.  Others would reject the King and slink back into the dark recesses, either way, I was new, and filled by His love for me as I told of the day that I was brought out of the shadows.

Flashes of Light

My friend Becca loves thunderstorms.  She loves watching the lightning as it flashes across the sky.

We've had a couple adventures together in storms.  One was an incredible storm that we navigated through in a car.  As we drove, the storm was always ahead of us, behind us, or on either side of us.  At first it was west and ahead of us as we drove north.  We turned into the west, but now it was ahead and on either side of us.  We turned back north and now it was on every side.  But we never were directly under the storm.  Lightning flashing everywhere.

Then in the second to last time that I saw Becca before I left for Korea, we sat in the parking lot of her apartment, watching the storm, talking about life and what was ahead of both of us.

As we watched those displays of power, there was awe...and peace.

At this also my heart trembles and leaps out of its place. Keep listening to the thunder of his voice and the rumbling that comes from his mouth. Under the whole heaven he lets it go,and his lightning to the corners of the earth. After it his voice roars; he thunders with his majestic voice, and he does not restrain the lightnings when his voice is heard. God thunders wondrously with his voice; he does great things that we cannot comprehend. Job 37:2-5

We could see the power in the storm.  The light illuminated the space around us and the thunder shook the ground.  And it was like God was speaking to us as we talked about the future:

I AM powerful.  Have no fear of the days to come.  I will speak, and I will light up the path, if only in flashes and pieces.

Beloved: Calling

But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. Isaiah 43:1


The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O LORD, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands. Psalm 138:8


In this year of Beloved, I have been memorizing scripture, that impress on me the ways God loves me.  Isaiah 43:1 and Psalm 138:8 are two of the verses I have memorized so far, and I begin to see how God's love for me includes a calling and purpose that is distinctly mine.


And this morning while sitting in my favorite coffee shop (Yedam Coffee...yep), I was reading Ephesians 2 and I just stopped.

And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body^[ and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

I was redeemed with purpose in mind.  God loved me showing His kindness me and seating me at His right hand with Authority and then calling me with purpose to do good works.  Works that God prepared for me...to love others in the ways that Jesus loved me.  That as I love others...I get to experience God's more.


And I don't get to pigeon hole myself on how I serve, because the Holy Spirit is good at all the gifts and God loves me fully in every way.  But there are definitely the times that God designs specifically for me to love Him back and love His church that feel like a hug from Jesus.  

Why I Love People's Love Stories

Some of my friends have the most amazing love stories.  They are not fairy tales, but they are awesome.

One dear friend got married this weekend and some couples have been married for years, weathering life's storms together

I love having witnessed the love between them.

I'm humbled by the love they share with one another.

It raises hope in me. 

It makes me smile when I get to see the moments they share that demonstrate the uniqueness of their relationship.

To know that love is a verb, and love is laying down your life for another.

It's no coincidence that God uses the relationship between husband and wife to describe Christ in the church. It's meant to be an intimate, life-giving relationship like none other.  Because we are creative works of our Creator, what brings life to each individual is different.  And while I'm not sure I believe there is a unique "one and only" for each person, I believe the sovereignty of God dictates that He knows exactly what we will need.

Not just what we need during the dating and engagement period, but the person we will need through out the seasons of life.  So as each story is written, it is to the glory of God.  It is beautiful because, in those ways that are as unique as the people and the couple, God reveals His redemption and desire for relationship with all of mankind.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5:25-33

And the Rain Came

It was a glorious, summer Saturday.  And nothing could calm the stirring in my spirit.

The sanctuary that is my Dodge Neon that I named "Hammie" (after the squirrel on Over the Hedge), roamed up and down the streets.  Prayers lifted to heaven, asking for outpouring and understanding.  Petitions for loved ones.  Aching for those, unknown, but trapped in all kinds of oppression.  Seeking for strength to keep walking in a path that seemed at a standstill.

The tires crept to a stop at a familiar green on campus.  I could see the storm front coming.

Driving up to the track that had become a place of redemption, cells of dark clouds moved overhead once again.  Broken up by scattered rays of sunlight, the stirring was nearly wrenching my heart into pieces.  More of Jesus was the only thing that could satisfy the questions and yearnings I had.

I started walking the oval.  From a distance I could see the torrent coming.

Both times God let it rain.

Both times I danced in the downpours.  Others could watch and think I was absolutely nuts, but I would have gone nuts, if I had stood still.  My whole being, had to to have Jesus, had to worship Him or I would have lost my mind.  The Holy Spirit met me and filled me with the love of God that words can only try to express.  

I needed the rain like a tree in a desert.  I needed the saturation of the Truth of Jesus.  I needed the sign that as I was in need...God responds to my heart cries.

And the rains came.