I just wanna play!

I was sitting here just now thinking that something just didn't seem right. There was a meloncholy feeling about me and I could not for the life of me why? So I asked Jesus.

About ten minutes later, the revelation came pouring out on me.

I really just want to play.

In that instant, tears came streaming out of my eyes. I could not hold them back.

I want to play and have the joy of a child. With the upcoming transition of finishing grad school and moving into the workforce, the last thing I feel like I have permission to do is play. And I know that in the moment God revealed this desire, He spoke that I could and needed to seek out play.

So, as my dear friend says, "Right now, I just wanna be 5! And I am gonna be 5!"

Loving God Makes Me Courageous

I was at a conference and the first session addressed The heart of a laborer.

A laborer is defined as a worker for the kingdom of God. And God raises up laborers by loving people. And as they know Him more, know His love more and learn to love Him more; it brings them out into the harvest field.

If you love Me, you will obey My commandments

I myself had read this before and thought that I must not love God. I was always disobeying. What I didn't know before is that this statement is an invitation. Its Jesus saying:

"You love Me, because I loved you first. Come let Me love you, so you will love Me. My love will do the transformation from the inside out. I'll clean the inside of the cup first, then the outside, your actions will also be transformed because your heart will be transformed."

As I know His heart for me, more and more, the more I want to go to others with His love. That still takes risks, because He asks and is asking that I go out to places in His harvest field that I've never been before or to places with very rocky soil. To international students, to my family, to the other side of the planet.

But loving God makes me courageous, because I know Him and His heart, and because I know, I trust Him for the steps He asks me to take.

Of course, I still chicken out sometimes. Thank God that so did people like Peter, Moses, and Jonah. But nore than that I want to rest on this:

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go

To Stand without Shame

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.
Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden. But the LORD God called to the man, "Where are you?" He answered, "I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid." And he said, "Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?" The man said, "The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it." Then the LORD God said to the woman, "What is this you have done?" The woman said, "The serpent deceived me, and I ate."

Man and woman fell in sin and they felt shame. They were wrong. They disobeyed and they hid.

We're still hiding today.

But God doesn't let us remain in hiding. He calls us forth to stand before Him. Completely bare.

But the thing that God is revealing is that He covers me with His righteousness. I can stand in all that I am. Every sin and every failure and every brokeness, and He sees Jesus. He says, "I forgive you. I make all things new. No more shame."

Of all the tactics that Satan loves to use on me, he really likes shame. It paralyzes me. Makes me rethink everything I do, even when it is an expression of love, I question my motives.

Its more than just knowing I don't have to hide. Its living as a child of the king. Not afraid to be me. To speak confidently, to love out of the love poured out on me. To live as an heir.

Sight

I woke up Sunday morning and my eye was red. I thought it was probably just from a lack of sleep and went about my day. By the time, Tuesday rolled around, my eye was bright red, the pupil was tightly constricted and I had a painful sensitivity to light.

A trip to the clinic, followed by a referral to an opthamologist revealed a condition I had never heard of before: Iritis (inflammation of the eye).

I've been frustrated as this has meant putting prescription eye drops in every three hours and has forced me to forsake my contacts for glasses. Its inconvienient, annoying and down right constricting to my normal way of life.

BUT...its for the sake of my sight. Untreated, the inflammation can cause any number of complications including permanent damage to the eye.

God has changed up my daily routines this week and put me in situations I am far from comfortable with. He has asked me to review some of my beliefs about certain things He says in His Word.

He has asked that I think less about what will be quick and less messy in ministry in my last semester and instead invest in places I have not before and be vulnerable and willing to His leading. To walk away from a group of dear friends (on good terms) to spend time with international students.

God has given me His heart for the nations, something that was borne when I was in the Phillipines (picture above). As that continues to grow, God is stretching me out of my introverted, self-focused, comfortable self (I've used introversion as an excuse when the latter two were more the issue).

Just as obeying doctor's is essential to preserving my physical vision, listening to and following Jesus' voice is essential to preserving my spiritual vision for His kingdom.

The Sound of His Heartbeat

dumdum dat dum dumdum dat dum

The rhythm bounces in my mind and my body moves with it. The sound of the drums echo through the room. The tips of the fingers on my left hand are now essentially numb and my right arm aching from playing guitar for two hours.

But there was no where else I would have rather been on a Friday night. Gathered in a small room of a church were around 20 people, and answer to prayer.

I can guess what things sparked this spontaneous prayer session. But as the drums played, I could sense the Spirit saying, "Listen to My heartbeat,
for this campus,
this community,
this nation,
for all nations,
for each person here,
for you."

I want nothing more than to continue to live so close to Him that I can always hear His heartbeat. At the moment it beats, "Prepare yourself, prepare yourself."

What is His heartbeat saying for you?

When Words Give Life.

Writing has become more than just theraputic to me. In writing, I have grown closer to Jesus. As I journal, putting thoughts and prayers to paper, He speaks to my heart.

From gentle rebukes, to the kind words of a Father, to cutting but not condemning convictions, to tender whispers of healing, to powerful affirmations of His glory, to clear reminders of the Truth of His written Word.

In writting I have learned Jesus' voice better, and even more transformational is that I have learned His heart better.

His words are life-giving and I through out my journals, I see Him. Drawing, inviting, healing, transforming. On days I go back to re-read them, I am awed by Him and His faithful pursuit of my heart. I am encouraged forward. Persevering in the face of life doesn't leave me defeated, when compared with knowing Him

My journals are the cheapest spiral notebooks I can find. They get beat-up as I tote them around with me, many lose their covers by the time they are filled, but they are immeasureably valuable.

Courage.

2010 is upon me. It is the year that I will turn a quarter-century old. I will graduate with a master's degree and it will be a great year of transistion. And the truth is;

I am afraid. I'm feeling overwhelmed at another step in growing up.

Yet, I can't wait. To see God's plan unfold and to enjoy the journey as I go.

So my word for 2010 is courage. I pray for courage to walk well, to not give into fear, and to obey the One Voice that beckens me.

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living! Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD! ~ Psalm 27:13-14