A Letter to My SDSU Family...

I cannot tell you how God has blessed me through you all. I was given such loving and funny friends. I have laughed until I my stomach hurt with you. I have prayed in tears, fighting with and for you.

For those who are just finishing your junior year, you were an answer to an impossible prayer for me. God answered beyond imagination. I have had the opportunity to watch you all grow deep, up, and together with Jesus. My prayer for you: ask for a greater generation of spiritual multiplication to follow you. Leave with no regrets. You are an anointed group of ambassadors for the Father's kingdom. Stand in the power of His Spirit living in you as beloved children.

For the Nav's staff: Thank you for taking the risks. Thank you for following Christ into disciple making. Jeff, you have lived out dying as a seed so that God could produce fruit in and through you. I am so grateful for your example and leadership. Jo, you invest in so many lives, outside of Jesus, the way you live would not make sense. Thank you for speaking life! Sherry, I don't see you often but your faithfulness in raising your boys and supporting Jeff is something I admire. Keep writing! I love your honesty and it is a gift. EDGEr's, you rock! Besides the fact I would have felt like the old lady without you here, I loved witnessing God working in and through you.

For my Bible study women: I learned time in the word together is incomplete without dessert. I loved feasting on the Word with you. I pray God keeps revealing more of Himself to you and increases your hunger for His Word.

For anyone who may have rode with me on a trip: Sorry if I tried to kill you or got us lost. Big thanks to Sarah for doing her best to keep me awake for the last 2 hours back from the Laborer's conference even though the adrenaline from the snow was sufficient.

For all: Even if not mentioned by name here, you are written on my heart. I may have been in Brookings way longer than I intended but I God's amazing wisdom, He kept me here until His vision for disciple making was implanted in my heart and He made me ready to be sent out. I pray for Jesus to make you ready to follow His command where ever He leads you too. He is faithful. He will do it.

Hear His promise: "Call to ME and I will answer you; I will tell you of great and unsearchable things you do not know."

Melissa

God is Sufficient

The words in this email were hard to swallow then, and even reading it again now made me squirm alittle.

it's easy to miss the bigger lesson: that Jesus wants to be your all in all. I'm glad that to some degree God is meeting your needs through other relationships. Reality is, though, they will fail you as well, and while I'm tempted to say that's sad, really it's not.

My biggest idols are relationships. As God was tearing down one idol, I was getting ready to set up others. Even though the new relationships were far healthier than the old, I would put them in the place of God. And that was no better for my healing, wounded heart than to set myself up to be torn apart when those new idols would eventually crumble under the weight of my unrealistic expectations.

It is meant to keep God . . . God, and our idols of relationships in place. It's really a good thing when human systems let us down, even though it hurts. I know you know this, but we need to remind each other.

And I'm still guilty of putting people in the place of Jesus. Usually now though, I listen well enough to hear Him whisper to bring my heart back to Him before I really get into deep trouble.

Admittedly, my heart heart has betrayed me deeply in the last few days. I'm seeing relationships pop up that appear to be able to fill this deep ache that I have been feeling. It is taking about all I have to bring my heart back to God. To trust that He alone is sufficient to fill this heart. He is jealous for me and my deepest affections are to belong to Him.

And in God's amazing ways, when people are people, and not idols, God is the supplier of an outpouring of love for them. Even though they fail me, they are not what I am relying on to hold me up.

(This is a continuation of entries that are inspired by a series of emails)

I am standing by you, the real you, the redeemed you, the YOU that God wants to bring about, the YOU complete with your whole story but you're right, I won't cheer on the angry little girl except to say that her anger makes perfect sense to me, and I want to see her let go of it so she is no longer in prison. January 12, 2007

Forgiveness. Jesus tells us to forgive. But we've been wronged and we want justice. We want to know that what happened was real and we are justified in our anger.

But the anger we hold onto, holding the offense against our offender, without knowing when it happens, we end up with shackles on. By hanging on to our anger, we are actually enslaved to our anger.

Until, I realized that letting go would set me free, I felt like I was living life in a straight jacket. I forgave and the chains fell off. I was able to move on even though my offender has not repented. I thought in forgiving that he would get the upperhand on me, but instead in forgiving I got my life back. I could finally move forward.

The angry little girl walked out of that horrible, dispicable prision and began to breathe the fresh air of freedom, becoming the woman that God intended her to be.

Testify from the Beginning

Today, I went back through a series of emails dating back to December of 2006. I keep them not because of who sent them, but because they contain words of truth and now as sort back through them they read as the testimony of what God has done. So I will be sharing some from those emails.

The more freedom you taste, the less appealing being a victim will seem...ask Him to show you how He was there, and wait quietly. Then ask Him what He would have said, and wait quietly. Be prepared to weep; He may break your heart with kindness...Your (may I say it? pitiful) efforts at punishing yourself are nowhere near the judgement God will pass on sin; all the while redeeming sinners. I don't understand it; I just know we think we do sometimes so we do our little thing but He wants to do His Big thing -- just in His time, so cast yourself on His fairness, OK? December 2006

I had come to the end of my rope. I was angry, bitter, and broken from my own sin and sin committed against me. I dove headfirst into destructive behavior, but knowing I hated it more than anything. A dear friend offered their home as a retreat to pour my heart out and sort out what steps I needed to take for healing.

I left a note sharing what Jesus spoke to me that day. I was trying to bear the burden of sin committed against me. I believed the lie that I had to because they were not repentent.

I can say now that Jesus has spoken even more into this since. I have come to know in the deepest parts, that what Jesus did on the cross was enough. He will not punish me nor continue to let me punish myself because in His kindness I know that He has defeated sin. So I am a victor not a victim.

And yes, walking back through every hurt and sin often left me weeping, but I will never forget as I prayed seeing a vision of Jesus right next to me, weeping too.

(im)POSSIBLE

Last fall at a conference I was at, we were all challenged to create our own Impossible list. A list of the prayers that we knew to be impossible except for the intervention of Jesus. The speaker urged us to find and claim the promises of God. To see in the promises who God is as the Promiser. To pray, in faith, that God would do what He had promised. To pray over that list for 6 months and see what God would do

I prayed my list most of last fall, but as I transitioned out of the journal that my list was in, I lost sight of that list. And being honest, I saw no changes in the things I was praying for. It was just so hard to put those things that are closest and dearest to my heart out there, and then have it seem like nothing was happening. I put my heart out there only to get stomped on.

Earlier this week, one of my closest friends reminded me of those Impossible lists. She told me that there were 40 days left in the 6 months of challenge. I had to admit that my list buried under a stack of other notebooks and binders. She challenged me to go find it and to keep praying. To keep claiming those promises. To live as God's promises are true. To trust Him.

I found that list. I reread it. I wept.

I haven't been trusting You, Jesus

And something broke free in me. I saw that list with hope again. I saw the Truth in And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

With the strength He renewed in me,I will pray daily over that list and see what He will make POSSIBLE.

Health and Hiatus

I'm not taking a hiatus; I am coming back from one.

Life gets busy and I cling to the 30-45 minutes I have in the morning to spend with Jesus and journal but I don't seem to get through the surface level thoughts when my days are so hectic.

So what have I been up to?

Well... master's oral exam, planning 24/7 week of prayer on campus, spring break in Chicago serving at Cornerstone Community Outreach,day-long Dr appointment, teaching, grading, homework, more planning, speaking at kick-off event for 24/7 week of prayer, paperwork, looking for a job (sort of), praying, Bible study.

For the record, I love where I am at. I love what God is doing in my life. Its just that in busy seasons as this, I really miss the time I get to spend resting with Jesus, praying, journaling, processing. Not that I can always retreat from life, but things are a little out of balance at the moment.

I also run into my limited physical capacity. I can't keep up with most people or even the pace that I set for my own life. I struggle with the lack of control over my legs. This whole experience with alternative medicine has been very positive. My doc is a real comedian but with a real determination to help people. What he's doing is working, it is taking time and resources. I fear saying this but I am praying for provision so I can go back. At this point, I can't go back, even though where treatment stopped, has me even more unsteady on my feet.

I think the next post for me will be about the relationship between suffering and God's compassion and power to heal. See, that is going to take one of those really good sessions with Jesus first.

Finish Well

I remember when I used to run cross-country in high school. Yes, its only been seven years but it seems like forever ago, and I haven't really run since. My coach had many philosophies and one I will always remember is, Run through the line!

Some racers would let up and start coasting 10-15 yards before the finish line. That was one thing my coach hated. Anytime we did track workouts she was always yelling as us to not pull up before the finish line. But see, it paid off for almost all of us at some time. We would catch people or prevent ourselves from being passed, simply because that last 50-100 yards was all out and we wouldn't let up until we had crossed the line (This did cause some problems as we did run into people who had stopped past the line.)

I'm racing towards a finish line in life right now. Eight weeks separate me from an official end of grad school. Its hard to believe that I am in the homestretch.

I want to enjoy everything. I want to savor the moments that I have left with a group of people who for the love of Jesus have radically altered my life.

There is a temptation to coast, to pull out of certain responsibilties. And while I know the necessity of dicipling and passing on responsiblities to those who will continue here, the greatest influence I can have is by finishing well.

And the things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable men who will also be qualified to teach others.

Besides, I have another finish line to strive for.

However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.