The Interim and The Story

Hey All!

I'm currently sitting in a coffeeshop. Not all that surprising, I know, but the location is different than my normal Brookings locale. I'm in Indianola, IA, staying with my parents until my paperwork for my teaching visa to South Korea comes through. I'm waiting for my visa number to come back from my employer in Korea so that I can go to Chicago to interview in person at the Korean Consulate to confirm the visa. Yes, this is a wonderful hoop-jumping process but I also realize that the process protects all parties involved.

I'm thankful for the interim to get some rest but I'm also kind of restless. The time has also allowed for some processing. I have had several people ask me in the last week how exactly I landed on teaching English for a year in South Korea. Its a interesting story as I think about it.

I think it started the summer of 2007 as I returned from the Philippines. Sitting in the airport in Incheon while changing planes, I remember saying to myself that I would like come to Korea sometime and see more than just the airport.

I can't remember when it was. Either that fall or the fall of 2008, I heard a message on God's heart for the nations. I had been to another nation in the Name of Jesus but starting that night God became moving my heart to go among the nation and began defeating my prideful ethnocentrism.

Fast forward to the summer of 2009. I was beginning to pray in earnest for God to point me in the direction He wanted me to go following graduation from grad school in May. Deep in my Spirit I could sense God leading overseas, but financially and logically it didn't make much sense to go. I should wait until I had worked a few years in the states first.

The nagging call kept pushing on my heart as I was working on my thesis. My research proved how important my passion for physical activity and wellness were but there was not peace in my heart about applying for physical education positions after graduation.

Then in October, during a campus-wide human trafficking awareness week, the Holy Spirit moved and revealed a plan to send me overseas, specifically to South Korea. Some of the most intense and heavy human trafficking takes place in Asia. As I was falling asleep Wednesday night, wrapped up in the covers, I could hear cries, and I knew God was opening my eyes to what victims of human trafficking fell asleep to: cold, no comfort, only tears.

I was devastated. I cried and I begged God to show me what He wanted me to do. How could I do nothing while I knew so many were enslaved? There had to be a next step to training in being a warrior for the Gospel and seeing people of the earth redeemed and set free. The next night He unveiled His plan.

I was explaining to a friend what I had been experiencing during the week. He looked me straight in the eyes and asked me, "So what are you going to do about it?" I paused and then the Spirit revealed to me as I spoke to my two friends there: I wanted to go to South Korea to teach english for a year. To be immersed in an Asian culture, as training for whatever God had for me after that. (South Korea came up for a couple reasons: It was a place where I had a friend already so I knew how the system kind of worked, and it was a place where I knew my experience would be sheltered by the Body of Christ as S. Korea has a great church presence and many with English speaking services and congregations.)

I was convinced this was the next step, yet in late December I began wondering as my physical health started a deep decline. While the muscular dystrophy that ran in my family, had weakened my muscles and left me sore and fatigued most days, what happened was beyond the realm of that disease. It started with swelling in my knees and ankles. I went to put on some dress boots for a friend's grandfather's funeral right after Christmas and it was almost impossible to get them zipped up. Then the pain came. First in one knee, then both knees, then both knees and an ankle then both knees and both ankles. Even a wrist and elbow began to have some pain. I couldn't fully bend or extend either leg. I could only wear flat shoes because of pain and balance. I was having to wake up 30 minutes early to try to ice my knees and ankles and because it was just taking me that much longer to move to ready myself in the morning. Some mornings I would try to stand getting out of bed only to fall back losing balance, and every morning facing sharp pain just standing.

I doubted that Korea was a good choice anymore. There was no way I could teach standing for hours a day in a high pressure culture, feeling like I did. I woke the morning that I was to complete my final draft of my thesis to sumbit to my committee. I could barely move. It was the worst day of pain yet. I was tired of the excessive amounts of ibprophen I was taking to try to soothe the pain, but I had to take more to get moving to finish the paper. I managed to get to Cottonwood and start in on edits. Karissa came in and noticed the strain on my face. We talked and she told me about Dr. Allard who practices alternative medicine. At that point I was willing to try anything that didn't involve prescription pain killers (I don't react well to them).

After a few days of contemplation, I called to make an appointment. Karissa came too and we drove down together. I'll admit it was a little strange but after two appointments, I was no longer taking any more than 2 ibprophen a day. I knew I had the green light to move forward with Korea even with some residual pain.

So God continued to prepare my heart as I began getting in contact with recruiting agencies and working on gathering all the necessasry paperwork. Into the summer, the one agency I worked with had plenty of jobs, but after applying for each one, I would hear nothing until I contacted them again to apply for a different job. So I contacted the man in the states that recruited teachers for the school that my had worked for. After an inital interview, he said he would like to work with me but he did not currently have any openings.

Doubt tried crushing me. I wondered how long I was supposed to keep pursuing Korea before moving on to finding a job in the US. At the beginning of July, David contacted me again saying a position had come open unexpectedly. I interviewed, was offered and accepted a job at the Yeong Kang Academy.

So this is where I am now. Waiting for visa paperwork to be processed. Even this step has been a longer waiting process than I anticipated but for what has transpired, I know and am convinced that His timing is perfect and I can trust Him for all things. I am preparing for a year of work but also a year of training. To God be the glory! May His kingdom reign in Me!

Breaking this down is hard. A revelation of the past has left me dumbfounded. I want to know who is to blame and how justice can be served.

And yet Jesus knows me too well. I cannot in my own mind, my own flesh reconcile every single piece of this devastating event of the past. Instead, He pulls me nearer and speaks to my heart:

"So My power may rest on you. You don't have to do anything to reconcile this but just ask. I made all atonement for your sin and I will carry out full justice on the unrepentant. No, what happened was not fair. Let Me stand in the gap and fight the battle that only I could win. And I did win. Walk in the victory and freedom of life that I have abundantly given you. Plus don't miss this: You will testify and be my messenger of grace. Be the vessel. Stand as Mine, Beloved."

Gut Level Compassion

I know what it is like to feel the kind of love and compassion that literally I can feel in my innards. Its not a sick to the stomach feeling but rather a kind of tension that makes me need to grunt in response. No lie.

I know it sounds weird but even in the Bible it talks about the guts being the seat of the emotions.

Picking up on some generational "curses" and sins at a recent family gathering, led to a very gut wrenching trip home. There are so many events and experinces that have shaped my family members that I don't know or understand. It leaves me broken for them. I long for them to be free of the chains that keep them in hiding. And I long for them to walk in the life offered by Jesus rather than the death of a self-sufficient, Godless life.

I pray and it only comes in groans. I have been wounded deeply by some of them, but my eyes now see the attacks of Satan and the defensiveness of ones also deeply wounded. How I pray for the cycles to stop! Lord, please, let it end with me!

A Letter to My SDSU Family...

I cannot tell you how God has blessed me through you all. I was given such loving and funny friends. I have laughed until I my stomach hurt with you. I have prayed in tears, fighting with and for you.

For those who are just finishing your junior year, you were an answer to an impossible prayer for me. God answered beyond imagination. I have had the opportunity to watch you all grow deep, up, and together with Jesus. My prayer for you: ask for a greater generation of spiritual multiplication to follow you. Leave with no regrets. You are an anointed group of ambassadors for the Father's kingdom. Stand in the power of His Spirit living in you as beloved children.

For the Nav's staff: Thank you for taking the risks. Thank you for following Christ into disciple making. Jeff, you have lived out dying as a seed so that God could produce fruit in and through you. I am so grateful for your example and leadership. Jo, you invest in so many lives, outside of Jesus, the way you live would not make sense. Thank you for speaking life! Sherry, I don't see you often but your faithfulness in raising your boys and supporting Jeff is something I admire. Keep writing! I love your honesty and it is a gift. EDGEr's, you rock! Besides the fact I would have felt like the old lady without you here, I loved witnessing God working in and through you.

For my Bible study women: I learned time in the word together is incomplete without dessert. I loved feasting on the Word with you. I pray God keeps revealing more of Himself to you and increases your hunger for His Word.

For anyone who may have rode with me on a trip: Sorry if I tried to kill you or got us lost. Big thanks to Sarah for doing her best to keep me awake for the last 2 hours back from the Laborer's conference even though the adrenaline from the snow was sufficient.

For all: Even if not mentioned by name here, you are written on my heart. I may have been in Brookings way longer than I intended but I God's amazing wisdom, He kept me here until His vision for disciple making was implanted in my heart and He made me ready to be sent out. I pray for Jesus to make you ready to follow His command where ever He leads you too. He is faithful. He will do it.

Hear His promise: "Call to ME and I will answer you; I will tell you of great and unsearchable things you do not know."

Melissa

God is Sufficient

The words in this email were hard to swallow then, and even reading it again now made me squirm alittle.

it's easy to miss the bigger lesson: that Jesus wants to be your all in all. I'm glad that to some degree God is meeting your needs through other relationships. Reality is, though, they will fail you as well, and while I'm tempted to say that's sad, really it's not.

My biggest idols are relationships. As God was tearing down one idol, I was getting ready to set up others. Even though the new relationships were far healthier than the old, I would put them in the place of God. And that was no better for my healing, wounded heart than to set myself up to be torn apart when those new idols would eventually crumble under the weight of my unrealistic expectations.

It is meant to keep God . . . God, and our idols of relationships in place. It's really a good thing when human systems let us down, even though it hurts. I know you know this, but we need to remind each other.

And I'm still guilty of putting people in the place of Jesus. Usually now though, I listen well enough to hear Him whisper to bring my heart back to Him before I really get into deep trouble.

Admittedly, my heart heart has betrayed me deeply in the last few days. I'm seeing relationships pop up that appear to be able to fill this deep ache that I have been feeling. It is taking about all I have to bring my heart back to God. To trust that He alone is sufficient to fill this heart. He is jealous for me and my deepest affections are to belong to Him.

And in God's amazing ways, when people are people, and not idols, God is the supplier of an outpouring of love for them. Even though they fail me, they are not what I am relying on to hold me up.

(This is a continuation of entries that are inspired by a series of emails)

I am standing by you, the real you, the redeemed you, the YOU that God wants to bring about, the YOU complete with your whole story but you're right, I won't cheer on the angry little girl except to say that her anger makes perfect sense to me, and I want to see her let go of it so she is no longer in prison. January 12, 2007

Forgiveness. Jesus tells us to forgive. But we've been wronged and we want justice. We want to know that what happened was real and we are justified in our anger.

But the anger we hold onto, holding the offense against our offender, without knowing when it happens, we end up with shackles on. By hanging on to our anger, we are actually enslaved to our anger.

Until, I realized that letting go would set me free, I felt like I was living life in a straight jacket. I forgave and the chains fell off. I was able to move on even though my offender has not repented. I thought in forgiving that he would get the upperhand on me, but instead in forgiving I got my life back. I could finally move forward.

The angry little girl walked out of that horrible, dispicable prision and began to breathe the fresh air of freedom, becoming the woman that God intended her to be.

Testify from the Beginning

Today, I went back through a series of emails dating back to December of 2006. I keep them not because of who sent them, but because they contain words of truth and now as sort back through them they read as the testimony of what God has done. So I will be sharing some from those emails.

The more freedom you taste, the less appealing being a victim will seem...ask Him to show you how He was there, and wait quietly. Then ask Him what He would have said, and wait quietly. Be prepared to weep; He may break your heart with kindness...Your (may I say it? pitiful) efforts at punishing yourself are nowhere near the judgement God will pass on sin; all the while redeeming sinners. I don't understand it; I just know we think we do sometimes so we do our little thing but He wants to do His Big thing -- just in His time, so cast yourself on His fairness, OK? December 2006

I had come to the end of my rope. I was angry, bitter, and broken from my own sin and sin committed against me. I dove headfirst into destructive behavior, but knowing I hated it more than anything. A dear friend offered their home as a retreat to pour my heart out and sort out what steps I needed to take for healing.

I left a note sharing what Jesus spoke to me that day. I was trying to bear the burden of sin committed against me. I believed the lie that I had to because they were not repentent.

I can say now that Jesus has spoken even more into this since. I have come to know in the deepest parts, that what Jesus did on the cross was enough. He will not punish me nor continue to let me punish myself because in His kindness I know that He has defeated sin. So I am a victor not a victim.

And yes, walking back through every hurt and sin often left me weeping, but I will never forget as I prayed seeing a vision of Jesus right next to me, weeping too.